Helping Young People Set Boundaries

The first time I came across a child who needed help in my neighborhood, I was walking my rough collie, Annie. Annie herself had been abused, and had been adopted by me at the age of 10 years old.

Most people will not adopt an older dog which I find misguided.

Annie had been abused — she’d had her tail cut off and had shrapnel in her hind quarters from where someone had shot her.

Despite this, she was a sweet and truly empathic dog. She needed someone to love and care for her, and I was happy to do it. Plus she was already house trained and leash trained. I was able to focus on helping her feel more confident and provide therapeutic care.

She herself was a very empathic dog.

When she saw the teenaged girl crying, she made a beeline for her.

So I introduced ourselves. She bent down and just hugged and cried on Annie while I stood by protectively.

“Do you need anything?” I asked when she finally stood up, wondering if I needed to call the cops.

She wanted to come over I asked if she could call or bring a parent. “I want you to feel safe, but it’s important your parents know where you are.” She told me she was afraid of her father but her grandparents were a safe place.

So I told her that we could call them if necessary.

After that night, she came over several times. I made it clear to her, however, that there were hard boundaries.

“I am a busy person,” I said. “If you feel in danger, I can give you a safe place where your grandparents can pick you up. If you are hungry, I have snacks but you need to let me know if you have any food allergies. You need to realize that I have boundaries you need to respect, just like I will respect yours.”

When I set limits with her, it made her feel safer too, and when she violated my rules I set consequences, something other adults in her life did not do.

The result? We had a healthy relationship and we are still friends over a decade later.

Over the course of my life, I have mentored many people younger than myself. I don’t set out to do it, but it does seem to happen.

When I was in grad school, I mentored undergrads in my lab in a professional setting. I helped them set up experiments and explore areas of research. Of course we’d also go out for drinks once in a while and we’d shoot the breeze.

However, I’ve also been there for people in trouble.

I think it’s because I am not judgmental. If someone is in pain, I try to help but make sure my own boundaries are solid.

Because of this, I often suggest professional help for people in trouble. So I have taken a teenager to Al-anon and told her “you need to find professional counseling as well as groups such as this to do the actual work you need.”

I’ve introduced people to my pastor as well, and also those professionally trained by the local Stephen Ministry.

I understand that I have limits.

So, when a young adult in my neighborhood wanted to chat with me recently after taking my Mom shopping, of course I invited him in for tea. He needed someone to talk to — that was easy for me. We’d been friends for over a decade and I knew his family well. He felt safe with me. But he didn’t need professional counseling.

If he had, I would have suggested he find someone, and I had the names and numbers of local agencies that provide discounted counseling services. I had used one of these myself after my divorce.

Because while friendships are important and an important component of the fabric of community, there are also times when more is needed. And it’s important to not set limits when it comes to good mental and emotional health.

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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.

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