People tell me all the time,
“But I still orgasm.”
I know.
You can orgasm numbed out.
You can climax after three glasses of wine.
You can climax high on weed.
You can climax after a line.
The body is capable of mechanical release under a lot of conditions.
That is not the same thing as awakening.
For over a decade I taught tantric practice. Real tantric practice. Not Instagram quotes and silk robes. I taught breathwork. Energy circulation. Pelvic floor awareness. Eye gazing. The art of staying present when sensation rises instead of chasing it.
I spoke at retreats. I led workshops. I sat in circles with men and women who desperately wanted to access the elusive tantric orgasm. The full body one. The wave that moves through the spine. The one that feels like the entire nervous system lights up instead of just the genitals.
And here is what I kept running into.
Weed.
So much weed.
Modern spiritual sexuality has convinced itself that cannabis is some kind of sacred enhancer. That it makes you more intuitive. More open. More connected to sensation.
I cannot tell you how many times someone told me,
“But it helps me relax.”
Of course it does.
So does sedation.
Tantra is not about relaxation alone.
It is about awareness.
Osho spoke often about total presence in lovemaking. He said that when you are fully present, sex becomes meditation. Meditation requires clarity. Not fog.
David Deida writes about sexual energy as a current that moves through the body when you are open and undefended. That current cannot move cleanly through a numbed nervous system.
Margot Anand teaches that tantric orgasm is not about friction. It is about circulating life force energy through breath, sound, movement, and deep attunement.
Notice the common thread.
Presence.
Breath.
Conscious awareness.
Not intoxication.
Yes, weed can heighten sensation in the beginning. It can make touch feel amplified. Colors brighter. Music deeper.
But heightened sensation is not the same as expanded capacity.
There is a difference between amplification and integration. When you are high, you might feel a rush. A floating quality. A sense of looseness.
But you are not fully inhabiting your body.
You are altering your perception of it.
The tantric orgasm is not about escaping your body.
It is about entering it so fully that sensation becomes prayer.
That requires sobriety.
Over the years I watched couples chase intensity. They wanted fireworks. They wanted mind blowing. They wanted something cinematic.
But tantra is slow.
It is breath over minutes.
Eye contact that feels uncomfortable at first.
Staying when your instinct says pull away.
Weed interrupts that discipline.
Alcohol disrupts that discipline.
They shortcut discomfort. And discomfort is often the doorway.
Our modern free love culture blends substances and sexuality and calls it liberation.
It is not liberation.
It is avoidance dressed in bohemian clothing.
Freedom is not doing whatever feels good in the moment.
Freedom is having the capacity to feel deeply without needing to alter yourself.
The body under the influence can still orgasm. But the orgasm is contained. Localized. Often genital focused.
When sober presence is cultivated, the orgasm becomes systemic. The spine pulses. The chest opens. The breath deepens instead of collapses. The body does not rush toward climax. It expands into it.
There is bonding that happens in sober sex that is chemical and spiritual.
Oxytocin release is stronger when the nervous system feels safe and attuned. Alcohol disrupts oxytocin signaling. Chronic cannabis use can blunt emotional regulation and dampen motivational circuits.
You may feel connected in the moment.
But depth requires integration after the moment ends.
Tantra teaches energy circulation. Breath up the spine. Awareness in the heart. Relaxed jaw. Relaxed pelvic floor. Micro movements instead of thrusting intensity.
You cannot circulate what you cannot feel clearly.
And sedation dulls clarity.
I remember teaching a workshop where a couple insisted they achieved better sex high. I invited them to try a sober eye gazing practice for five minutes before any touch. They lasted thirty seconds before laughing nervously.
That laugh was not joy. It was exposure.
Intoxication protects you from that exposure.
Tantric work invites it.
In sober sex, you begin to notice subtleties.
The moment arousal shifts from excitement to fear.
The way your partner’s breath changes.
The micro tightening in your hips.
You adjust in real time.
High sex often overrides these signals. You push through instead of listening. You chase climax instead of riding energy.
The tantric orgasm is elusive not because it is mystical, but because it requires tolerance for sensation without escape.
It requires a regulated nervous system.
It requires staying when the wave rises instead of clenching toward finish.
Our culture teaches finish.
Tantra teaches expansion.
Free love culture tells you to explore endlessly.
Tantra asks you to deepen intentionally.
There is nothing wrong with pleasure.
There is nothing wrong with exploration.
But if you need weed to access openness, that is information.
If you need alcohol to relax into surrender, that is information.
Information about safety.
Information about capacity.
Information about where your nervous system still feels guarded.
Sober sex is not prudish for sure.
It is powerful.
It is disciplined.
It is alive.
When you are sober and present, your body becomes more sensitive over time, not less. Sensation sharpens. Emotional attunement strengthens. Orgasms deepen because you are not numbing the pathways that carry them.
You build stamina in your nervous system.
You build intimacy tolerance.
You build real erotic intelligence.
The beauty of tantric orgasm is not the fireworks. It is the bonding.
It is the afterglow that lingers because nothing was bypassed.
It is the sense of having met another human being without armor.
Intoxication might make you feel cosmic.
Presence makes you connected.
Those are not the same thing.
The last days of the Kindle Countdown are here. The price returns to full on the 29th. Grab your Kindle copy for 99 cents. I think your pleasure, your sex, your love life are worth a dollar, don’t you?
If you are tired of chasing intensity and ready to cultivate depth, Sober Sex is waiting for you on Amazon.
High might feel holy.
But sober is where the real awakening lives.
As always loving and praying for you and our world,
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Rene’ Schooler(Author)
