My memories of Mother’s Day 2020 are dark, heavy, and weepy.
I hit one of my regular lows: a beautiful gift for my wife who had two babies in 14 months and the pressure of working as the sole breadwinner from home during a global pandemic. (That sentence makes me tired.)
Later, I became more conscious of this mental-emotional state. There’s a feeling of profound heaviness and my life lenses get narrow and dark. Shay, my therapist, calls these “depressive episodes”. She says I experience them after high highs and excessive stimulation from anxiety. Also, she swears sometimes. This makes me feel safe and respected.
“What would you diagnose me with?” I asked Shay, my therapist who also acts as my fantasy mom.
“Generalized anxiety, PTSD, and you experience depressive episodes.”
Her answer brought me tremendous clarity.
Unwanted Friends
There has always been Anxiety. He caused me to throw up and pee multiple times in embarrassment before middle school basketball games while the rest of my team waited.
This familiar pal impaired performance. As a child, I performed a great deal playing almost every sport available to me.
In my early adult years, I picked up another unwanted sidekick, PTSD — the source: an unhealthy, abusive first marriage that lasted almost eight years. Looking back, I know this burdensome chap was around before this. My parents had a cold, unstable relationship. My dad abused alcohol and was often absent. So I walked on eggshells at home, unsure of when the tension would explode, and then swept underneath the rug.
Also, there was Perfectionism — the third annoying buddy. She created a heavy cocktail of analysis paralysis, anxiety, and the need for extra time. My Kindergarten teacher sent work home telling my mom that “he worked well all class but couldn’t finish on time.”
I’ll Take the Happy With a Side of Weird, Please.
Since my divorce in 2016, I experienced death, healing, and rebirth. I met a strong, loving partner, and in two years, we doubled the family with two tiny humans. After my partner gave birth to our first child, I left the grind of teaching to be an at-home dad. These changes, along with a decrease in adult interaction and long hours at home, exposed dormant trauma I thought was laid to rest.
In 2020, I used alcohol almost daily to cope with anxiety and depression. Later, I learned this popular substance worsens these struggles. In the fall, I did Sober October, replacing alcohol with water and working out at least four days a week. I meditated 10 minutes a day, journaled weekly, and practiced the Wim Hof Method — a type of conscious breathwork paired with regular cold exposure, like cold showers, ice baths, or barefoot walking in the snow. I also used zero social media.
I’ve always loved the weird, uncommon, and unconventional. Alternative, counter-cultural, whatever you want to call it, I dig it. I enjoy pushing against how society says we should be to be who we truly are. So, since waking up, I’ve taken some adventurous paths to improve my health and happiness.
I prefer to be outside in nature. I do yoga, crawl in the grass, balance on poles, and climb trees. To improve my posture and mobility, I deep squat and do other ground-resting positions while brushing my teeth, working on the computer, or watching TV. I love conscious breathwork, mindfulness, and meditation.
I jump with joy into icy waters, roll in the snow, and run in subfreezing temperatures. I open my sweat valves using 180 degrees Fahrenheit heat in the sauna. This improves cardiovascular health and brain function and increases lifespan — unless I get hit by a car tomorrow.
Take the Keys (To Happiness) and Open the Door
I’m not a wise sage nor have I “made it.” I can be miserable and still suffer on the regular — just ask my partner, though she’s quite introverted, so maybe send her an email. However, I learn and continue to grow. As a result, my life is better now than five or 10 years ago.
Each time I see my therapist, I strive to leave with at least one simple piece of wisdom or small actionable step — a golden nugget. Here are my meatless, health nuggets. May you take, eat, and enjoy!
6 “Health Nuggets” for Better Health and Happiness
1. Face Trauma and Sludge Through It
Our trauma affects daily health, though we are sometimes unaware of these effects. And sometimes, what we are aware of, we choose not to do anything about it.
