Fatherless: Even Jesus Had a Dad

If you grew up with your dad or a consistent father figure, you can’t know the bitterness that intensifies inside as you grow without one, arrive at adulthood, and realize how bereft you are of basic life skills. I know. I’m a man. Men aren’t supposed to bring this stuff up. Yet, this has been my experience.

To this day, I’ve yet to know what real fatherhood is on a personal level. My idea of what fatherhood might be like comes from television and the relationships I’ve seen between my close friends and their fathers.

According to the U.S. Census Bureau, 18.3 million children live without a consistent father figure in their household. Why is this a reality in a nation which prides itself on wholesome community values and family? Why do children experience such a high rate of father absenteeism in this country?

Although we could discuss the effects of the prison industry on the home and family unit or the destructive laws that pay women not to have a father in the home, I’d like instead to focus on the outcomes we can expect to witness when children are raised without the guidance and direction a present father provides.

Fathers Provide the Rite of Passage

Fathers are tasked by nature with a responsibility to teach their children how to “fish” and create opportunities for themselves to excel, navigate difficult situations, and find ways to emerge victorious in the face of certain defeat.

They do well when they teach their sons how to stick to a task and not abandon it until it is completed. They excel when they show their daughters what real love is — so they “don’t go chasing waterfalls” — , and how to provide for themselves so they aren’t dependent on a man for their survival.

In addition to self-sufficiency and tough love, a good father instills in his children the ability to endure in unfamiliar or uncomfortable circumstances. Finding rhythm and longevity in the experiences I’ve chosen has always been my greatest challenge. “Just stick with it”, some might say. They are not wrong. Fundamentally, this is true. Yet, we are much more likely to follow through in our endeavours in the long term if we have continuous support, encouragement, and guidance.

Once, I watched my friend and his father work on a car together. I was blown away by the stern manner in which my friend’s dad laid down the law about how things worked under the hood of a car.

Initially, my friend was restless and didn’t listen attentively. His dad told him that he’d need to follow directions and watch closely if he didn’t want to get himself or ‘someone else’ killed. This advice froze my friend. His gaze locked in on his dad. Completely entranced, he considered his father’s words.

I think at that moment, the seeds for mastery were set within him. The mentee must experience the relationship between themselves as the apprentice, and a knowledgeable mentor. From this relationship, they must glean the essence of life success overtime.

Then they must synthesize the knowledge they receive and intelligently demonstrate it for their mentor to show an acceptable level of proficiency. For many cultures and tens of thousands of years, a rite of passage has stood between youth and the entrance into adulthood. A rite of passage experience is missing for many of today’s youth.

My Experience Without a Father

I don’t know how to describe the painful yearning of wondering what life might have been with the support of my father. Seeing young boys today out and about with their fathers eats me up sometimes. Although I’m grown now, I can’t lie. The feeling is a sharp dagger in my chest and at once, a feeling of emptiness and loneliness, an ever-deepening black hole of misery and disgust with myself for not being anything worthwhile.

My father, as I understand, didn’t see his father much. My deceased grandfather was an OTR (over the road) truck driver. I remember talking to my father for the first time as an adult at 26-year-old. He told me that his dad would drop off a box of “goodies” — clothes, snacks, etc. — every now and again and on holidays. “I rarely saw him”, he said to me. Pain. It makes sense. He never learned to overcome the pain of not having his own father. He dealt with it through suppression most likely.

As a dad, he was somewhat there the first few years. I have a picture where he’s laying on the ground playing with me. I have a toy in my hand and I’m around 1 year old. After I turned 3, things between him and my mom went south and I never saw him.

My mother was there for me. She raised me exceptionally well — did the best she could and encouraged me to do well in school and to attend a university. And while I won’t say I was a genius, I certainly was never in any danger of not graduating on time. After high school, she encouraged me to pick a field in college where I could make some “real money”. I remember our conversations vividly.

Jack of Many Trades — Master of None

I did go to school for music performance initially. When this didn’t go well, I began venturing off into other areas of study to find my place. I found difficulty sticking with my studies. In addition to music, which I still loved, I took classes to become an accountant, and even a lawyer, yet, I manifested none of these career paths. I was restless.

I wanted to accomplish many things and I didn’t need school to do it, I thought. I changed my major several times, dropped out, re-enrolled, dropped out again, and went off to help manage a band my best friend was in only to end up back in square one. Restless. I’ve done a lot, yet feel like I’ve done “nothing” all this time.

A female friend suggested that I’m too hard on myself. I’m not sure how I would improve as a human if I wasn’t, but maybe her point was that we stifle our progress when our self-criticism kills our joy for living our dreams.

I began writing seriously in my late 20’s. After traveling to L.A., I moved back to Atlanta, published a book, started and ran my own community music show, built a network of musicians and artists, and recorded 4 hip-hop albums. I’ve also done lots of studio work as a trumpet player. You could call me a jack of numerous trades. I don’t know whether to be proud or bothered at this. I do wonder if we pick up the multi-task, jack-of-all-trades lifestyle from witnessing our mothers juggle more roles than they should in the absense of a father.

Last Thoughts

I didn’t share this for pitty. I don’t want that. I want to keep it real and honestly express an aspect of familial relationships that is rarely discussed. I want more than anything for families and friends to get together and talk about the problem of fatherlessness in our homes. I want us to resolve the traumas of childhood so we can end the cycle of broken families. It is a lot of work, but I think maybe it starts with sharing personal stories like this one.

Although children who grow up without their fathers are very much capable of becoming accomplished in whatever they choose, we should understand that there is a strong possibility that they may fall by the wayside before finding their way. There is simply no substitute for the guidance a strong knowledgeable father can provide for his children.

The research is vast on the psychological effects of fatherlessness on children. Most of them demonstrate beyond doubt that children have more stable mental and financial health with a present father. I mentioned that my mother was always there for me. Growing up, I didn’t miss my dad. He wasn’t there so there was no one to miss.

I remember my mom and I living together as a unit. It’s only been over the last few years that I have experienced the pain of growing up without a father. I think this is probably because now I realize the mindset that men are supposed to have in order to win in a competetive environment. Better late than never some would say, yet, a head start makes all the difference.

If you’re a dad reading this and you’re not in your child’s life, go find them and teach them how to make it in this world. If you don’t know how to make it, at least be there for them. In this simple act, you emphatically demonstrate the first of rule of life success: consistency.

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This post was previously published on Medium.

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