It’s nice to imagine a relationship where everything can be out in the open, transparent, and conflict-free. And yet, here we are in 2023, where marriages, if they are even happening, are falling apart like flies.
The big three (money, sex, kids) still rule, and spouses never tire of fighting over these issues and more.
I shared the above sentiment on Twitter today. While I received some positive feedback, what interested me was all the negative feedback. It’s probably because all those who follow my account on building great marriages must already know how. Here are some typical replies:
“You’re dumb.”
“This is the worst advice you’ve ever given.”
“Seriously f*ed up.”
“Just trust each other.”
“I’d never lie to my husband.”
And while all of these could be true (especially the dumb one!), I still think I’m right. Because wives having their own money, outside the scrutiny of hubby’s gaze, is very important.
In our younger years, my wife and I would fight over funds, especially when we were struggling. I set the accurate tone that money was tight, and we only could spend on necessities. Although I was being practical, logical, and realistic, it took me a while to realize that this wasn’t kind, fair, or reasonable.
Eventually, though, I started to make more, and we had more income to spend. Yet old patterns remained, and whether it was me gently cringing when the credit card bill came or my wife just not feeling comfortable spending, she still didn’t have the emotional freedom to be a woman and go shopping the way she wanted. And it’s so sad because she deserved it. A lot of it. As a SAHM of six children, she deserved the world, tbh.
Finally, I came upon a great idea. Set up a separate account just for her, where I (we) would deposit a chunk of cash each month. Just for her, away from our joint account and my concerned-for-the-family’s-and-her-financial-future-eyes. Eventually, she started treating herself in ways I always wanted for her. She started shopping guilt-free — clothes, fun stuff, gardening tools and flowers (tons!), and furniture she always wanted.
Soon, she opened up her own private credit cards, crypto accounts, and savings vehicles. And as the kids left home and my wife opened her own coaching practice, all her revenue went into her account, again, to be spent how she deemed fit.
Don’t get me wrong — she’s an angel who contributes to our family finances as best she can when she can. She loves easing my burden and pitching in to make life special. For example, she pitches in for vacations, special nights out, presents for the grandchildren, and weddings for our kids. But she does so as a gift to us, not as a responsibility.
For me, I love that she runs her own mini-economy within our home. Of course, I have access to her accounts in case of an emergency. And while I strongly believe that all marriage money belongs to all who are married, your wife having her own private money, her own hush money, is a wonderful way of eliminating at least one of the three main causes of divorce.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: freestocks on Unsplash
