I want you to understand something. You live in a world with others whom you depend on and who depend on you.
You want to be able to trust that your mechanic isn’t ripping you off, that your teachers know what they’re talking about and that politicians are going to represent you when the time comes to write bills and laws.
We are interdependent. We are dependent on one another.
But many of us grew up without being able to depend on our caregivers or parents. As a result, we had to cope with not having certain things. It could be structure or affection or trust, but something was missing.
When we became adults, we continued to cope because that’s what we’d been doing for so long. But the frustrations of continuing to cope instead of receiving that long awaited missing piece is why we can’t be at peace.
We embark on relationships that ultimately aren’t fulfilling enough because they’re just like the relationships with our caregivers from childhood.
Then we wonder what kind of cruel joke the universe is playing on us. But the reality is that the universe has no interest in hurting us. After all, aren’t we a part of the universe? It’d be like the universe punching itself in the face.
Ultimately, our subconscious is replaying the old dynamic from the past. It’s just programming. So how do you reprogram yourself into getting something that actually works?
You must understand that the things you want from others are the things you are not giving to yourself.
When you experienced your less than stellar relationship with your parents or caregivers, you didn’t just learn how to let people treat you. You learnt how to treat yourself. In fact, it is how you treat yourself that instructs others on how to treat you.
This realization prompted me to reminisce about the negative moments I’ve had in relationships or situationships. What I found made me laugh and shake my head.
I realized that the moments that I felt the most hurt were the moments when I needed to be defended, chosen, valued or affirmed — the very things I didn’t receive growing up. When I did the right thing, it was expected. When I did the wrong thing, I was sternly reprimanded.
To add insult to injury, a friend of mine made a comment years ago about something totally unrelated to romantic relationships. He said, “Your problem is that you don’t defend yourself. Do you realize that?”
No, I didn’t. He was spot on, I knew he was spot on but it still took some time before I could wrap my head around it.
I needed to be my biggest cheerleader. I had to say to myself all the things I wanted a girlfriend or wife to say about me — and I had to mean it. I had to defend myself, choose myself, value myself and affirm myself. I had to do the things my parents didn’t do enough of.
But because I didn’t, I wanted a romantic partner to do these things for me just as I wanted my parents to.
It even showed up in other areas of my life. For instance, I stopped celebrating my birthday but I thought nothing of it. However, this realization made me remember being a kid who wanted to celebrate his life instead of the adult who acted as if it was just another day and nothing special.
And to make matters worse, I could see where I was giving people what I wanted but not receiving it in return. This explained a common complaint where people feel like they are giving and loving but others aren’t giving or loving back.
Perhaps your caregivers didn’t protect you in the face of danger or even walked you into danger. Subconsciously, you want someone to protect you but you always end up with people who make you feel unsafe.
Or maybe your parent was emotionally absent. Subconsciously, you would want a partner who sees you and emotionally invests in you but you end up choosing people who seem to not care about you.
My advice is to take a look at your past relationships (or lack thereof in some cases) and see what the common theme was every time you felt hurt.
When you see it, allow yourself to grieve the wasted efforts and the painful past. If you feel no way about it, no problem. But if you do, just allow yourself to feel whatever emotion comes up. Don’t fight against it. Just sit with it.
If you can, sit with the pain of yesteryear when your caregivers hurt you. If you can allow yourself to do this, you will transmute that pain into peace.
Now, in order to reprogram your subconscious mind, begin to give yourself the things no one ever gave you. Treat yourself differently. Talk to yourself differently. Over time, it will become second nature and people will respond accordingly.
Not only will your life reflect this change, your inner world feels much better. The missing piece wasn’t a person at all. It was you treating yourself the way you deserve to be treated.
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This post was previously published on Medium.
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Photo credit: Ben White on Unsplash