Give to others, before yourself was a mantra in my family’s home. Give until you can’t give anymore, and if you take time for yourself, well, you better not. That’s called selfish. And so, we go through life accommodating everyone who demands something from us, and their needs are placed first. Eventually, you start to feel like others are taking advantage of you.
The unspoken demands create an illusion of reciprocation. The unmet expectations derail us at the same time; you worry that others will be upset if you refuse a request. The predicament is uncomfortable.
While the act of giving to others builds your connection to humanity, too much of a good thing still reeks of unhealthy boundaries and a lack of self-care. Managing your personal power builds a healthier mindset and by doing so, your body will strengthen. However, if you neglect the healthy management of your personal power, your body will burn out.
This is precisely where I find myself, a young 52 year old who just had a major AFIB last Wednesday without any warning whatsoever. They had to reboot my heart, so I was essentially put into a deep sleep, my heart was shocked, and I was brought back.
No heart attack, but let me tell you, the fear was real. I am learning I cannot take care of everyone at the expense of myself, nor can I do as much as I want to do, at the expense of myself. Here are some valuable tools to remind you to self-care and become assertive without losing your giving nature. The tools helped me recognize what I need to do to shift.
Since I learned there’s a limit to how accommodating one can be without harming yourself, I decided to search for all the ways we can begin to see where we are not assertive enough. It’s time to take back some power for ourselves and return to health.
Healthy boundaries help give your needs the priority they deserve. By developing a strong sense of assertiveness, you’ll maintain stronger mental health and balanced life.
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Could you get better results by becoming more assertive? Watch for these signs, which demonstrate a lack of assertiveness:
1. To Say No Feels Wrong
While saying yes helps you get motivated and part of the adventure of living, when you lack assertiveness, you’ll say yes more than you deeply want to.
The victim mindset takes over after we have not been rewarded or have support in return. We feel like this, often, because we have been pushed into doing things you don’t want to do.
If we have weak assertiveness skills, we feel like we are pushed into action for others at the drop of a hat. Soon, our frustration comes on quickly, and we become agitated at others for asking. Instead, we later learn our problem stems from the inability to say a simple sentence, “No.”
Sometimes, it pays to sit down and consider every “yes” you answered and if the activity or project was more than you had available in personal resourcefulness. Use your voice and freedom of choice to refuse requests, which drain you.
If something conflicts with your plans, and you are struggling to say no, consider how you will feel if you say no versus if you say yes to your plan. Remember, no one can agree to everything. It’s okay to consider what is best for you.
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2. You fear rejection.
You can counter the fear of rejection by working on your self-confidence. Rejection’s best friend is the ego. Remember, you will not please everyone, all of the time. If someone chooses to reject you they have something inside of them which doesn’t belong in your circle. See it as a blessing or a natural purge. The less you worry about rejection, the more assertive you’ll become. Ultimately, this is the primary reason most people aren’t assertive.
The fear of rejection is among the strongest acquired fears. Nicole Barabo, Ph.D. (2021), suggested the following thought when rejection and relationships take a turn toward domestic violence.
The inability to allow disengagement from your partner or to gather cues of healthy space creates problems beyond feeling like a victim. It demonstrates we have to learn to let go of what others think so we can function to the best of our ability.
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3. Your needs are consistently unmet.
We mature as we take responsibility for meeting personal needs. No one will ever fill the shoes of knowledge about ourselves nearly as close as we can. So, why then do we insist on others to meet our needs?
The expectations for the unmet needs exceed a healthy mindset. When we do not discuss what we need, we will recoil in bitterness when others do not respond the way we want. Unspoken requests cannot be met.
Constantly wishing others will see our needs and attend to them, while not actually letting people know what our needs are, is what we call the syndrome of wishful thinking. We can wish all day for people to rise up and look out for our greater good, and unfortunately, we will be disappointed time and again. When you’re too accommodating, people lose respect for you. Subsequently, they have little concern for your needs.
What are some needs you have let slide, which matter to you? Find ways to begin or continue to meet your needs. Develop strategies to ensure your needs are met before you give any energy away. If in the process of learning assertiveness, others join in to help, so much the better.
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4. Accepting responsibility is challenging for you.
Let’s do this or that tomorrow… Procrastination is the name of the struggle to take responsibility. A lack of assertiveness increases your fear to tackle challenging experiences. Ask yourself a valuable self-reflective question: Can you accept both constructive criticism and compliments? If the answer is no, you may lack assertive skills.
