Not too long ago, a study polled 64,000 women from all walks of life and nationalities. The purpose of the study was to find their ideal preferences in men. The survey comprised questions on attractiveness, height, income, and religion. The results were nothing short of interesting.
Now, most guys would assume that attractiveness would top the metrics for what most women look for in a partner. Considering we as guys tend to be more visually oriented when it comes to attraction, it’s easy to assume women would be similar. But according to the study, the number one thing 90% of women preferred in their ideal mate was kindness. Followed closely by supportiveness at 86%.
The results of the study left me scratching my head in confusion. Not because I don’t believe kindness is something women seek. It’s more to do with all the fuss everyone made of the survey results. People behaved like some big magical revelation about the nature of women had been made. I could argue men value kindness and supportiveness too, and I don’t need a large-scale survey to find out. Everyone values these aforementioned traits no matter what race, nationality, or religious affiliation.
The worst part is how some women and men are using this study as proof that men are wrong in assuming women are naturally drawn to attributes such as height, status, and looks. However, that’s not to say the latter crowd is wholly correct in their interpretations. I believe both sides are wrong.
A similar thing happened when OkCupid released a study that stated 80% of the women surveyed on their platform found 20% of the men attractive. Since then, many men have used the study as proof that women are hypergamous and attracted only to a select few. All it takes is a short stroll around any high street to figure out how untrue such a statement is. OkCupid has since taken down the study, but the damage is already done.
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Preferences Are Subjective
A guy who thinks looks and status are be-all-end-all on what’s needed to attract a partner shows me two things. Either he has limited experience with dating and dealing with women, thus views gender dynamics through a simplistic narrow lens detached from reality. Or, he has been rejected one too many times by women and resorted to toxic male online spaces like the redpill/incels to find answers.
The bottom line is all these dating preferences are only as important as what the person you are trying to woo prefers. People tend to gravitate and date people who they match socially, physically, and emotionally.
On the other hand, telling guys that kindness and supportiveness are the only qualities you need in securing a romantic partner is disingenuous. Any man who has even limited experience and success in courting women knows this is not true. It’s drawing false conclusions from the data. Just because 90% of women value kindness, does not mean that’s the sole quality that will attract and maintain attraction in a relationship.
Using a survey such as this to figure out what you need to do when dating will surely leave you disappointed and frustrated. Yes, it’s good to be kind. But you shouldn’t be kind just for the sake of attracting women. You should be kind because that is a good thing to do. Kindness, however necessary, does not equal attraction. There are plenty of kind supportive men out there who are regulated to the friend zone.
We are all familiar with the nice guy, bad boy archetypes. The nice guy is courteous, friendly agreeable, and kind. While the bad boy often holds antithetical values. Yet, it seems it’s the bad boys women seem most drawn to. Unlike the proverbial nice guy, his goodheartedness did little in building attraction with the women he desires.
Human behavior is complex, with lots of variation. You cannot break it down into a simple survey. Bear in mind, surveys are notoriously ineffective at figuring out what people truly desire. It’s common for people to misrepresent themselves and give answers they feel are right, but not necessarily true. Talk is cheap, and anyone can say anything, the truth often lies in what they do in the real world.
So are kindness and supportiveness important characteristics to have in relationships?
Absolutely. But, so is having other characteristics such as confidence, good listening skills, and emotional awareness. You can’t have one without the other. Think of it like a finely tuned engine, one component is no more important than the other.
Physical attributes such as looks and status are also important, but not in the way most people would think. Good-looking people, for example, tend to attract other good-looking people, with average attracting other average people. The same goes for social or financial status. People tend to match with people who are similar to them.
As for height, well I suppose, women generally prefer taller men. However, tallness is subjective. What a person considers tall varies from person to person and what part of the world they come from. And even then, it’s possible to find many women who do not care about height, especially when they place a higher value on other attributes.
Surveys and research studies are important, I’m not disputing that. They are an excellent way to collect data on what people feel and think. Researchers can build a snapshot of people’s experiences, which can be used to form social comparisons and add to a better understanding of people.
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Closing Words
When it comes to studying human behavior, nothing beats real-world experience. By socializing, interacting, and dating, only then can we truly get a sense of what people seek in a partner. Relying on survey research entirely is akin to learning to drive a car based solely on reading the driving manual. Only when you drive in the real world under real conditions can you truly know what it takes to be a driver. Therefore, we should be mindful not to cast a blanket endorsement on results from surveys.
Instead, we should approach each new dating and relationship experience with a clean slate. Leave all the theories, research, and bookish knowledge behind. And try to connect on a personal level.
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This post was previously published on Hello, Love.
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