It’s not true that marriage is the place where sex goes to die. At least that’s true for many couples. That doesn’t mean that married sex is all it could be. Yes, being with the same person over time can make sex more comfortable. But familiarity can breed complacency, especially in the bedroom. This can lead to attempts to spice things up which may create some challenges of its own.
Think about every love scene you’ve ever seen on film or read about in a story. The couples are almost always beautiful and seem to be perfectly matched sexually. They automatically know how to send the other into such physical ecstasy that comparisons to fireworks seem tame. Everything just seems to fit naturally and stay that way no matter how energetic the endeavor. There is never a hair out of place, no smudged makeup, and, unless it is a comedy, no bad smells.
If you actually have ever had a sexual encounter, you might think something is truly wrong with you if you compare your reality to these fantasy moments. My bed isn’t big enough to roll around in like some of these couples without someone falling off. I also question where all the arms and legs go if you are really “coupled” while rolling without someone getting seriously hurt.
Let’s face it, sex can be messy. All kinds of awkward things can happen when you both are getting hot and bothered. Farting and other bodily noises resulting from vigorous activity where air is being compressed in fun and unusual ways can happen at the height of passion. Bad breath, excess sweating, stray bits of toilet paper, an errant hair, or leakage of bodily fluids all can produce unexpected interruptions and minor embarrassment.
Sex can also create more concerning situations for one or both of you: a painful position, one of your body parts cramps, someone’s hair is pulled, or, the ultimate disaster, one of you is unable to perform in the expected and desired way.
No matter the level of awkwardness or disappointment, how both of you respond says a lot about your relationship, both present and in the future. For the lesser interruptions, the ability to laugh and say “excuse me” will allow you both to acknowledge what just happened but then move back to the intimate moment at hand. For anything more serious, you will want to address the events in a safe and caring way, preferably at a time when you both aren’t so vulnerable.
One of the worst things to do when faced with performance problems is over-analyzing it. It’s also important not to ignore the fact that it happened. Things happen, or don’t, in almost every relationship. There is no need to make more out of it than the situation requires. If it’s an ongoing issue, then getting assistance is a loving thing to do but don’t rush to judgment or you will create the outcome you both fear.
It is entirely natural to feel all kinds of embarrassment, confusion, and disappointment about the situation. Many times, laughter or deflection is the default defense in these very personal moments. Unfortunately, this may lead to a negative interpretation by your partner that, left unaddressed, can damage your relationship. They might not see it as a nervous response but as an unfeeling one at their expense when they are most vulnerable.
The best way to respond to performance issues is gently and with respect. Hopefully, if you find yourself in this situation, your good feelings for each other can carry you through. Focusing on those feelings and not the disappointment you both are experiencing can turn the situation into a positive one. Showing love by not over talking about it in the moment is an act of intimacy in itself.
If you can manage your own emotional response maturely, you and your partner can learn and grow from this. Allowing each other to feel safe in this uncertain and distressing moment is heroic and really can set you up to be the perfect partner for real.
Need help now? Get a free 15-minute laser coaching session on your biggest intimacy challenge.
—
This post was previously published on The Hero Husband Project and is republished here with permission from the author.
—
◊♦◊
Talk to you soon.
If you believe in the work we are doing here at The Good Men Project and want to join our calls on a regular basis, please join us as a Premium Member, today.
All Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS.
Need more info? A complete list of benefits is here.
—
Photo credit: iStock