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Have you ever found yourself dating someone, knowing that there’s a lot right with them, but still plagued by a nagging thought in the back of your mind about whether you’re going to be happy with this person long-term?
How do you deal with the doubts you have about a person? Should you continue to move to the next stage of the relationship with them? Or is it too big a risk?
Do you just ignore your feelings and keep going, or pay attention to that doubt and leave?
You don’t have to resort to either of these two drastic options.
In this video, I show you an in-between strategy that allows you to find out for sure if your relationship can work, without risking too much of your energy and precious time . . .
Often when we call it quits too soon, we’re left with that horrible feeling of wondering whether it could have worked with someone. I don’t want you to be left wondering; I want you to have answers.
(And be sure to watch to the very end, because the cameras were still rolling and caught the TRUE NATURE of my brother Stephen bullying me relentlessly . . . let me know whose side you come down on . . . as long as it’s mine.)
Transcript provided by YouTube:
00:00
[Music]
00:03
so
00:04
matthew i got a question in from
00:07
jessica can i just say steve you haven’t
00:09
i’m wearing a nice
00:11
i’m wearing a nice plaid
00:14
shirt today which admittedly is more of
00:17
a full
00:18
sort of set of colors than leading into
00:21
summer
00:22
but you haven’t said a word about it and
00:25
i know people listening can’t see that
00:27
but
00:27
still you haven’t even you didn’t even
00:29
acknowledge it before we went live
00:31
on the podcast and i tried this is me
00:34
this is me
00:35
i’m at home right now this is me making
00:37
an effort i didn’t
00:38
this isn’t i didn’t get dressed to go
00:40
somewhere
00:41
i got dressed for you i was in my
00:43
pyjamas
00:44
five minutes before jeremy i’ll tell you
00:47
i was in my pajamas mate when jeremy
00:49
showed up
00:50
i was in a baggy pajama show it’s got
00:52
holes in it i went and got a coffee
00:53
steve
00:55
in my pajamas before getting dressed for
00:59
you
00:59
that means that i didn’t get dressed for
01:02
the world
01:03
i went out in literally steve it was a
01:06
baggy shirt
01:07
ten times too big for me with holes in
01:10
it
01:10
and and and pajama bottoms they’re not
01:13
they
01:13
couldn’t even pass as sweatpants that
01:16
you’d wear to the gym
01:17
they’re quite clearly things that you
01:19
should only wear
01:20
in and around the bed but that’s how
01:23
people dress in
01:25
that’s that’s the thing isn’t it
01:29
when you just when you go out to get a
01:30
coffee you have to look like
01:32
celebrity on a day off where it’s like
01:34
there’s holes in everything
01:36
no i’ve got my cat over my eyes and i
01:38
just want to grab
01:39
grab a smoothie in a breakfast bunny
01:42
bowl
01:42
and head home let me correct you because
01:45
uh
01:47
the people you’re seeing going in and
01:49
out of those coffee shops in l.a
01:51
i guarantee you there isn’t a hole in
01:53
their clothing that’s
01:54
not bought and paid for
01:58
they are meant to be there those holes
02:00
fair enough
02:01
well your little jacket looks your
02:02
little little spring shirt
02:05
it’s very um light for you like you
02:08
don’t usually wear such bright
02:09
sun reflective colors and it looks like
02:12
you look like a sweet boy someone would
02:15
take home to mum
02:16
like their parents and their parents
02:18
would think oh he’s a well turned out
02:20
you know he’s well turned out fine young
02:22
man that’s the vibe you’ve gone for
02:25
well uh don 28 on instagram is actually
02:28
saying can we stay on topic
02:30
which i think is my fault for taking us
02:32
out of it so steve sorry
02:33
you had a question for me today we have
02:36
a question
02:37
from jessica who says hi
02:40
matt and steve i’d like your input on
02:42
some strange feelings that i’ve been
02:44
having
02:44
that i’m not really sure what to do with
02:47
your shirt matthew makes me feel no i’m
02:49
joking
02:50
um i met my boyfriend last year after i
02:54
moved back home
02:55
due to covid it’s pretty clear we’re a
02:57
match and i’ve been so impressed with
02:59
him and the way he treats me
03:01
here’s the thing he asked me to move in
03:04
which i eventually know will happen
03:06
but because of the pandemic we live home
03:08
with our parents right now
03:09
