I thought I was doing good, but I was in denial. I was in weekly therapy, I was writing again, and finishing school. I was taking a break from romantic relationships, repairing friendships, and prioritizing my own health by using coping skills to work through my emotions.
I was no longer in contact with my ex and I was doing the things you’re ‘supposed’ to do in order to heal from a break-up and move on.
I was focusing more on time with my kids and I figured a movie with them was a nice way to spend my evening. I shouldn’t have chosen that movie, but I thought I was in a healthy enough place that it would be alright. It’s amazing how music, movies, and places you’ve been with a lover in the past can affect you when you least expect it. I discovered that night just how much.
The music, the emotions, the memories, and moments from my past came rushing back as if no time had passed. I remembered the touching, talking, kissing, and crying together somewhere in a movie theatre in the dark all those years ago. My brain brought it all back to me in a cascade of torrential emotions flooding my whole body.
Soon the tears came, sobs from deep inside, crashing over me like ocean waves in a storm. I escaped outside to the hot Arizona air, sat under the starry sky, staring at the lake, and let the waves sweep me away. My yoga brain kept telling me, “It’s ok. What’s coming up is coming to go,” while the waves kept coming, no end in sight.
When it became harder to breathe I wondered if I could die from pain like this? I went inside and escaped to the bathroom shower. Water is often my refuge and it was the only place I could think to find relief. I found myself laying on the shower floor, my sobs mixed with the hot water, trying to burn away the sorrow. The howling sounds bubbling from deep inside me were inhuman.
I wasn’t supposed to feel this way. I wasn’t supposed to be heart-broken all over again. I was doing what was right and healthy for me. So why was I falling apart inside? Shouldn’t I be better now? Shouldn’t I be over this?
Later, while discussing this with my therapist, I began to understand something I will never forget.
Me: “It’s been two months. I should be over this by now.”
Therapist: “Says who? Why is there a rush to be healed?”
Me: “A rush to be healed? I don’t want to have to heal from this person I loved so much. So much of it was amazing.”
Therapist: “If it wasn’t ever good and there wasn’t any love, it wouldn’t be hard to leave and hurt so much.”
Me: {more crying}
Therapist: “Maybe journal a little about why is there such a rush for you to be healed.”
Me: “I think I might already know. I don’t want to feel this way.”
Therapist: “There you go. It’s ok to grieve the loss of someone you shouldn’t be with.”
I didn’t want to feel more pain or sadness. I wanted to be healed, happy, and moving on in my life. I skipped over the part I didn’t want to feel; the sadness, the pain, and the deep sorrow from the hole of someone I love now gone from my life.
My therapist was gave me the one thing I couldn’t give myself; permission to miss someone I love. Feeling a loss for the person I shouldn’t be with doesn’t mean I have to forget the amazing times. It means we existed, they happened, and will belong with me for the rest of my life, even if we don’t belong together.
—
Previously Published on medium
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