The Backstory
I recently sat in the waiting area of an automobile servicing center. As I patiently waited for my truck to be repaired, a father also entered the customer waiting area with his little daughter.
It seemed as though the beautiful little girl was about four years old. In my professional and personal opinion, her behavior appeared to have been typical for her approximate age. The cute little child was sweetly playful and she was precocious. She talked to her father lovingly and asked him many questions that reflected her curiosity. And she did not sit in her seat for an extended amount of time. The high-spirited happy little girl danced, sang, hopped around, and remained in close proximity to her father while also using her tablet.
At no time did the little girl ignore what her father said. In fact, she was a polite good listener. The child sweetly responded to him with words like,
“…yes daddy…time is ticking daddy…you got that daddy?…okay daddy…I’m tired daddy”.
As a mother and educator, I believe that the youngster was well-behaved. She was not running around in an uncontrollable manner. Nor was her little voice loud or escalated. To me, her behavior was typical for her development.
But sadly, the father’s constant reaction to his daughter’s normal child-like activity in a public and confined space for an hour or so was extremely derogative. The man constantly responded to her as if she were an out-of-control crude older child. Simply stated, he was mean.
His cutting tone of voice remained loud and harsh. Demeaning best described him. The father reprimanded his little girl as she engaged in routine activities that any child her age would do while they remained in the waiting area. Unfortunately, his disposition was gruff and unkind. The father was so unbelievably negative and crude as he continuously scolded her as he interacted with his child that I began using my cell phone to document what he said to his youngster.
The words that this parent spoke to his child were heartbreaking.
This Is What The Father Said
These words were constantly spoken and repeated to the little girl the entire time they were in the waiting area. And they were spoken and shouted to the sweet and innocent little child in an angry, sarcastic, uncaring, and disrespectful manner. He said:
Get up!
No!
Shut your mouth!
Be quiet!
Stop!
Come back here!
Go back here!
Get up here!
You’re making a big deal out of nothing!
Big mouth!
…your big mouth!
Shut up big mouth!
Stop saying that you don’t know what you want to do!
Don’t go to sleep on me! (as the little girl tried to sit on her father’s lap to take a nap)
Put your big head back!
Don’t be talking loud!
Shut up!
Leave me alone…I’m going to sleep! (as the father tried to take a nap)
Stop making that noise!
You better stop touching my phone!
Get your butt back over here!
You’re not supposed to act up!
Despite the father’s sternly abrupt disposition, she remained happy-go-lucky. But, as a troubled observer, I recognized how harmful the father’s interaction with his child was. It was because there were special things that his little girl desperately wanted and needed from him.
These Things Were Missing
What the little girl wanted from her father as they waited to get the vehicle serviced was simple and it was pure. It was and is what youngsters everywhere want from their parents. The small girl wanted her father to spend quality time engaging with her. She wanted him to talk to her and respond to her questions. The child wanted her father to help her as she used her electronic device. This included reading to her as she participated in fun learning activities and sang cute short verses. She wanted him to play with her as she twirled about in their shared space. Fun was all the little girl wanted. She just wanted to have the simplest and most pure fun with her father while they were together.
And what the child needed from her father during that time was consistent with what every youngster everywhere needs from their parent. The young girl needed her father to respect her. She also needed him to model respect; she needed to experience what it was like for her father to have a high regard for her. The little girl needed unconditional loving affirmation from her father which manifested in all of his verbal and nonverbal communication with his child. What she ultimately needed was a daddy.
Sadly, the little girl’s wants and needs failed to be met by her father as they waited for their car to be repaired. Their time together was wasted and damaging at the same time.
Nine Sad Outcomes on the Horizon for This Little Girl and Other Unfortunate Children Like Her
What I witnessed was verbal abuse. And a sobering reality exists. If the father that I carefully observed was very comfortable continuously berating his little girl and speaking to her harshly in a public setting, the assumption is that he does the same thing in the privacy of his home.
If this little one or any other child is subjected to a parent who always responds to them angrily, sarcastically communicates to them with mean insensitivity, and is demeaning, they become innocent victims. These precious babies and youngsters remain powerless as their verbally abusive mothers, fathers, or others within the household exercise their cruelty over them with disrespectful, humiliating, and subversive words.
My training in education, family relations, parenting, human development, and early childhood enables me to describe what may be on the horizon for very young children who are subjected to verbal abuse. These nine outcomes are summarized below.
- Verbally abused young children may become socially withdrawn because of the emotional wounds they carry in their hearts because of evil words spoken to them by their mother or father.
- Such children may become hypersensitive. As a result, they may have struggles adjusting to a broad range of age-appropriate expectations in their life.
- Also related to hypersensitivity, the verbally abused young child may believe and internalize the harsh, mean, and derogatory words screamed at them. As a result, these victims are likely to suffer from a significantly lowered self-image and self-esteem. Overall feelings of worthlessness will then ensue.
