Expert Explains Why You Keep Wanting to Go Back to Your Ex

Many years ago, I begged my ex to get back together.

Told him I couldn’t live without him and how all I could ever think of was settling down with him.

Looking back, I regret every moment of it. I hated that I begged someone who cheated on me to stay in my life. I’m not even mad if you call me stupid.

Because I was.

But then I realized getting over an ex isn’t as easy as those relationships books tell you.

Since every relationship has a different dynamic, it’s hard to pinpoint why some people can’t just move on from their exes.

So instead of simply asking you to move on from your ex, I thought it’s better to understand why you keep wanting to go back in the first place.

Why do you keep going back to someone who’s bad for you

A sex therapist & relationship expert, Aliyah Moore explains why there might be psychological reasons why you can’t just let go of your ex.

One of them is the feeling of familiarity and hope for change.

“Knowing their quirks, likes, and dislikes can make it feel safe and predictable, keeping us drawn back in.”

She also added,

“Sometimes we hold onto the hope that our ex will magically change, even if evidence suggests otherwise. It’s like believing they’ll stop their cheating ways this time, but it’s just wishful thinking.”

I mean, anyone who’s going through this situation can surely relate. When you know someone long enough, it’s easy to think that your life isn’t complete if they’re gone.

So when a breakup happens, it feels like you’re missing a piece of yourself. Some people accept that new reality and keep going, but the rest are stuck with old memories.

You might think, “I know he isn’t always like this. He used to be so good to me. I’m sure he can change again.”

So instead of trying to close the chapter, you cling to an empty hope.

Moore also mentioned the fear of being alone, unresolved feelings, and low self-esteem are the reasons why you want to go back to your ex.

One thing to understand here is that everyone will go through that phase during a breakup. Some days your emotions can be so high you don’t know what to do with them.

But learning from past experience, I know I should’ve let it sit — instead of chasing my ex and begging him to stay.

Getting to know “trauma bonding” and what it means for you to move on

It gets even more complicated when it comes to toxic relationships. You probably have heard stories of people who keep coming back to their abusive partners.

The perfect example for me is my own mother.

Trauma bonding has held her back from finding a healthy marriage. She knew the man she married wasn’t good for her but she still put everything to make it work.

As Moore says,

“Trauma bonding messes with your head, leaving you wondering why you’re still in love with someone who treats you like garbage. It’s like your heart and brain aren’t on the same page.”

It takes a lot of time and effort to get out of such a relationship. You’d spend time justifying their actions. Part of it is because you’re scared to walk away.

You aren’t ready to face the unknown. So doing whatever you could to make your ex come back sounds make sense.

It took my mother 5 plus years to finally heal and truly move on. This has taught me to be more respectful of those who’re going through a bad relationship.

You can’t just tell them to “move on” without understanding where they come from. And sometimes the best thing to do is to let them figure it out on their own.

There isn’t an “exact” time on how long one should move on from their ex.

What you can do if you’re in this situation

Although it can feel hopeless at times, there are still things that you can do day to day to help you move on.

The first general rule in moving on is to cut-off contact. You might hear everyone recommends you this move, but it’s because it works.

It works for me and many people out there.

Things changed drastically for me the moment I unfollowed my ex on Instagram — along with blocking his number so he couldn’t call me anymore.

I began to feel free and was no longer dealing with the emotional roller-coaster.

I also started to focus more on my own life — rather than “monitoring” what my ex was up to.

Cutting off your ex is hard when you aren’t over them.

But you also need to understand that you’ll never be able to start a new chapter when you’re still stuck in the past.

Another thing you can do is to remind yourself that it’s over. Do it when you wake up in the morning so you can start the day feeling hopeful.

If you’re down to go the extra mile, try to record your journey in a journal.

I find it easier to accept that your relationship is over when you write it down. Your mind can be messy during a breakup so you might not always be clear on what to do.

But writing down your thoughts helps you find clarity. It’s also empowering to know what you’ve gone through.

The last thing you can do is forgive your ex. Avoid seeking out a closure because most times, it only makes it harder for you to move on.

“Forgiving your ex isn’t about giving them a free pass for their mistakes. It’s about freeing yourself from carrying that heavy baggage of anger and resentment.” — Aliyah Moore

Letting go of a relationship that used to be magical isn’t only hard, but it also makes you question if there’s someone else out there who can give you that.

But look, you can still miss your ex without wanting them back. I challenge you to create a list of 10 things why you’re grateful for the breakup.

Most people don’t do it. Because they focus too much on the what-ifs.

Don’t let it be you.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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