“Sam and I are talking about getting engaged soon!”
The words were spoken by my friend Kim, and I was very surprised to hear them. In the three years that I have known her, Kim has constantly talked about how her relationship has an expiration date.
Later on, in the evening I had some time alone with Kim and I asked her gently, “Do you want to get engaged to Sam?”
Kim’s shoulders slumped and because we were no longer with our other friends, she admitted that she wasn’t sure. Kim said that she is happy most of the time, but the thought of leaving Sam hurts too much…even if she questions deep down whether or not they should build a future together.
My heart ached for her because I often talk to friends and my coaching clients that are in a similar situation. They aren’t entirely content with their relationship, but they don’t want to make the decision that is going to hurt in the short term.
Here are some of the primary reasons that I witness people stay in their relationships based on fear.
***
#1. You are terrified of what could happen
Have you ever been through a break-up before? If so, are you able to tap into the horrible feeling that you have right before it happens? You feel sick to your stomach, anxious, and almost like a part of you is dying because it’s so damn painful.
Often it is the build-up and anticipation of the break-up that is worse than when you have cut ties and admitted that things were finally over.
The only certainty I can provide with a guarantee is that your life will go on after a break-up and that as much as it hurts you will not die of a broken heart. The world will keep on spinning and once you rip off the band-aid you can finally begin healing and moving on instead of living in a self-made purgatory.
***
#2. The thought of starting over is exhausting
Years ago I was standing in the kitchen of the apartment where my ex and I lived. Although I could feel our relationship crumbling around us, the very thought of moving on was devastating, and there was one primary thought at the forefront of my mind.
I didn’t want to do it all again. The first date, the awkwardness, the getting to know each other, the first time I felt butterflies in my stomach, the falling in love, the falling out of love… it felt so pointless to throw everything away and I didn’t want to have to go through this with another person.
Leaving that relationship was a painful decision although it was the correct one… but I had to fight through the exhaustion and despair to gather the strength in order to walk away.
***
#3. You feel like you invested your time already and might as well stay
One of the most common sentences I will hear from someone who has been unhealthy for ages about their relationship is along the lines of, “Well we have been together for (insert number) of years so it is pointless to start over.”
When I was growing up I watched my parents stay together long past their expiration date simply because they had already been together for so long. That didn’t keep things from falling apart but for a time, the simple investment they had made in each other was enough to keep them going.
Eventually, things fell apart and I always wondered how much better their outlook on life would have been if they had been honest with their children and each other instead of spending decades in misery. Now they live broken and bitter with an angry and twisted view of relationships
***
#4. There is a nagging feeling that you are settling at the back of your mind
When I asked, Kim outright admitted that she wondered if she could be settling for her partner. She said that there is always a little voice at the back of her mind that just says, “you are settling” over and over again.
Several days after our conversation I logged onto social media and saw that Kim had posted a photo with her partner with the caption, “I love doing life with you.”
There is no question in my mind as to whether or not Kim loves her boyfriend. I know that she does. However, the question is whether or not that love can survive with an endless amount of doubt in the back of her mind. Perhaps they can co-exist but I would not want to live with constant doubt and confusion.
***
Would you want someone to stay with you out of fear?
A less mature version of myself would have answered this very differently than today. In the past, while blinded by my own selfishness, there were times when my desire to be with someone outweighed my wish for them to be happy.
Now, there is no possibility that I could stay with someone with what I know about love and relationships. I could not be happy living with the knowledge that my partner was only staying with me because of fear.
A relationship will not complete us, becoming whole is something that only comes from within ourselves. That being said, the right relationship should bring us happiness, a feeling of contentment, and enhance our quality of life.
If you are in a position where you fear being alone and believe you may be settling, listen to that voice at the back of your head. All too often we ignore it when it is usually telling us exactly what we need to hear.
—
This post was previously published on Medium.
***
You Might Also Like These From The Good Men Project
Compliments Men Want to Hear More Often | Relationships Aren’t Easy, But They’re Worth It | The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex | ..A Man’s Kiss Tells You Everything |
Join The Good Men Project as a Premium Member today.
All Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS.
A $50 annual membership gives you an all access pass. You can be a part of every call, group, class and community.
A $25 annual membership gives you access to one class, one Social Interest group and our online communities.
A $12 annual membership gives you access to our Friday calls with the publisher, our online community.
Register New Account
Need more info? A complete list of benefits is here.
—
Photo credit: Scott Webb on Unsplash