Good will is essential to human relationship.
The moment we lose it, we should consider what would be needed to come back into good will.
A different space, set of circumstances, outlook can all help to repair good will in relationship.
Good will is a gift because often we have to choose it. To find a new perspective or understanding.
The truth is that relationship calls us in to personal growth. The very nature of relationship and how we partner with people invites us to understand parts of ourselves that have previously been hidden. If this cannot be done in trust and acknowledgement of the process, then it can lead to tension.
If bad will continues across significant time, we should consider leaving the relationship we’re in.
The moment we lose good will, we need to open to why it has been lost within us, and what is coming up within us, from our past experiences, which means we have closed.
Daniel Gottman did some really profound research into the ending of marriages. Perhaps the most intense version of a commitment to another person that exists in the world. What he found was that criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling will lead to divorce, every time. There are also other factors in the article linked.
He also did research into the seven factors that can promote great realtionship:
- 1) Sharing love maps.
- 2) Nurturing fondness and admiration.
- 3) Turning toward each other, instead of away.
- 4) Letting your partner influence you.
- 5) Solving your solvable problems.
- 6) Overcoming gridlock.
- 7) Creating shared meaning together.
Often times we have to navigate really challenging situations, most of these situations involve conflicting, complex factors that are interwoven, interconnected and hard to navigate.
Here are some factors that can help you to navigate these situations with an open and accepting heart, cultivating good will as you go.
Acknowledge your difficult emotions
People often think that repressing difficult emotions means they are not there.
Carl Jung said that everything you don’t look at, ends up controlling you.
Which one do you think is right?
The first one leads to toxic positivity, mask wearing to make others and yourself feel that you’re a good and acceptable person.
You end up repressing emotion that builds into blocked and torrid energy, and ends up seeping out sideways in unintentional ways.
So Jung was correct in his observation.
The truth being that this is a form of control on yourself, and therefore others.
When we are faced with a situation we have never witnessed before, it is best to stay open and curious.
It is easier said than done. Remembering the focus of staying open, focused and curious, can be the difference between a disaster and a success.
It also allows you to actively listen, instead of trying to fix, or formulating your response when another person is talking.
In acknowledging your feelings, you’ll be able to better respond to the situation appropriately. Your nervous system won’t kick into fight, flight, freeze or fawn as readily, and you’ll be able to access the faculties of the right brain.
When faced with a problem, the way to a solution is to accept the problem, and to get curious to a solution.
Innovation
Innovation is so key to good will because it does not objectify completely.
It will never say never, or always.
Innovators say: “What would happen if”
The state of innovation seeks to know physical factors so that they can be utilised in a natural way to find a different solution.
Like turning a tanker around in the ocean, changing conflicting circumstances is always done in slight pivots.
Creation
As Gottman states in his research, creating shared meaning is really significant.
It’s not just that it creates meaning and stories that both can relate to over time, it’s also that it keeps both people in the states of being; the circuits of the nervous system, which open them to connection, intimacy, joy and play.
It is one thing to build a life together out of the basic needs. The experiences of security and safety, it is another to choose each other every day, agreeing to enjoy the different experiences of life in reflection and curiosity.
Different possibilities open up when both are in states of creation.
Mapping
Understanding self and other is intimacy.
Into-me-see.
If we do this without a map, then it can so easily overwhelm us. It can so easily lead to checking out, distracting, freeze states, or pulling away.
The mind doesn’t like things it can’t map into meaning.
The physiology we have tracks the world for threats. That is significantly our nature. So we have to map information to understand it, to stay curious to what it means to another, instead of processing it in the terms of our individual safety.
Because knowing another means dissolving yourself into their expression, at least at the time of their expression. Pure presence, and active listening, does not have an identity.
Individual importance has been so prevalent in the cultural stories of the West, but see what happens when you empty your mind and really just focus on listening to what someone is saying, and what meaning it makes for them in their life.
In that way, you can map their bodies, as well as your own.
Navigating
There’s a tipping point to all things.
Navigating means knowing direction, and having containers of time to best serve everyone’s needs.
This fosters good will because everyone needs to fulfil multiple, and often conflicting needs, in life.
In my previous relationships, Sunday mornings were a time to check in with my partner on how we could be better connected. Walking in nature was great for this conversation, after being fed and watered.
Those are the conditions we needed to navigate.
In integral coaching we talk about the ‘we space’ of relationship.
A third space different from ‘I’ or ‘You’.
Direction is important in terms of shared vision, shared values, shared activities.
Integrating Thoughts
A life of intentional awareness leads to good will, because acceptance and intimacy can’t come without open and honest sharing.
Good will is a gift, because even through the most challenging situations, we can always choose to navigate it in good will and faith that everyone can find their true and happy path through it.
This doesn’t always mean a relationship will survive, but it will ensure you remain in relation to each other.
To me, that’s the most important thing.
To stay in connection.
To each other, and to yourself.
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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.
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