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Every year, the idea of what man is evolves. Each moment gives us a chance to shed worthless, dangerous ideas and give way to a more evolved self. With that, the idea of manhood is also changing. As I look at who men are today, where we have come from, and where we going, I wanted to list seven harmful traits we can get rid of when measuring what a man is. These are misogynistic, sexist, homophobic, and foolish trains of thought that do not serve us any purpose, but to weigh us down in the mire of stupidity and idiocy. We can help be a part of the change.
How can I be a man if my partner makes more money than me?
I hear this all the time. Men feeling emasculated because their significant other has a bigger salary then they do. It’s as if we tie being a man to how much money is in our bank accounts. Yes, we all know that in the 1950’s and 1960’s, men were the primary providers and women were encouraged to stay at home and raise the family. But guess what? It ain’t the 1950’s and 1960’s anymore! Women are engineers, doctors, lawyers, CEO’s and yes they may make more money than you. That has nothing to do your manhood. Remember, the man makes the money, the money don’t make the man.
How can I be a man if I wear pink?
Growing up, I was told only girls wear pink. If you wore something remotely close to it, you were teased and told that you were soft. As I got older, I realized that was rubbish. Some of the best dressed, flyest looking guys I knew wore pink. I learned that in the 1700 and 1800s, it was the complete opposite – boys primarily wore pink! Seriously, if a color determines our masculinity, we as a species are in trouble. Personally, as a dark chocolate complected man, I love wearing pink and my lady loves when I wear it. I’m just sayin’.
How can I be a man if I don’t drink with the guys?
You see these images of men sitting at a bar bro’ing it up with tons of beers and shots, or reading these heroic stories of Hemingway with a snifter of scotch and you think, “That’s how men act.” But what if you don’t drink alcohol? Not having a beer or a cocktail does not make you less of a man. Drinking has never been or should be related to masculinity. Many great men throughout history were not drinkers – Bruce Lee, Malcolm X, and Stephen King. Don’t bow to pressure because you don’t imbibe.
How can I be a man if my wife doesn’t take my last name?
When a man decides to get married, the expectation is always the woman will take his last name. But in recent years, there has been a strong trend of women keeping their maiden names. Some men may be threatened by this, thinking it’s a slight to them. Not so. Marriage has evolved from the ownership/dowry–giving to equal partnership between man and woman. According to the New York Times, over 20% of all women married in 2015 kept their maiden name. As a matter of fact, quite a few men are taking the woman’s last name. Zoe Saldana’s husband did it and I am not mad at him.
How can I be a man if I am gay?
When I was younger I would hear people disparage gay men for not being real men. I knew that was bullshit then and still know it is bullshit. Your sexual orientation has absolutely nothing to with how “manly” you are. Who you sleep with and love should not be in the equation when measuring manhood. I have met some gay men that are the toughest, hardest guys in the world. Two of the most masculine men in history–Langston Hughes and James Baldwin–were gay. So if anyone says something like that, tell ‘em to kiss your ass.
How can I be a man if I don’t sleep around?
Okay, this is a personal one for me. At one point in my life, to prove my masculinity I tried to sleep with as many women as I could. This was to prove that I was a “real man.” But, I realized two things: A) It didn’t make me feel any more of a man and B) This was a stupid measuring stick for defining manhood. Unfortunately, this poisonous train of thought of having sex with every other woman is fed to men at an early age. It’s time to put that to rest. Don’t be pressured to sleep around.
How can I be a man if I am not raised by one?
Speaking from personal experience, as one man that didn’t meet his father until he was 13, I don’t know. I am still trying to figure that out. Continue to be a good person, stay true to yourself, and we will answer that question on this ride together.
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A real man: hmm let’s see the head of the man is the Christ ( ) you may want to start there as a point of reference. Afterwhich, take into considetation that by virtue of being born male aspecific to gender gives you the inherient right to be your own trail blazer so long that it aligns with moral principles not as predescrobed by societal views but by God’s. Wearing pink -irrelevant; a woman not taking the name of her husband creates an illusionary wall of seperate but equal unnecessary distance. The illusion of giving up her independence iby taking… Read more »
Thumbs up to you Pamela!
