Essential 3-Step Dating Guide for Empaths After Narc Abuse

Enduring and surviving narc abuse, detoxing from old relationships, and rebuilding your life takes guts, perseverance, and tenacity. In the face of such adversity, empaths can be soft but fierce, strong but silent, reticent but resilient. Moreover, they can be powerful manifestors, and with dedicated thought and intention, will organically shift from survivor to thriver, in order to find the partner they deserve.

If you’re an empath who’s recently had your wings clipped by a narc and wants to find the love you truly deserve, the 3 steps below explicitly outline how to do so; simply, safely, and self-assuredly.

Step 1: Burn the old script

1. Write down all pre-existing core beliefs about love and relationships; identifying the key tenets that set you off course, e.g romantic ideation (aka rose-tinted glasses), obsession, lust, delusion, blind optimism, an underlying need to be rescued etc. Be very honest and clear about what/ who you were seeking.
   Take inventory: highlight trauma bonds, toxic patterns and behaviours. Identify how you used to show up in relationships and how you were treated. There’s no need to take inventory of all your toxic exes; flashbacks will emerge as you write out the old script, and you will clearly see who you went wrong with, and also how your inner narrative perpetuated the attraction to the wrong kind, i.e. men/women just use me for sex; I always get ripped off; I’m not enough; I’m too much etc.
2. Burn the old script, then say or write the following affirmation:
   I willing release all my pre-existing beliefs around love and relationships, and any self-sabotaging inherited patterns I may have adopted as my own. I now willingly let go of all my ex-partners, commitments, bonds and attachments, and allow myself, and them, to be free.
3. Write down any existing concerns you have around dating again, e.g:
   Fear of rejection/ being ghosted/ being objectified
   Fear of losing yourself in a new relationship
   Fear of settling for second best due to feeling unworthy of new love
   Fear of choosing the wrong person
   Fear of being duped by a narc again
   Fear of going back to your ex
   Burn this list.

Step 2 : Lay a new foundation

Once you have freed yourself from the shackles of the past, focus your attention on the present, it’s time to write a new love script based on who you are now.
1. Write a list of the core values that are most important to you and your life, e.g:
Kindness
Honesty
Clear communication
Trust
Mutual respect/ support
Integrity/ authenticity
Family oriented
Cares about humanity/ the planet
*These will form the bedrock of your love foundation; they are the non-negotiable shared values that your new partner must have.
2. Write a list of essential characteristics you seek in a new partner, e.g:
Self-awareness
Leads a healthy lifestyle/ is not a drug addict or alcoholic
Good cook
Tall with broad shoulders
Nice hair
Funny
*Decide which of these characteristics are non-negotiable, and which can be flexible, i.e. if he’s a good egg, is ‘nice hair’ really so important?
3. Write a list of preferred shared interests, e.g:
Music/gigs
Dogs
Netflix
Marmite on toast
4. Burn that list: a secure relationship is built on shared values, not shared interests: a narc can easily feign the same interests to reel you in. Who cares if the new love of your life likes classic cars? Let him be; do your own thing.
5. Do a ‘Jung typology test’ to check your personality type; this will provide you with useful info for your dating profile, e.g. ‘I’m an INFP’, and also help you ascertain who you are most compatible with: https://www.humanmetrics.com/personality

Step 3: Begin the dating process

Believe it or not, it’s actually safer and more empowering for an empath to use a dating app (provided they choose the right app and follow safe dating protocols)than it is to live on a wing and a prayer, waiting for a ‘walk-in’ to sweep them off their feet. Apps make it easy to mute/block/delete undesirables, and you can safely message back and forth without exchanging numbers to help you get a sense of the new person before meeting.

The Do’s and Don’t of Dating Apps:

1. Write your profile, indicating core values and interests, a brief bio, and a simple line about who/what you’re looking for. Always indicate that you’re seeking a ‘relationship’, as this will instantly separate the serious candidates from the hook-up artists. Showcase yourself with a variety of recent pictures, ranging from glammed up to outdoorsy, and try to include your interests in the photos, e.g. a beach, your bicycle, a plate of delicious food, your dog, your favourite travel spot.
2. Refamiliarise yourself with your list of the non-negotiables you seek in a new partner before you start swiping, and be sure to stick to it!
3. When swiping and messaging, heed obvious red flags such as profiles with fake sounding names, ones which select ‘something casual’ or ‘don’t know yet’, and ones which aren’t transparent about their availability. Ignore any new messages that sign off with a kiss (you don’t know this person yet!), are overly familiar, or are blatantly sexual, such as: ‘you’re hot’, followed by a wink emoji.
4. When you find someone you like, exchange a couple of messages, then offer your number and suggest a phone call. Trust your gut, and if the call goes well, arrange a simple daytime date, such as a coffee/chat/stroll.
5. For the first few dates, stick to public places; don’t invite your date to your home, and stick to your boundaries, e.g. 1 or 2 drinks. Always show up as yourself, be honest and clear and if the person’s not for you, offer a polite ‘thanks but no thanks’ and move on.
6. If you’ve had 2 or 3 dates, and think it’s worth pursuing more, take it slow; maybe suggest friendship first, which will give you a chance to really get to know each other and explore shared values etc. A decent person will be patient and hang around; a narc who’s sole interest is self-gratification will run for the hills.
7. Don’t get physical until you’re sure; maybe wait until an exclusivity commitment is in place before you dive in. Again, the right person won’t rush you; they will stick around.

The takeaway

Dating after narc abuse doesn’t need to be scary, complicated or overwhelming, providing you’ve done your homework and follow the guidelines above. The more prepared you are, the more chance you’ll have of finding The One. And this time it will be The Right One. Keeping your wits about you, being authentic, and taking things slow should be enough to flush out any narcs. Narcs are only looking to upgrade themselves; they exclusively seek sex/money/status/power, and will have no truck with the healthy, boundaried, grown-up version of you.

Remember this: narc abuse is not who you are; it’s what happened to you. You know why it happened and now you’re armed with a new script, written by you, for you, with valuable information about who you want to be with, and what your non-negotiable standards are.

For best results, explore your new dating life in a mindful, measured way; prioritise value over outcome, and always follow safe dating protocols to protect yourself. Don’t settle for second best. Be prepared to say No (often if necessary) and to ‘lose it all to gain it all’ — i.e. don’t be afraid to turn down the too good to be true man/woman if it doesn’t feel right. This will save you a lot of heartache further down the line.

When it comes to dating, when all is said and done, if more is said than done it’s probably not going anywhere. Actions speak louder than words, no exceptions!

Expect only the very best, and expect every need to be be met (…) never feel that you should not expect too much. See your needs very clearly, voice them, and have complete faith and confidence they will be met.
~ Eileen Caddy

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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.

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