It’s been a while since I was dating. I’m now in a committed relationship and very happy about it. However, I did enjoy dating for a while. I met some interesting people and visited some new venues. I had fun.

However, sometimes I was stunned at how clueless my dates could be.

This isn’t meant to bash men — women can also be clueless. However, I’m offering advice based on my own experiences dating. Men have their own stories, I know! And not all men are clueless.

For men who may need some help, though, here are some first date tips offered by yours truly based on real first date fiascos:

Good hygiene matters

• If you or your clothing stinks — she will not want to get physically close. Brush your teeth, shower, wear clothing that isn’t caked with mud.
• If you bring her to your apartment and your toilet is backed up — GROSS!!!! We are out the door.
• If giving her a ride, make sure your car is neat.
• CLEAN YOUR LITTER BOX!!!!

You get the idea. And yes, there were men who really did not understand these basic concepts.

Good manners are important

Speaking of basic concepts…

• Show up when you say you will. A few minutes late is not a big deal, but don’t push it.
• Call if you say you will.
• If you are not interested in her, be honest and tell her, or at least text her. Ghosting is rude.
• Chew with your mouth closed. Yes, really.
• Do not flirt with other women during your date and do not keep answering your cell phone. Do her the courtesy of paying attention TO HER. Now, if there is another woman in the room that’s caught your eye, you can discreetly talk to her or slip her a note when your date is in the bathroom. After all, you are on a first date, not in a committed relationship. However, you should still be discreet.
• If he is mean to the waitress, browbeats his employees or is rude to his mother — why would you want to go out with him again?
• Do not take her to a sports bar and spend the whole date glued to the game, unless she is also a major fan and cheers along with you.

Good manners basically just involve showing respect for both yourself and for others.

Codependent behavior

• Your date is not your therapist. If you need a therapist — hire one.
• But, you say, you just want to vent or get some emotional support. Have you tried your mother or your best friend? What about your dog?
• What if you are estranged from your mother, have no friends and your dog ran away? Please find a therapist NOW.
• Do not start crying during a date because someone tells you she would rather be friends. Trust me, this will not win the lady back. (For more details, see the bullet points above.)
• Do not try to bribe her into dating you. Yes, it’s fine to show up with some daisies or offer to buy drinks. These are nice gestures and are appreciated. Buying her jewelry though? On a first date? NO. Offering to take her to Vegas? Are you nuts?

Miscellaneous bad behaviors

• Don’t lie on your profile. OK, you can lie A LITTLE. Most people do. Men claim they are an inch or two taller, women that they are 10 pounds lighter. But don’t push it.
• Don’t use your current date to try to get an “in” with other women. Yes, I’ve had men try to do this!
• Do not propose to her on the second date. Yes, this also actually happened.
• If he includes his mother on a first date — this is a VERY BAD sign. RUN!

The above is not a comprehensive list by any means, but hopefully it helps. Looking through the list — I am very happy indeed to no longer be dating!

I am fighting stage IV cancer. If you can help with medical bills, I would really appreciate it. Or if you enjoy my writing and would like to buy me a cup of coffee, that’s great too. Maybe someday I can return the favor.

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This post was previously published on Shefali O’Hara’s blog.

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