Hi LeRon, Allow me, if you will, to give a bit of input on this subject. You stated this: Speaking from personal experience, as one man that didn’t meet his father until he was 13, I don’t know. I am still trying to figure that out. I guess continue to be a good person, stay true to yourself , and we will answer that question on this ride together. Yes, absolutely, but allow me to add to that. Every one of the comments to that point stem from that one single issue. Imagine a man that was raised in a… Read more »
I agree that sexual orientation does not have any impact on man’s masculinity. However, there are many elements of gay culture that are effeminate, and the degree to which one assimilates those elements can have an effect on one’s masculinity.
Milo, interesting that you mentioned this. I have gay friends (male) and for the life of me I don’t remember when they identified themselves as being gay with us. They were and always have been (names). But here’s what came to mind when I read your comment. Just as “men” in general are stereotyped on many levels, these guys I speaking about don’t fit the “gay” stereotypes that inundate the media. I think back to an “All in the family” episode where a real macho guy friend of Archy’s came out. And that was how many years ago? So what… Read more »
And Mark, if a man (particularly a wealthy one) who steals from his fellow human beings, he is a thief.
Every single one of those can be summed up into one question. How can I be a man when others are trying to force their concept of manhood onto me? That’s what it all comes down to. The 7 seven questions you ask are 7 external expectations being placed on men by outside forces and other people. And that’s the real problem at hand. Men aren’t being allowed the latitude to work on a manhood and masculinity that works for them. Instead they are bogged down in posts, articles, and lists about what men should do that usually based on… Read more »
Mostly, at least your response/comment went through. Even though I checked and made sure the comment met the criteria, …. All I was saying in my response was that it would be interesting to change the focus and ask “how can I be a modern man if” I don’t like wearing pink, want to be financial head of household, if I feel that it’s best that a child have a mom and a dad, if I like drinking with the guys … I think I pointed out that these are representative of how men with these views are demonized as… Read more »
You can be a modern man Tom when you embody the character of a man. Not just merely traditional man values, which as dj and I pointed out still others expectations of a man. Which is why I said it’s better to say what isn’t a man. LeRon pointed out if he and bazillions of other men want to wear pink, a real man doesn’t smirk or rush to judge or anything. You just recognize his desire to wear pink and that includes if tis on a skirt too. If you don’t want to wear pink or better yet a… Read more »
I understand what you’re saying Mark.
I know you do, Tom. I wasn’t picking you out at all. I value your views of self. ALOT and you have every right to believe in yourself as the way you choose to live your life. It’s your life the only one you got. And whatever the outside says how you should live it is absolutely irrelevant. I find that very offensive. As if THEIR opinion matters any more than yours. Who gave them the throne? But man many want you to think they sit on it and are very happy to tell you so.
Am I the only one who sees seven straw men here? Not to be an agist or a nationalist here, but I don’t know anyone in my hemisphere (under the age of 85) who’s asked (or needed to ask) any of those questions in the last 20 years or more… So-called “progressive” values have won, won handily, and won a long time ago- in fact they aren’t even truly ‘progressive’ anymore because they are the mainstream. Is it so unappealing then, if not to declare victory, than at least to give a more accurate state of affairs? And that inaccuracy doesn’t… Read more »
Not at all, I agree with you.
Yeah and when the military doesn’t need you anymore, they throw you away and never mind that you risk your life. I have some things to add: How can I be a man if people judge me on my occupation? Let’s face it a lawyer and a business person gets more political, social, and economic status than a teacher or a blue collar worker even if that blue collar worker is highly skilled. How can I be a man if people mock me because I am a virgin? You get a lot of pressure from other people if you don’t… Read more »
These “strawmen” are well represented around the net, though. And I never understood how such “progressive” values, gay acceptance, personal expression, less and less gender boundaries, are somhow now less valid because they are apparently “mainstream” so now some people to feel anticonformist, deem such values as politically correct, finally embracing the most rebel and anticomformistic thing: enforcing comformist traditional rule. I’m also not mad for pink for example, but I think some men can pull off the eyeliner. But you can’t say there is somewhere which is even a far cry from the same bigotry against wearing pink, toward… Read more »
Good and simple message LeRon. Needs to be repeated and built upon over and over. A (hu)man really does know all of these things but many times chooses to listen to a cacophony of outside influences and pushes them down. That’s not being a man. It occurred to me because of this article, that we spend so much more time discussing what IS a man when it would be so much easier to describe what it is NOT to be a man. Such as a man has his responsibilities and if he chooses to not do them then he is… Read more »