Tim Dowling has literally written the book on “How to Be a Husband” and puts a few marital myths to bed.
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When I wrote How to Be a Husband and I said it wasn’t a self‑help book, that was because everything I know about staying married can be boiled down to pretty basic insights. Here is a selection of those insights (there are forty in all):
Go to bed angry if you want to.
It is often said that a couple should never let the sun set on an argument, but this isn’t practical. Some arguments are, by their nature, two‑day events: too much is at stake to set an arbitrary bedtime dead‑ line. Faced with a stark choice between closure and a night’s sleep, you’re better off with the latter in almost every case. I’ve gone to bed angry loads of times, with no particular deleterious effects. You don’t actually stay angry. It’s a bit like going to bed drunk; you wake up feeling completely different, if not necessarily better.
Not liking cats isn’t really a good enough reason to put your foot down.
You have to be properly allergic, or weirdly phobic.
Marriages and other long‑term relationships have a significant public element.
Like an iceberg, the bulk of a marriage is hidden from view, but the top bit, the bit that you take out to parties and show off, should appear exemplary to outsiders: charming without being cloying; happy without being giddy; entertainingly spiky, but also mutually respectful. Above all, the whole thing should look effortless. Everybody knows marriage is hard. No one wants to watch you do the work.
Changing your name is a huge drag.
The question of whether a woman should adopt her husband’s surname after marriage (or whether some double‑barreled compound is preferable) is politically freighted, but what no one tells you before marriage is that you’ll need to pay for a new passport . You’ll have to inform your bank, your employer, the insurance company, PayPal, and a whole host of others. You’ll need to take your marriage certificate to the bank to cash checks in your old name. Complications resulting from the switch will plague you for years afterward. And the benefits? There are no benefits. It’s a complete waste of time. Forget principle and tradition: refuse to change your name on the grounds that you can’t be arsed.
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Even a marriage with healthy levels of communication can’t make a dent in the huge stockpile of things that simply never get said.
If the pair of you spent all day every day trying to express what’s in your soggy little hearts, you’d never manage to get through a box set together. For purely practical reasons certain of your partner’s desires, ambitions, and motivations will have to be guessed at. You should also learn to become an efficient curator of your own inner life: display the important stuff, shove the rest in storage, and rotate occasionally to keep things interesting.
The time‑honored debate about leaving the seat up or down is not a genuine source of friction in marriage.
The real rule, simple and inarguable, is this: don’t piss on the seat. If you have sons, it is your sworn duty as a father to impress the importance of this rule upon them. When it comes to maintaining a happy marriage, I can’t tell you what my failure to do so has cost me.
Give each other the benefit of the doubt.
When your wife carries on the next morning as if yesterday’s argument never happened, you should interpret her behavior as a willingness to forgive and forget, and not as a sign that she actually has forgotten. The benefit of the doubt is a key aspect of Gross Marital Happiness, and even if she has forgotten there is nothing to be gained from guessing right.
Copyright 2015 Tim Dowling. Reprinted with permission from Blue Rider Press/Penguin Random House.
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Photo: Getty Images
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Re: Gong to bed angry. I agree with this but more needs to be said. If you are fighting with a partner its important to know their fears. I suffer from abandonment issues (first wife died age 22). When my wife and I fight, I fear that when she storms away, irrationally, that its all over. I feel the need to fix it right then and there. If you do decide to go to bed angry, and your partner suffers from abandonment issues something simple like “honey I still love you, I am not going anywhere you are just really… Read more »
I think the original intent behind “don’t go to bed angry” was more “don’t decide to just forget the argument ever happened” and leave at least one of the couple stewing and festering over it. As to the flap (pun intended) over leaving the seat up or down on the toilet, well, my wife makes a point to say she’s happy to put the seat up for me when she can, and that I’ll do the opposite for her. Me, mostly I just mention to people that I teach my son “If you sprinkle when you tinkle, be neat, and… Read more »
No, the intent was that in the event one of the two angry people were to pass away ….. how would the surviving spouse feel if the last moments they were together, they were angry.
Great article. And couldn’t agree more about the peeing scenario. 😉 However, in my 30 years of marriage and through 3 kids (2 boys), I have sat on the bowl all of about 10 times and never at the fault of my husband. And each time it really sucked but it’s not grounds for divorce! If I was getting married today I wouldn’t change my name. Even 30 years ago it was a major pain. Finally, giving each other the benefit of the doubt is IMHO the most important. If you can’t do this you really are doomed.