his mum insists on cooking and cleaning
03:13
he takes full advantage of this even
03:15
though he may want to cook and clean for
03:17
himself
03:17
because she makes it difficult to help
03:19
her
03:21
i feel like i need to see what he’d be
03:23
like without
03:24
his mother cooking and cleaning for him
03:27
because there’s been a few times when i
03:28
cooked for him and he didn’t seem
03:30
appreciative at all
03:31
and i had to remind him i did something
03:32
special for him
03:34
i don’t know how it’s possible for me to
03:36
see this through
03:37
because in order for us to move in
03:39
together he’s basically building a house
03:42
i think our values in this area may be
03:44
too different because
03:46
i was raised without anyone cooking or
03:48
cleaning for me
03:49
so she basically says i’ve talked to him
03:51
about this he’s aware of how i feel but
03:53
i’m not exactly sure what to do
03:55
or what else even needs to be talked
03:57
about uh
03:58
any insights you have would be greatly
04:00
appreciated
04:02
was this from did i who is this from
04:04
this is from jessica
04:05
i think that comes down it comes down to
04:08
the crux of
04:08
someone has different values from you
04:12
they treat their home cooking cleaning
04:15
in a different way than you do and she
04:17
feels like
04:18
it hasn’t really been tested to see what
04:21
he does
04:22
and is he gonna just let her do all of
04:25
that like he did his mum well
04:28
i see i agree
04:31
that on one level this question is about
04:35
values but
04:38
on another level this question is really
04:41
about relationships
04:44
that jump to a stage where two people
04:49
don’t have all the information that they
04:52
might
04:53
want or need in order to move to that
04:54
stage
04:56
right we don’t know if they have
04:58
different values yet
05:00
because as she rightly points out she
05:02
hasn’t seen him in that environment
05:05
you know she he might be far better than
05:08
she thinks he’ll be
05:09
once he’s in that environment we’ve all
05:11
had that experience of you know you’re
05:12
sort of
05:13
there’s a an apathy
05:17
perhaps a little bit of an ignorance
05:19
sometimes that comes from
05:21
a family situation where you take things
05:23
for granted and then
05:25
you’re quite a different person when you
05:26
move out on your own it you know it
05:28
brings out a different side to you
05:30
he might be worse than she thinks he’s
05:33
going to be might be
05:34
you know an entitled coddled
05:38
little nightmare a little lord fault
05:40
leroy
05:41
when she gets him on his own so
05:45
we don’t know that yet that’s the point
05:47
how long have they been seeing each
05:48
other
05:49
she says she met him last year
05:53
after she moved back home due to covid
05:55
right
05:56
so look obviously there’s been a lot of
05:59
people who met during covid and then
06:01
kind of
06:02
ended up moving in together just because
06:04
it was either that or don’t see each
06:05
other
06:07
and so they were thrown into these
06:08
situations where it was an unnatural
06:11
rate of progress for a relationship
06:14
to some extent you you might
06:18
say this is this is fast right they met
06:21
last year
06:22
they’ve only experienced living at home
06:23
with his parents
06:26
and she doesn’t know what he’ll be like
06:29
outside of that in a normal situation
06:33
she would have her own place and he
06:35
would have his own place and they would
06:37
see how it evolved from there right you
06:39
spend a couple of nights at each other’s
06:41
you see how that person is when they’re
06:43
in your space do they pick up after
06:45
themselves
06:46
do they help you make the bed in the
06:47
morning are they
06:49
you know are they a good teammate in
06:51
your environment
06:52
and what do they expect of you when
06:54
you’re in theirs
06:55
and from there you can start to
06:59
figure out whether living together feels
07:01
right
07:02
you know you graduate from two nights a
07:03
week to three nights a week before you
07:05
know it
07:06
they’ve got a toothbrush at your house
07:07
you’ve got one at theirs
07:09
you know you don’t have to pack a bag as
07:11
much so
07:12
you it starts to graduate in organic
07:15
ways
07:16
what she’s really worried about is that
07:18
this can’t progress right now
07:20
or doesn’t seem to be able to progress
07:21
in an organic way
07:23
so one way to look at that is to say if
07:28
for first you could say okay let’s let’s
07:30
have it progress in a more in a more
