The tree branches loomed out of the unseen like skeletal hands, grasping towards the road with malignant glee. The mountain road was curvy and dangerous, unlit. There was no shoulder here — just a deep drop off a concealed cliff. The car interior was unnaturally dark, the headlights barely making a dent in the deep fog bank surrounding us. The mists rolled and added a sprinkle of rain to an already dangerous mix. The road was too narrow to turn around.
My boyfriend sat at the wheel, his eyes fierce in concentration. I remember looking at the strength in his arms, the slight tension in his hands as he navigated that road on a creepy, foggy night. We had gotten a chance for a rare weekend away and we had taken it, weather be damned.
…
We made it to the cabin we rented for the weekend. He started a fire and I opened the wine. When we were snuggled there, happy to be safe inside he turned to me and let out a sigh. “I’m so glad we made it…I was really worried for a bit there.”
I was shocked and told him so. I had noticed the muscles bunching on his arms and the concentration on his face. I had seen and admired his skill and confidence. I didn’t see worry or fear. When I asked him about it he shrugged and replied.
“I was strong because you needed me to be.”
Particular Fears — Yours and Mine Become Ours
I have no sense of direction, which annoyed my stepfather to no end. He claimed I was making it up. My boyfriend knows that my stepfather had a particular way of teaching me to navigate. He would drive me up into the mountains and drop me off. Holding a couple of map pages from an old Thomas guide I would have to find my way home. I find the idea of being forced to walk down dark mountain roads more stressful than most.
The circumstances might have been different, but the terror would be the same.
Instead of telling me to face my fear, my boyfriend put my hand on his leg, so I could feel steady by touching him. He hid his anxiety about what we had to do. In that moment my vulnerability was greater than his and so he shouldered the burden of fear — for both of us.
Helping your partner celebrate their victories is absolutely vital of course. But allowing them to share vulnerabilities brings its own relationship rewards. You can be a safe spot for what they consider their weaker self. Giving them the shelter they need deepens bonds.
I don’t talk about walking on those dark roads much. It’s from a time that I wish I could forget. But as the sky darkened and turned I could feel my breath begin to hitch. I could see the veins on my hands raise, a sign I was unconsciously clenching them. For me, this is a sign of the possibility of a PTSD attack. One way I’ve gotten control of it is to give voice to my fear.
When I trusted him with a piece of my history that was affecting me now, our relationship changed and expanded. He felt grateful that I trusted him enough to share this thing and I was grateful for how he responded. That circle completed again when he later shared something with me.
Adding vulnerability is the dance that expands our sense of we. This thing that used to affect only me is now a burden I can share with you. The act of sharing may not affect what happened before, but it strengthens the now. It helps me to stand up to fear. And it’s part of what forges the us that we’re both investing in.
Vulnerability — Powerful and Scary
Brene Brown did a wonderful series of Ted Talks about vulnerability and shame. Her research was focused on what made people connect, and allowed people to be open to connection. In her glorious talk she says:
“They believed that what made them vulnerable made them beautiful. They didn’t talk about vulnerability being comfortable, nor did they really talk about it being excruciating — as I had heard it earlier in the shame interviewing. They just talked about it being necessary.” ~Brene Brown: The Power of Vulnerability
That idea, the thought that what makes you vulnerable is what makes you beautiful is one I have explored recently. In my piece called Broken Beauty, I compared people to kintsugi. I believe that your flaws and scars are the things that make you rise up when life crushes you. The act of facing the broken things within takes courage.
These golden pieces where you were once broken can shine brightly, even to other people.
Acknowledge and embrace the gifts given by overcoming past pain or trauma. Understand that the You Who Was Before The Pain gave the You Who Is Now a gift by overcoming. Embrace that gift further by opening your heart and sharing it with the one you love. The deepened bond between the two of you is a gift you forge for the You Who Will Be.
Embracing Their Vulnerability
When a partner first comes into your life, it’s easy to see them as perfect. My boyfriend has soft brown eyes, a gorgeous smile, and an accent that slithers into my ears and heads straight for my hormones. Once we got to talking I discovered his kindness, his sense of humor and his scary intelligence. He’s one of the best in the world in his work niche.
As you can see, I was incredibly enamored of him, right from the start. I still am.
After we started dating a while he started revealing vulnerabilities to me. Not directly, but in the things he said. Like most incredibly bright people he suffers from Imposter Syndrome now and again. (According to the Harvard Business Review, Imposter syndrome can be defined as a collection of feelings of inadequacy that persist despite evident success.). He had a scary childhood incident involving bugs and has a deep dislike of them.
He has a hard time taking compliments because he has a hard time believing them.
As he revealed all of these new facets to me, I considered and accepted them. Our connection deepened from lust and admiration to respect and friendship and finally into love. I could see him as who he really is, not the idealized version I annoyed my best friend by bubbling like a schoolgirl with constant chatter about how amazing he is.
With each new facet we reveal to each other and accept, we deepen our connection and love. If I had refused to accept and embrace these vulnerabilities, the potential of our relationship would have been stunted.
…
I once had a really good friend who wanted to change our relationship. I considered and started telling him a little about my childhood. Before I got to the parts that I considered bad, he stopped me. “Please don’t tell me anymore. I can’t take it.”
He protected himself by rejecting the places where I was most vulnerable. The potential for a relationship was severed at that minute. It took him a very long time to understand and accept the mistake he had made. By the time he was willing to walk the path of vulnerability, it was too late.
The chance for connection had passed us by, and for a while, he was haunted by what-ifs.
The Path Winds Unexpectedly
Learning to embrace vulnerabilities — yourself and your partner’s — is a lifelong quest. People are not static. As time goes on and your partner evolves and changes, it is up to you to understand and accept them.
Expecting stasis will kill your relationship.
Your image of yourself, your partner, and your connection must all be flexible and open to reinterpretation. A bad car crash might cause a previously brash driver some anxiety behind the wheel. This is a change in who they are, who they see themselves as, and what they need from the relationship.
Honor your bond by never thinking you know them fully. Instead, take their hand and prepare to explore the ever changing, fascinating person you love and the relationship you have built together.
Remembering The Important Things
Some Takeaways:
- Don’t expect perfection from your partner. They will have weaknesses and fears, just like you.
- Learning to trust and be vulnerable together can strengthen your connection.
- Expect your partner to grow and change. Embrace their evolving self.
- Explore these changes in personality and connection — together.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Charlie Foster on Unsplash