- The spirit of innocence and happiness that typically resides within the heart of young children is likely to become broken. The harsh and mean words parents habitually speak to and over their young children will probably extinguish the light that used to reside in their souls. The youthful precocious enthusiasm that once happily filled these children is apt to die.
- Verbally abused youngsters are likely to become angry individuals. If appropriate behavior or mental interventions are not made through anger management, counseling, or therapy protocols, the anger can intensify.
- Rage may build inside of the young children who have been overcome by anger. As these youngsters mature, they may be overtaken by anger that manifests in some of these likely and troubling ways. They may have poor peer relations within the community and school. These children are likely to create chronic, dangerous, and explosive behavioral disruptions at school. At home, they will probably maintain an unspeakable level of disrespect for their parents, siblings, and home rules.
- If uncontrolled rage develops as the child develops, it is probable that socially deviant behaviors will also develop. There is an increased likelihood of getting in trouble with the law and becoming involved in the judicial system. The end result could lead to becoming a societal threat.
- Parents are their child’s first teacher. Verbally abused young children will be taught horrible interpersonal communication skills that will be imitated. These children will probably demonstrate derogatory verbal interactions with peers as well as authority figures because that is what they learned in the home. Problems like the uncontrollable use of profanity, yelling, and hurling insults at others along with verbal bullying are likely to become pervasive among youth who have been verbally abused.
- The chances of the verbally abused child also becoming a verbally abusive mother or father remain high. Unless sustained interventions are made within the family, child abuse tends to be a repetitive generational cycle.
Steps to Prevent Verbal Abuse
Since the incident that I described took place, I often think about the time I spent isolated and alone in the waiting area with the abusive father and his beautiful child. Other than exchanging sweet glances with the little girl to reassure her that kindness exists in the world, I felt powerless to help her. Because of the unpredictable, unstable, and often explosive nature of humanity today, it would have been unwise for me to intervene within that secluded yet public environment. Confronting the father about his verbal treatment of his child could have become dangerous for me. Simply stated, fear drove me to remain silent as it occurred.
However, sharing this story on a broad platform has become my way of speaking out against verbal abuse while educating others at the same time. To me, this offers a little redemption for remaining idle as it happened. And so do the preventive measures that I also offer below.
Despite the regretful impact that verbal abuse has on children of all ages, sustainable steps can be taken to prevent it.
Step #1: Individuals within our society who are classified as mandated reporters are responsible for reporting incidents of child abuse, neglect, and maltreatment to child protection agencies. These individuals include but are not limited to teachers as well as employees in the education sector, health care, social services, and faith-based communities. There is also the expectation for the citizenry at large to report known and suspected incidents of child abuse.
Step #2: Once reporting entities receive reports of child abuse, they are required to respond. While the response becomes dependent on the outcome of their investigation, the overall safety and well-being of the child involved must be ensured.
Step #3: Justice for victimized children must prevail. Whether they are removed from the home or whether the abusive parent receives judicial consequences, appropriate legal responses must result.
Step #4: As a family engagement influencer, I continue to work to advocate for rigid parent training programs for at-risk parent populations. I believe public policies must be revised to mandate parent training among mothers and fathers who are recipients of social service funding. Furthermore, I believe that mandated parent training policies must be established in schools and provided in community social service organizations.
Pause to Reflect: The Conclusion
The following poem called “Children Learn What They Live” by Dorothy Lew Nolte enables readers to put the context of this story into a realistic perspective.
If a child lives with criticism, he learns to condemn.
If a child lives with hostility, he learns to fight.
If a child lives with ridicule, he learns to be shy.
If a child lives with shame, he learns to feel guilty.
If a child lives with tolerance, he learns to be patient.
If a child lives with encouragement, he learns confidence.
If a child lives with praise, he learns to appreciate.
If a child lives with fairness, he learns justice.
If a child lives with security, he learns to have faith.
If a child lives with approval, he learns to like himself.
If a child lives with acceptance and friendship, he learns to find love in the world.
In summary, negative and cruel words can destroy a child. Rigorous efforts must be taken throughout our society to protect children and youth from the devastating impact of verbal abuse.
Prevention is the key.
Various forms of help are available for mothers and fathers. For example, resources, such as those that are shown below, are available to help parents who are susceptible to verbally abusing their children.
- UNICEF (the United Nations International Children’s Emergency Fund): “How to Communicate Effectively With Your Young Child”.
- CDC (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention): “Essentials for Parenting Toddlers and Preschoolers: Communicating With Your Child”
- Psychology Today: “Tips for Healthy Parent-Child Communication”
- Child Development Institute: “Guidelines for Parent-Child Communication”
- The Center for Parenting Education: “Library of Parenting Articles: Healthy Communication”
- Smarter Parenting: “Communicating with Children” (Podcast and Resource Materials)
Thank you for reading this important article.
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Dr. Deborah M. Vereen is a retired Teacher and School Administrator. Her website is www.Drdeborahmvereen.com and her YouTube Channel is
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Copyright © 2024 Dr. Deborah M. Vereen. All rights reserved.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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