There’s a scene in The Office episode “Garage Sale” where Holly and Phyllis are discussing their aging parents. Phyllis says, “…if you wait for the time when your parent comes to you and says, ‘I can’t take care of myself anymore,’ it’s never gonna happen.”
It struck a chord in me the first time I saw it, long ago, but it takes on a new meaning for me as both my mother and I get older. I think the statement has a truth to it, but it also cuts to the heart of American society and its continuing failure to provide for its aging citizens.
My mother is 73, and comes from a family of hard-working Italian immigrants. As the second eldest of eleven children, she got a job at a young age to help support her family, something not uncommon in immigrant families. Although she left the workforce to have children, she later returned to work for twenty years in Mutual Funds, supporting herself and her young children after she and my father divorced.
And now it’s supposed to be her turn to allow us to care for her, or at least that’s how my brother and I see it. And it’s not uncommon in other countries, where you will often find generations of family living together, the younger members caring for the older, and respect for the elderly is taught from a very young age. So why is America so different?
For one, we have higher healthcare costs. Although citizens over the age of 65 are eligible to receive Medicare, there are higher costs associated with medication co-pays. Seniors in the United States have a higher rate of skipping out on going to the doctor for fear of having to pay out-of-pocket costs—which, on top of paying for housing and food, is often too high a burden.
While some states, like Massachusetts, are trying to focus on more active lifestyles to keep seniors in their own homes, a la Scotland, most of the United States still falls far behind countries like Sweden, Italy, Greece, and Latin America. More money is placed in nursing homes—and more elders are, too. Even those who worked most of their lives receive a Social Security payment that is more likely to require a supplemental part time job to be able to afford housing and utilities, whereas in places like the Netherlands, for instance, seniors receive a pension that is close to their working wage.
My mother recently went through two separate rounds of treatment for breast cancer. The cost of each radiation treatment was in the thousands, and a year later she’s still paying down the bill. This past December she fell and broke her femur. While in the rehabilitation center for treatment, she was repeatedly reminded that her 100 percent Medicare coverage would run out on the 21st. From the 21st on, despite the fact that she had no ability to stand, no wheelchair, and no wheelchair ramp, every day from the moment she hit the 21st was a rush to go home and not incur higher costs. Likewise, her physical therapists, on hearing that she couldn’t do more than touch down her toe until the next orthopedic visit, advised her to stop their services until she could reach the next level of PT so that she didn’t “use up her visits.”
My mother is a very independent person. We traveled to Georgia for a wedding, and she slipped and fell while trying to navigate to the restroom. For three days we refused to let her go alone, and she got more and more defensive—she was raised to be independent, and the admission that she needs help is an admission that she is getting older.
In that respect, Phyllis was right—if you wait for your parent to tell you they need help, it isn’t going to happen. But it occurs to me that they wouldn’t be so defensive about telling you they need help if growing old wasn’t such a daunting prospect in America.
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Talk to you soon.
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