Explore ways to enhance your self-confidence. effective ways to increase your ability to accept responsibility. The result is a greater ability to be assertive.
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5. You avoid conflict at all costs.
Conflict exists on a continuum. Each person experience conflict in relation to their perception. Each perception dictates how one faces a conflict. Some are easy to tackle: Where will we go to eat? Versus the tougher conflicts, “Why is my health failing? We forget to help each other stay on our exercise routine?”
What about the people who mistreat you? First, if they are abusive, please seek help or someone to talk to, because in reality, to be assertive in an abusive relationship can be dangerous.
For the workplace or the relationships without abuse, we need to ask ourselves the questions about unwillingness to confront others. Would you rather have peace regardless of the sacrifice? Do you retreat because you fear conflict?
Remember, conflict is a normal part of human interaction. The sooner we can expect conflict from time to time the easier it will be to let go of the control. To reach a place where you face the growing harmony and determination during a conflict is powerful. Once we learn to embrace conflict and appreciate what it can accomplish we can move forward.
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6. Saying “I’m sorry” more than necessary.
An appropriate apology cannot be dismissed; it is appreciated and needed. However, what if your go-to strategy is to apologize for everything, even things you don’t need to own?
I get stuck in the “I’m sorry” moments. I feel upset, so I start crying, “I am sorry for crying” or if I am angry, “I am sorry I’m mad” or maybe someone got hurt, they tripped over a carpet, and out of my mouth? Yes, you got it: “I am sorry I didn’t move the carpet” as I can actually prevent someone else’s missteps.
- Stop the constant apologizing.
- Accept a zero reason to over-apologize.
- The next time you are about to say “I’m sorry, stop, and ask yourself if you are really to blame…
- Try this: “I feel upset when…”
- Instead of stressing about interrupting people to get attention to something essential and saying I’m sorry to bother you, but…come out and say, “I have an important message to share, can I speak for a moment?”
As I look at this topic, I realize I need to give the next challenge a true attempt: Go one entire day without saying the 2-word phrase. Check the challenge! Notice the emotions rising when you stop the prattle in our minds. Keep track of how many times you had to resist an apology.
We often think about diet challenges, coffee reduction challenges, and exercise challenges. How about a challenge that improves our communication and assertiveness? I am game.
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7. You hesitate to share an opinion.
To stall when offered a choice in location for dinner could indicate a lack of assertiveness. For instance, when friends want to go out and hang, do you ever choose the location or the activity?
Have you let others know what you think about somewhere they want to go, but you don’t enjoy it? Once you take a look inside, you’ll notice you do have an opinion on everything, even if it’s a mild pass-over thought. Sometimes, the mild preference isn’t a big deal to mention, and other times, you’ll want to speak up.
Sometimes, we do need to hold our peace and refuse to add to another situation. Mindfully approach the scene with wisdom. Educate yourself on when to speak up and when to settle down. Often, you’d be amazed at the changes in yourself when we begin to assert yourself, and when to remain silent on a subject.
Your thoughts matter on different subjects. Don’t let a lack of assertiveness destroy the potential of an adventure.
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Healthy boundaries help give your needs the priority they deserve. By developing a strong sense of assertiveness, you’ll maintain stronger mental health and a balanced life.
Assertiveness means sharing your thoughts and opinions. You create space in your life to be a priority. You’ll develop stronger boundaries in the process. A keen sense of connection with others shows up when they know what you do or do not enjoy. The view of yourself, your self-confidence, and your life will suffer without a healthy balance of assertiveness.
Many experience a boost to self-confidence. You might find stronger connections with friends and family. People who don’t matter in the big picture will fade away while you get to develop bonds with those who appreciate your assertiveness. Your peers at work or school will also benefit from your newfound assertiveness.
~Just a thought by Pamela
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References:
Anderson, C., Moore,D., Kennedy, J., & Brion, S. (2012). A status-enhancement account of overconfidence. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, Vol. 103(4), 718 –735.
Barbaro, N. M. (2021). The associations between attachment orientations and intimate partner violence perpetration and victimization: An individual, dyadic, and behavior genetic approach. Dissertation Abstracts International: Section B: The Sciences and Engineering, 82(2-B).
Kim P.H., et al. (2014). Justifying one’s transgressions: How rationalizations based on equity, equality, and need affect trust after its violation. DOI: 10.1037/xap0000030
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This post was previously published on Live Your Life On Purpose.
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