I was holding 4 big sheets of paper in my right hand. 4(!) written pieces of paper full of things I hated about my ex and couldn’t tolerate anymore. I brought them up during our first real fight.
Thinking back, I feel extremely stupid and ashamed. How could I even date somebody who had so many qualities that weren’t acceptable for me?
To avoid this, it’s crucial to know what you want and don’t want in a partner before you date again. It is extremely hard to think rationally once feelings get involved — and that is where a fall-back list of your standards comes in handy.
“If you don’t stand for something you will fall for anything.” — Malcolm X
The following is an adaption of a dating checklist taken from the book “Getting Back Out There”. If you commit and stick to it, you will never again find yourself dating somebody who doesn’t deserve you.
. . .
Step 1: The “Me” Side
The “Me” side serves as the basis for your “No-Go’s” (see next step) and won’t be an actual part of your final dating checklist.
It includes past relationship mistakes you don’t want to repeat. It should be written from an “I” perspective of what you kept up with but should not have from a current perspective.
For example, if you used to date “project people” and realized you cannot endure them anymore, make sure to put that on your list. Other examples could be: “I always date people who are still committed to somebody else” or “I always date people who get attached extremely fast”.
How to get there:
- Think about your past relationships: What are common bad traits your exes had that you (secretly) didn’t like? When you had a fight, what was it about?
- Think about the times when you should have set a boundary but didn’t. What were those boundaries that you let get violated?
- If you never dated someone before or are simply stuck, repeat the questions with your 3 closest friends instead.
Step 2: Your No-Go’s
Often, we don’t know what exactly we want in a partner and that’s okay. If you start by knowing what you don’t want, the biggest hurdle is already overcome.
Your No-Go list includes behavior that is unacceptable in a partner and will make your dating life much easier. It prevents those from entering your door who are incompatible with you and will save you a lot of precious time.
How to get there:
- Look at your “Me” list and reflect upon how you could transform that into a No-Go in a partner. For instance, if you used to date people that were committed to somebody else that could equal to “emotionally unavailable”. If you always date people who take drugs, that could result in “addicts”.
- Think about any other red flags that you ignored early on.
- Include everything that wasn’t a problem before but is something you simply don’t want in a potential partner anymore. If you used to date investment bankers and are done with that, write “investment bankers”.
- Think about your parents: what traits do they have that you don’t like?
- Reflect upon any other No-Go that you may have never encountered in a relationship before.
Step 3: Your Must-Haves
If you could choose any partner, what qualities, values, and traits would they embody?
Imagine your potential partner as a real-life Lego human and you are picking the Lego bricks to build them with.
Note: The more specific your Must-Haves are, the smaller the pool of potential partners get. If you desire someone who has exactly 5 tattoos on their left arm and 3 cats, it might become very difficult to find that. It is your list so whatever goes on it is fine, but have that limitation in mind.
How to get there:
- Write down everything in your past partners that you valued and absolutely want again.
- What common interests should your potential partner share?
- Think about your own core values and personality traits. Which of those do you wish to see in your partner, too?
- Look at the relationships around you that inspire you. That could be a befriended couple and/or your parents. What do they embody that you want to have, too?
- Write down everything else that is a Must-Have for you that is not yet included.
Step 4: What’s Negotiable?
It is important to have high standards as your foundation. However, No-Go’s and Must-Haves are both extremes, and this is where your “negotiables” come into place.
Look at your 2 finished lists — “No-Go’s” and “Must-Haves” — and think about the following question:
If everything else about the other person matched your lists, what trait(s) could you keep up with?
It is about knowing what positive or negative qualities are negotiable if you met the most wonderful person on earth. For every item on your list that falls into this category, write “negotiable” next to it.
Of course, No-Go’s like “being abusive” are non-negotiable in any possible scenario. However, if you hate forgetful people but meet your otherwise “perfect match” that is extremely forgetful, you might want to think about dropping it.
When putting together a ‘dating checklist’, we must always leave room for fluidity, because life is certainly not perfect, and love always presents itself in the least predictable ways.
— Britanny Burr, relationship expert
Here’s the rule of thumb: Your Must-Haves should be more flexible than your No-Go’s. Be honest with yourself — only you know best if certain dealbreakers should really be negotiable or would only make your life harder in the long term.
Step 5: Working With The Dating Checklist
You now have a complete list comprising of everything that you are (not) looking for in a partner. If you are a visual person, feel free to transform your list into a collage or on a whiteboard. Consult it before you go on a date to remind yourself of your standards and after — to check, if the person meets up to them.
How to proceed after a date:
- Does your date hit anything on your No-Go list that is non-negotiable? If yes, say bye and move on.
- If the person doesn’t have any dealbreakers and non-negotiable Must-Haves — great, feel free to get to know them better.
- If your date hits some “negotiable” items, you have to decide if their other qualities are that great that you want to proceed to get to know them.
I know this sounds extremely rational, but it’s the only way to stay focused once feelings and your need for affection get involved. It might be hard to reject someone right away, but you will avoid a lot of future pain.
. . .
If you don’t know what your standards are, you will keep up with less than you deserve. You will negotiate with yourself and use excuses such as “I know he/she is very _______ (insert bad quality), but I just like him/her so much.”
Don’t lower your standards and stay true to yourself. It is worth waiting a little longer for your “perfect match” than having to endure many more unfulfilling relationships for the next years.
Remember: it is always better to be in no relationship than in a bad one.
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This post was previously published on Hello, Love.
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