“It was an honor to have you for 20 years. It will be my privilege to be a close friend the rest of your life.”
____
Well, today our 20 year marriage ended in courtroom 2-D.
To be honest, it was surreal. When we came to this decision months ago, I felt like the world had ended. In truth, I was afraid of what life would look like now without you. But now, standing here, it seems much more survivable. I read a German proverb once that said, “Fear makes the wolf bigger than he is.” And I was truly afraid of life without you. You have been the one constant person in my life for so long. In fact, longer than any other person on earth. You are the voice in my head. I owe you so much for these last 20 years. So I thought I’d let you know a few things on this first day of our new relationship. I know it’s weird writing this to you on this day, but life speeds by and there is simply no time to leave the right words unspoken. So allow me to share a few of my thoughts and feelings from today with you…
You deserve an award for making it 20 years with a man like me.
We both know I’m not easy to love. I’m beyond driven, don’t sleep much, make jokes in every situation, and you could always count on me to misbehave. I have taken more then my fair share of risks over our years together. That’s the problem with being married to a person who pursues dreams. You get dragged into adventures you never signed up for. I realized too late that many of my dreams became nightmare situations for you. My passions have always driven me. And that my heart is all about pursuing new things and bold plans. In many ways, my life is like a room full of dynamite… and I sit in that room playing with matches far too often. But hang in there… you were always ready with your southern charm and classy manners to correct my brash nature and follow me into another venture. I realize now that even though we had some real success, it took a toll on those I loved. For that I am truly sorry.
Statistically, this was a good decision.
We both know that 50 percent of marriages end in divorce… but the other 50 percent end in DEATH! So we really dodged a bullet there 🙂
You are an AWESOME mom.
Your kindness and love for our children is, perhaps, the single most beautiful thing about you. You will never fully know how much I studied your example while we raised these kiddos. You somehow breathe out love and they breathe it in.
I want you to be happy.
You deserve to be happy. Being married and also “in ministry” is often a nightmare. The pressures of having a good marriage makes having an authentic one a real struggle. Honestly, I’m happy you don’t have to deal with that anymore. For me, I know this is what I must do with my life. But you deserve a much more peaceful life and I’m excited you get that.
For the record, I would have married you all over again… even if I knew it would end like this.
Yes, we have three amazing kids out of this, but even if there was no Chloe, Titus, and Silas… I still would have picked you. I’m a better and different person today because of you. I cannot imagine going through life without any real time with you.
You need to stay off WebMD.
Headaches are rarely brain cancer. I mean it. It’s SUPER rare! You can be stubborn and ornery. People like you live longer than everyone you know. Let death be a surprise when it arrives. Enjoy the many years you have in front of you.
You can’t get me to stop loving you.
I honestly tried to convince my heart to hate you for a while. It didn’t take. You’re just too good of a person. The one thing that surprised me about our separation was how easy it was to just be friends again. For us, that’s where “we” started. And so I’m happy that that’s where we are ending. As great friends. I love that we still talk about our kids, life, plans, movies, music, and what famous person died. It feels normal to me.
I’ll always be here to help you in any way you need.
I love that you’re going to school and exploring new avenues for your journey through life. I’m always going to be around in case you need help… because I’m a fan. Always will be.
If our divorce has taught me one thing it’s this: if I had known it was going to end after 20 years, I would have absolutely done more sit-ups.
Dating again is going to be interesting. But my friend signed me up for something called Grindr so I’m sure I’ll have a lot of dates soon.
I’m not stupid. I know a woman like you will not be alone long.
You are too easy to love. And I want you to know that I will be a fan of whomever you choose to love again. I will, no doubt, share embarrassing stories about you with them whenever I can. But that’s to be expected because I can be a real tool!
♦◊♦
I guess that sums up most of it. I have thought about this day a lot as it approached. And all I knew was I wanted to end “us” well. Sounds stupid I guess… to want to end our marriage in a “good way.” But I keep thinking back to that old movie The Lion in Winter. When the sons, in the dungeon, think they hear Henry coming down the stairs to kill them.
Richard says,”He’s here. He’ll get no satisfaction out of us. Don’t let him see you beg…Take it like a man!
Geoffrey replied, “You fool! As if the way one falls down matters!”
Richard replied, “Well, when the fall is all that’s left, it matters a great deal.”
It was an honor to have you for 20 years. It will be my privilege to be a close friend the rest of your life.
So I will end this with a few words with from the great theologian Cyndi Lauper.
“If you’re lost you can look — and you will find me
Time after time
If you fall I will catch you —
I’ll be waiting
Time after time”
With all my heart,
Michael
♦◊♦
—
Originally Published: Huffington Post
Beautiful letter and it’s commendable you can both have a friendship after 20+ years of love and life together. however I simply cannot imagine going back to being just friends with someone I loved so deeply. A beautiful friendship before and within love is one of the most amazing things life can give you. But I would die a slow death if I were to remain close friends with the person I once loved more than life, and see them with someone else. Of course I want them to be happy, more than anything, and I would like to be… Read more »
That was so heartbreakingly beautiful. I loved the love.
After about 7 or 8 years, I sent a letter thanking my ex for setting me free and telling him how much I loved, appreciated him and what an honour it was to be married for so long. It was a cathartic process for me – thankfilly, because all I heard were crickets.
It was kind of sad to me, because I really poured my heart out. Oh well…
Beautiful.
This was a nice read, and top it most about the Grinder, it’s a gay online dating site, hahaha.
It’s encouraging knowing someone else has the same appreciation for the past relationship, and hopes for a future friendship (I thought I must be the only one in this situation, it seems unique when comparing to others’ separations): these are only possible in the absence of bitterness & anger.
