Temporarily Out of Order – Grief as a Mental Health Issue in the Workplace
A few years ago, I delivered a presentation at a Tourism & Hospitality Occupational Health & Safety conference. The theme was “The healthy workplace: A state of mind.” Each presentation touched on a different issue pertaining to mental health in the workplace.
My presentation was entitled, Behind the Scenes; A Grief Deconstructed. I had delivered this presentation before—but mainly to volunteers working with victim service units of police departments. I adapted it for the tourism & hospitality industry by focusing on two key messages:
- The importance of workplace safety: By using the circumstances of my police officer husband’s easily preventable death on the job (he fell through a ceiling and died of a brain injury because there was no safety railing in place), I communicated the idea that the public has a role to play in ensuring their workplace is safe for everyone, including emergency responders who may have to attend.
- Grief as a mental health issue: By sharing some of my personal experience with the psychological and emotional aspects of my grieving process, I tried to illustrate how we never know what is really going on “behind the scenes” with someone who has recently experienced a significant loss.
To this end, I discussed the vulnerability, shame, confusion and isolation I experienced as a result of what I was really thinking and feeling in the months following John’s death—but was too embarrassed to share with anyone in my close circle of support (or a professional).
I did my best to explain the process of how my mind struggled to accept the unacceptable. For coping with a significant traumatic event, such as the sudden death of a loved one, can wreak havoc on our usual cognitive capabilities. It certainly did with me.
From a psychological perspective, I was temporarily out of order for a few months—but didn’t put the sign up.
Although the mental health issues that can crop up as part of the grieving process—such as depression, anxiety, denial and/or suicidal thoughts—may be temporary versus chronic, if gone unchecked the impacts can, in the extreme case of suicide, be devastatingly permanent.
After sharing my experience of grieving John’s death (including healthy versus unhealthy coping mechanisms), I offered the audience some tangible tips that people might find of use in their workplace (or anywhere, really). These are they:
7 Suggestions for Supporting a Colleague Who Has Recently Experienced a Significant Loss
#1) Don’t try and say the “right” thing. There usually is no right thing. Just be sincere and let the person know you care. If you are going to say the standard, “I’m so sorry for your loss,” then put your heart and soul into saying it…and look the person in the eye.
#2) Sometimes the less you say, the better. You probably don’t know what is going on “behind the scenes” of their grieving process i.e. what they are really thinking and feeling.
And due to the highly vulnerable state they may be in, staying clear of religious comments is usually a good idea. Telling a Mom that “It’s God’s plan” that their child just died in a car crash will likely go over like a lead balloon. Same with comments such as: “He’s in a better place now.” That is a religious belief—and not everyone believes it.
#3) Consider asking the person how they are doing or what they need. Then shut up and really hear what their answer is. It’s called active listening and it’s one of the hardest things to do…but can be a tremendous gift to someone, if you can manage to do it.
#4) Ask the person if it is okay if you mention the loved one who has passed away. Sometimes we are so worried about “not wanting to upset” someone that we deliberately avoid mentioning the person who has passed away (or whatever has caused the grief). But this can have the opposite effect: by not mentioning the deceased person’s name, it can downplay the significance of someone’s loss. It can seem like people are already moving on when the person’s grief has just begun.
#5) Send or give the person a card expressing your condolences, compassion and concern. Even just a simple card with the handwritten note “I’m thinking of you,” can mean the world.
#6) Supporting someone else in their grief is NOT about you. If someone you work with has just lost their spouse, telling them you understand what they are going through because your 90-year old Grandpa died when you were twelve is not helpful. Oddly enough, this sort of comment happens far more often than one would hope.
Likewise, grief is not a competition. I was astounded by the number of people who said to me, shortly after my husband died: “Well, it’s not as bad as losing a child.” That was a projection of their ideas about loss—and did far more harm than good.
#7) Consider asking them to go for a “Walk & Talk.” If the person is open to going for a walk (either on a break from work or outside of work), this can be an opportunity for them to open up and perhaps be more honest about what they are experiencing.
There is something about being outside, physically moving and not having to look directly at someone when speaking that may help the person speak more freely, which can be helpful.
The Downside of Being on the Right Track
What I personally experienced—with both losing a loved one as the result of a workplace fatality and struggling with mental health issues as part of the grieving process—is, unfortunately, a reality for many people…and far more common that perhaps we may realize.
After I had delivered my presentation at the tourism conference, walked around the room, handing out my take-away tips to people and chatting and answering questions. When I got to a table with several women who worked a local resort, one of them said to me: “You have no idea how much we needed to hear your presentation today.”
She went on to tell me that one of their colleagues had just lost her husband two weeks ago—he was electrocuted on the job.
“She is absolutely devastated,” the woman told me. “Thank you for sharing your story because now we have some idea on how to support her.”
And there you have it. In a room full of only thirty people, a workplace fatality—and the far-reaching personal impacts—had reared its ugly head yet again.
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Previously Published on Pink Gazelle
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