If you’re willing to face your trauma, talk therapy is a helpful tool to process trauma and gain valuable tools to better help navigate life’s rough waters. I have gone to talk therapy off and on for over 20 years — ever since my mom forced me to see Mr. Gebo, the middle school counselor. Beforehand, I threw my mattress, punched the wall, screamed, and cried. He, along with his burly mustache, was the first outside of my family with whom I shared my household’s chaos. Afterward, I felt lighter and freer.
After 8 years of struggle post-first marriage, I’m just starting to taste the fruit of my trauma work. In short, it’s difficult and takes time.
2. Be Here Now and Let Go
If you are unfamiliar, check out Buddhist psychology, meditation, and mindfulness. (I still don’t know how to use Google, but you’ve taken a class, right?) Read the works of people like Jack Kornfield, Pema Chödrön, Ram Das, and Sharon Salzberg. These folks have helped me learn — at times — how to break free from suffering and become happier with myself and others.
3. Expose Yourself
Gain resilience by exposing yourself to the elements and (extreme) temperatures. Go slow, be safe, and practice the buddy system. (Lars from Heavyweights knows what I’m talking about.)
Saunas, mid-afternoon summer runs, hot-as-you-can-handle baths. Snow walking, cold showers, ice baths. Anything that shocks and then strengthens your system.
Research best practices for heat and cold exposure and listen to your body.
As little as 5–10 minutes of morning sunlight can rid the body of melatonin and help release cortisol and serotonin. This helps the brain and body to feel alert. I do the same when the sun sets. This produces melatonin to help travel to the mysterious dreamlands.
Being in nature lowers blood pressure, heart rate, and stress hormones, decreases inflammation, and boosts immunity. In his book Be More Human, Tony Riddle mentions a study in Denmark that revealed children who grow up in greener spaces have up to 55% less risk of developing certain mental disorders later in life.
4. Sleep Serious
Sleep is serious. I joked around with the bed for most of my life. Undisciplined is the best word. As a result, I didn’t sleep enough. In high school, I didn’t do drugs, yet many who didn’t know me well thought I was high or drunk. I believe part of that was from my personality, while the other was from sleep deprivation.
After experiencing the rich and rested life, I don’t want to go back. I’m now aware that one poor night’s sleep can easily send me on a depressive episode for two or three days.
It’s serious, and, at 36 years old, I’m no longer playing around — most of the time.
5. Breathe
Simple breathwork techniques have helped to change my mental state. If my sympathetic nervous system — or the fight, flight, freeze response — is activated and I need to calm down, I breathe slowly through my nose or set a timer every 15 minutes to do one empty-lung breath hold. Exhaled humming improves circulation and increases nitric oxide, which fights disease and inflammation. This activates the parasympathetic nervous system — also known as rest and digest — which allows me to switch from a heightened, anxious state to operate in a calmer, more grounded one.
Check out Patrick McKeown of Oxygen Advantage and Buteyko, Brian McKenzie, SOMA Breath, Pranayama, Jesse Coomer, and Wim Hof — to name a few.
6. Ground Is the New Sofa
When possible, I stopped sitting on “comfy” couches. Besides taking a nap, most sofas are more uncomfortable to me than a hardwood floor, or better yet, a forest floor of pine needles.
If you’re unfamiliar, research ground-resting positions, or just watch little kids. They grace the floor with poise and a playful demeanor.
Like many, the Hadza tribe in Tanzania sometimes sit for up to 10 hours a day. However, they practice ground-resting positions while sitting.
Practicing these positions mobilize and activate the body and mind. With practice, these postures can change from feeling uncomfortable and almost impossible — like a deep squat — to actual rest.
These frameworks can help rewire our brains and bodies. We can learn how to live more at peace with ourselves and other living beings.
¡Pa’lante! (Keep Going!)
This has been my journey since 2016. I can’t and won’t stop because my life and others depend on it.
I wish you the best on your journey. If we’re taking it paso por paso (step by step), we’re doing it.
All the peace, power, freedom, and happiness!
…
“Can you resonate with my story?
Let’s connect on LinkedIn or my website.”
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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