07:32
organic way
07:33
i’ll get my own place you get yours and
07:37
we’ll see how that plays out or at least
07:39
one of us gets our own place and you can
07:41
still go back to your parents some
07:42
nights
07:43
and come stay at mine some other nights
07:44
that’s more organic
07:46
now it may be that behind this is a kind
07:48
of financial situation
07:50
plus maybe some hurt feelings if they
07:51
don’t decide as the next step to move in
07:53
together
07:55
but there might be some financial
07:56
reasons why they’re talking about moving
07:58
in together from this place that they’re
08:00
in right now
08:01
if you’re going to move at a pace that’s
08:04
not organic
08:05
then you should at least have some
08:07
pressure relieving conversations
08:09
so don’t sign a two-year lease
08:13
maybe don’t even sign a one-year lease
08:15
sign a six-month lease
08:17
and be like look why don’t we just try
08:19
it no one’s holding anyone to anything
08:20
right now
08:22
you know it’s not that we don’t go back
08:24
to living separately after this
08:26
why don’t we just give it a try for for
08:27
a few months and just see how we get on
08:30
like my preference if finances weren’t
08:32
weren’t an
08:33
uh uh a problem at all i would say to
08:37
them go rent an airbnb for a month
08:40
like don’t even don’t even go straight
08:42
into a lease
08:44
literally rent an airbnb go go
08:47
live somewhere for 30 days together and
08:51
just say like
08:52
you don’t have to say let’s do this
08:54
because i don’t know
08:56
how much of a nightmare you’re going to
08:57
be just yet and i want to test
09:00
you just say look we’ve not done this
09:02
before
09:03
it’s exciting but we also haven’t had a
09:06
chance to have our own space before so
09:09
why don’t we just like rent a place for
09:11
30 days go rent it for a month
09:14
and just see you know like let’s let’s
09:17
have some fun with it like
09:18
and you can even picture as like let’s
09:20
enjoy the novelty of it a little more
09:23
like you know because maybe we want to
09:26
live here for this month and try
09:28
somewhere different for another month
09:30
somewhere a bit further out of town or
09:31
whatever like let’s not throw ourselves
09:33
into this right now let’s
09:35
let’s get a space together and have some
09:37
fun with that
09:39
and see what we want to do at the end of
09:40
that period or if you want to do it for
09:42
two months do it for two months but
09:44
i would be a fan of like i’m a big fan
09:46
of the mini
09:48
experiment it’s the same to me as if you
09:51
move country
09:52
if you anyone who says i want to go and
09:54
live in italy
09:55
go try it for a month like don’t
09:59
the idea of like up ending i’m going to
10:01
sell my home and go
10:02
go move to italy because i have some
10:04
idea in my mind of
10:05
the fantasy of being in italy
10:08
go be there for a month like rent a
10:12
place for a month
10:13
yes it’s going to cost a little more to
10:15
rent a place for a month but
10:16
it’s a lot less expensive than going and
10:19
buying a house or going and signing a
10:22
12-month lease for something that two
10:23
months in you realize was a horrific
10:25
mistake
10:27
yeah you want some ways of pulling the
10:28
parachute on an idea especially the
10:31
bigger the plan
10:32
the bigger the change have more
10:35
measures in place so that you can pull
10:37
back if
10:38
it doesn’t if you roll the dice and it
10:40
comes up a one or a two be like
10:42
okay we’ve got a plan b for this yeah
10:45
you can take more serious steps
10:48
but have lighter conversations about
10:51
them
10:53
i’ll repeat that because i think it’s
10:54
very important you because it’s
10:56
important for anyone listening to this
10:58
right now at any stage of a relationship
11:01
serious steps don’t need to come all the
11:04
time with really heavy conversations
11:07
you can say to someone hey look no one’s
11:10
signing a contract in blood here
11:15
we we are really having a good time
11:17
together
11:18
this seems to be like growing and
11:21
it’s it’s you know like i think what we
11:24
have is really great
11:26
and if you agree then i think it would
11:28
be fun to
11:29
to do this next thing but
11:32
you know no one’s doing anything that
11:34
they can’t leave
11:37
like if if you decide that it’s too much
11:39
for you or if i decide it’s too much for
11:41
me that could happen
11:42
anytime that’s real life
11:45
right if we think like if if one of us
11:47
feels like it’s not right
