Empathy 101
Let me share with you the number one tool in working with my amazing son who has autism.
Empathy.
It’s one of the things the from 50+ years of brain science from Harvard, and the work that Dr. Ablon, Dr. Perry, and Dr. Greene (and their teams) have found greatly helps those who struggle.
Empathy.
Stop. Listen.
You don’t have agree. You do need to make sure they know you understand.
Say back to them something that confirms you understand.
Say back to them something that validates their feelings.
That’s it.
Here’s what is happening in their brain (thanks to the brilliant work of the aforementioned experts who have CT Scans, MRIs and other hard science that shows this scientifically):
- they are experiencing some sort of trauma — this can be just waking up and being an autistic kid — not necessarily an outside trigger
- they are able to express themselves about this
- they are heard
- they feel understood
- they experience calm
- the trauma is minimized
- their brain experiences a new neural pathway to potentially use next time, and not have the trauma (or not as much)
So here’s an example:
(sometimes you can initiate via a question)
P: Hey buddy, looks like that was tough, what’s going on?
A: Jack and Colin are laughing at me and making fun of me. They don’t want to play with me.
P: Oh, that’s hard to feel like friends are laughing at you. Does that make you mad?
A: I just want to play with them like other kids.
P: Yes, that makes sense. You want to play with them.
A: Nobody wants to play with me.
P: Oh that’s really hard to feel like nobody wants to play with me. Do you feel all alone?
A: Not really, just sad.
P: Yeah, that makes sense pal, you just want to have fun, right?
A: Yes (hugs).
Okay, the above is not a perfect example — please improve upon it! Hopefully it provides you with some ideas though.
Please note that the “P” didn’t correct “A” that their friends aren’t laughing at them and they shouldn’t feel that way. Also notice some attempts at specific language to understand the underlying feelings. There was no change to action, suggestions to “get over it” or the like.
Also notice “P” did not try to solve “A”’s issue. There was no advice. While there was a hug at the end, this also was not sympathy — you are not feeling sorry for someone — you are hearing them at a deep level.
Again, this is far from a perfect example, but will perhaps give you an idea to start with — or remind you of. There is more to this process — and if you just do empathy, you will experience results just with that.
One of my instructors once said — “massive use of micro-doses of empathy make all the difference.” Lots of little sessions like this will make a great difference for kids with autism.
This approach does workfor every trauma-type issue, because the brain circuitry is the same — PTSD, anxiety, stress, depression.
You can learn more about this approach via Think:Kids, which has instruction and classes, as well as the book Changeable.
Other than using these tools, we have no direct relationship with these organizations — we just sharing tools that work.
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Previously published on medium
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Photo credit: Chris Reavis