And likewise, I would go back and do it all over again as we helped each other grow so much and now get to be parents to a beautiful boy.
Wish you, your ex-spouse & family a happy future.
Stephan
That’s funny that his friend signed him up for Grindr. From what I know his plenty if dates he is expecting, they will be from other men. Hahahaha
Wait a minute…if u were signed up to Grindr…then…ARE U GAY??? O.o??
and why does it matter Martin?
Nicely done Michael….my ex and I ended our marriage in similar fashion earlier this year. There were brief periods of turmoil during the separation, but it ended quite well. I’m truly grateful that we are still cordial with each other, we give each other financial tips on good sales for children’s clothing, groceries, car insurance, tax breaks, etc. I give him medical advice, he gives me IT advice….we genuinely care for each other, but sometimes some things just cannot be repaired. Our children benefit immensely from our co-parenting style and cordial nature. We were friends first, and hopefully over time… Read more »
Michael, I respect your sentiments about your ex. Now, can you write a similar letter to yourself and indicate all the strengths, all the positives and all the value that you have grown to appreciate about yourself during your marriage? You and your ex came apart because of human differences. There is nothing and no one to blame for anything. When we look at differences it really eases the pain….does it not? It also brings clarity to the entire situation for both of you. I would suggest that you forgive her for her differences. It will be then easier for… Read more »
Any woman should HOPE to get such a letter. And one from someone who MEANT it. I got notes before the divorce where heh promised to be a good parent and always love me, but as soon as it was over and he met HER and then another HER, the story turned upside down and turned quite ugly which it remains to this day, including OUR daughter’s wedding. That is behavior I never saw from his first divorce and still cannot believe from our 22 years together.
If you don’t mind me asking, why did you get divorced after 20 years of marriage to a woman you obviously love and share three children with?
That was lovely, thank you for sharing. Sentimental bastard that I am, it would have been great to end it on the terms you did. For me, 22 years of couplehood ended five years ago, badly. Today, some part of me would like to be her friend, or at least a coffee once a year or something. Another part of me knows that I have nothing left to say to this woman. Last week I was at a social occasion, saw her enter and greet our mutual friends. She turned to me, “Hi, I’m (name)” All I could say was,… Read more »
Sad! He’s buddy refer’s him to grindr? This is a men’s gay site, Now we know, why she left him after 20 years.
LMAO. Hey, he could be bisexual. Or experimenting new ways to be sexy. 😛
I so wish…….this could be my story……….my husband……….has so much BLAME…..? ALL ..i ever did was love him.
I feel your words Julie. I wish I could be like that too and maybe on some days I can but mostly we: my ex and me – are not friends. There is lots of blame but is not a simple thing to unravel because there is a lot of guilt and shame too. If I could do it all again, I would probably do it with someone different but then again I wouldn’t have the most beautiful daughter I can imagine. So I guess my comment is it is sad that so much shared ends so badly and it… Read more »
We’ll have to wait and see if you still feel this way once she is with someone else and starts to ignore you because it’s awkward.
Yes, I agree. It’s so very sweet and tender, almost brought me to tears, and makes me sad that they could not work out their marriage. However, my husband and I are recently married and the only real issue we have had to work through so far is that he and his ex-wife wanted to still be close friends and I am SO not ok with that. Their divorce was very recent and even if it weren’t, I don’t think being best friends and sharing your goals, hurts, hopes and dreams with anyone of the opposite sex other than your… Read more »
You say their divorce was very recent but that you aren’t ok with opposite sex intimacy/friendship. I have to wonder if you were having an affair with him or involved with him or part of the reason why they split. If that’s the case, then yeah, it sounds ironic. I wouldn’t advocate dating anyone still married or just recently separated/fresh divorced.
Excellent observation, JuniperBreeze.
When I went into marriage counseling with my ex-wife, the counselor immediately stated the dynamic of how it should work. We should see where we were both at in the relationship, acknowledging our feelings, and then work toward a position of compromise in the middle. The problem with that is, what if one person is simply much more “at fault?” I mean, what if one person has bent over backwards to compromise, communicate, and care and the other one hasn’t, really? And what if the selfish person refuses to see the truth? If she only met me half-way, we’d still… Read more »
Amazing letter. Tomorrow would have been our 25th anniversary had my ex and I made it, but, like you, we are still dear, dear friends and love each other as such. He is the father of my wonderful children. He knows things about me that no one else will ever know, and visa versa, I’m sure. We still joke and laugh together. We still cry together and comfort each other. We still enjoy each other’s company, just not in the romantic sense anymore. He’s a dear, sweet and loving man and a great father. We were separated for seven years… Read more »
Michael, A truly beautiful letter and I can empathize 100% with it as it is something very similar that I have written to my ex wife but did it for my therapy at getting over her. We are still great friends, care for each other and do things with our 3 amazing kids. But, I have one question. Just as I hope that she finds love again, so do I wish that for me. However I am finding it hard to get to a place where I feel I can let someone else into my heart while remaining so close… Read more »
This was a very cool read, Michael. It’s so nice to see spouses not dragging each other through the mud and taking responsibility. Thanks for your honesty and humor on what had to be a tough decision for the both of you. Much continued success to the future of you and yours!
Your letter makes me Sad, because it reminds me of the letter my brother wrote to his wife about 3 years after the divorce.
he had been a victim of DV on numerous occasions, she cheated on him and had an abortion during their marriage without telling him. And after all this he still blamed himself because he was ‘hard to love’.
Not saying this is what happened to you but it reminds me so much of him.