11:49
at any time we can leave
11:52
that’s the reality of it by the way
11:53
whether you acknowledge that or not it’s
11:55
the truth
11:58
so sometimes by acknowledging it by
12:01
talking about it like
12:02
it’s okay if someone changes their mind
12:04
but
12:06
if we’re not like giving it a go
12:09
then what’s the point i’m now into a
12:10
different conversation because it’s
12:11
really about how to progress a little
12:13
bit and commitment but
12:14
but that is kind of the same thing right
12:17
it’s it’s both the route to more
12:20
commitment
12:21
sometimes if you want more commitment
12:23
but it’s also the route to more
12:25
measured commitment if you’re concerned
12:28
about the next step if you want to dip
12:30
your toe in the water the conversation
12:32
is useful in both directions
12:34
because it’s a pressure valve
12:37
it’s a pressure valve and what she needs
12:39
right now is not
12:41
a crystal ball that tells her whether
12:44
he’s gonna be able to evolve away from
12:47
being the
12:48
the you know the adolescent who’s taken
12:51
care of by his mum who doesn’t say thank
12:53
you
12:54
outside of that situation instead of a
12:57
crystal ball
12:58
what she needs is uh a little a few
13:01
reference points
13:03
yeah you need more data it’s it’s too
13:06
much of a
13:07
you don’t know what he’ll be like in the
13:08
environment just with you
13:10
if it was a more clear-cut pattern where
13:11
you’re like this guy doesn’t have a job
13:13
he plays video games all day
13:15
and has no motivation should i move in
13:17
it’s like he’s not going to change
13:18
because he moves in with you but
13:20
here it you need data of what it’s like
13:22
living with you if
13:23
it’s just this one area where it’s like
13:26
how is it going to be dividing up the
13:28
responsibilities
13:30
let’s like give him some responsibility
13:32
and see see if
13:33
see how it goes but if you already have
13:35
doubts
13:36
then don’t sign a 12-month lease to move
13:39
in with someone
13:40
go live with someone for a month
13:41
somewhere pay a little extra
13:43
to live in an airbnb together other
13:47
ways of renting properties are available
13:49
um this isn’t
13:50
this isn’t an advertisement for airbnb
13:53
but go go rent a place together for a
13:54
month just do a short term
13:56
see how you get on and get some get some
13:59
data
14:00
and if that goes well you’ll have
14:02
evidence for why you might want to try
14:04
three months or six months and you can
14:07
build from there in an
14:08
organic way and you know
14:12
you gotta um you gotta show people the
14:14
behavior you want
14:16
uh but that’s conversation for another
14:18
time uh well
14:19
thank you very much everyone uh we will
14:23
see you on the next wonderful
14:26
wicked whipsaw episode of the love life
14:30
podcast i am stephen harsley he’s
14:31
matthew hassey go and subscribe to the
14:33
podcast on itunes spotify
14:35
all those platforms even stitcher yes
14:37
you and
14:39
we will see you next time
14:43
people over time have sort of thought oh
14:45
matt stop like digging at your brother
14:47
um i think what they’re coming to
14:49
realize
14:50
they’re coming to a point of increased
14:52
empathy with me where they’re realizing
14:54
they just hadn’t seen the dynamic enough
14:56
like they they thought i wore the
14:58
trousers in everything but
15:00
i think they’ve just seen who wears the
15:01
trousers you called the end of that
15:04
right that is horse mature my friend
15:07
and you sitting there in your little
15:09
dad’s shirt
15:10
oh see here here we go now the
15:14
real highlight oh here we go yeah now
15:16
you’re having a go at the shirt the real
15:18
the real steve comes out oh my my event
15:22
is i wore a new shirt today
15:23
can i have a prize here we go you know
15:26
i’m sitting here i’m bringing the
15:29
questions trying to help you
15:31
no come on let’s let’s see the real
15:34
steve
15:35
because everyone’s got this impression
15:36
that i’m like oh i come in all
15:38
controlling
15:39
and you’re like like leave your brother
15:41
alone matt i just
15:43
now you’re seeing it oh steve i wore a
15:45
shirt today for the blogger well i
15:47
bought you some questions matt that i’ve
15:48
fielded from social media and i’m
15:50
hosting it and recording it all right
15:52
okay and you’re going oh i’ve worn a
15:54
shirt
15:57
oh oh mr magnanimous here it goes
16:12
[Music]
16:19
you
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