How Do I Date When I Struggle With Depression?

Hi Doc,

I need some help with a specific issue I don’t think I’ve seen covered so far. How do you date when you have depression?

By most metrics I’m fairly normal. I have close friendships with men and women. We talk about our feelings and support each other. I get invited to activities and people really enjoy having me around. In fact, an old boss once told me it was boring at work while I was gone on vacation.

But internally I’m fighting a battle, trying to evade this metaphorical grey cloud that blankets everything in my life. While I don’t have major depressive disorder, it is still difficult to be active socially when nothing really seems appealing.

As you can imagine, dating isn’t easy for me. Despite the supposed appeal of broody guys, being happy and well-adjusted is much more conducive to relationships. My life’s romantic history is pretty much nonexistent to begin with (recently turned 30). Now combine that with being emotionally closed off and not ever knowing what mutual love feels like.

I’m currently getting multiple forms of treatment, but the depression is persistent and progress has been subpar at best. I don’t anticipate things will improve in a substantial way anytime soon. So unless I want to wait until I’m 80 to date, I have to learn to play the hand I’ve been dealt.

I know you have dealt with similar issues and will understand where I’m coming from as a straight guy.

Thanks,
Simply Aimless

One of the questions I see a lot lately are folks asking how they can date when they have particular challenges in their lives – ranging from mental health issues to to physical or social ones. A lot of time, the subtext of the question isn’t “how do I date when I have/am X” but is actually “am I allowed to date when I have/am X”. This comes up, for example, when we talk about whether someone is in a good place, emotionally or mentally to date; the old saw of “you need to be in good working order” seems to trip a lot of people up because what does that even mean?

Well, it’s a little like driving a car that isn’t in pristine condition. Maybe the engine hitches a little bit as it shifts gears. Maybe it makes a weird noise when you turn the wheel past a certain radius or you have to do a particular “turn the key, pump the gas, turn the key again, smack the steering wheel” dance in order to get the engine to turn over. While those little quirks let you know the car has some work that needs to be done and someone really should get under the hood or get it up on the lift to check it out, the car still does it’s job. It may have its idiosyncrasies, but it’s safe to operate and it’ll get you where you want to go. You just have to learn to work with it.

So it is when you’re dating. You don’t need to be cherry, but you do need to function more or less as intended, in ways that aren’t going to cause harm to you or your partner or partners.

This is why my first question for people dealing with chronic conditions is “are you managing your condition?” For something like depression, part of managing it is being under treatment – whether you’re undergoing therapy, receiving medication or both. Untreated depression makes it very difficult to actually date successfully – not because you’re deficient or defective, but because it’s harder to function without causing inadvertent and avoidable harm. Dealing with rejection is hard; dealing with rejection when you have untreated depression is nightmarish. The same goes for the quality of your relationships. It can be difficult to discern whether the way you feel is because something is wrong with the relationship, or because your depression is dripping poison in your ear.

Right now, it sounds like you’re in treatment, but it’s not necessarily working the way you’d prefer. I hope you’re discussing this with your doctor. Treating depression is more art than science, and it can take time to find not just the right treatment, but often the right medication and dosage. A lot of it can be like throwing darts at a board and hoping this one works. So if you’ve been on a certain treatment or medication and it’s not working well, it’s important to advocate for your own needs. You know yourself better than anyone else, so you need to be able to say “Hey, this isn’t working for me, maybe we should adjust things” or “I’m experiencing side-effects that are negatively affecting my life in X ways” is vital.

It’s also helpful to keep track of other options that your current care provider may not necessarily know of. A lot of people who have treatment-resistant depression, for example, have found a great deal of success with ketamine infusion or nasal sprays (under the supervision of a doctor; for the love of all things holy do not self-medicate with ketamine).

But the other reason why being in treatment is important is so that you have a better idea of how your depression manifests and how it affects you. This is going to be important. Not only do you need to recognize when you’re having a depressive episode and what it looks and feels like, but you need to be able to explain it to any potential partners. This is information that they have a right to know if they’re going to be in a relationship with you. After all, If you’re someone who, say, tends to isolate themselves when a depressive episode comes on, your partner may well think that you’re upset at them or pulling away from the relationship if they aren’t aware that this is your pattern.

Similarly, you need to be able to explain to your partner what actually helps when the depression swells and what’s counterproductive. A lot of folks who have never dealt with chronic depression often don’t realize that it’s not just having “the blues” or that it’s something you can be snapped out of by sheer willpower, nor can it be ‘loved’ away. But if they know that, when things are bad, you need a little more reassurance or just a quiet but supportive presence, then it’s a lot easier not only to give you support you need but also take the responsibility of “fixing” you off their shoulders.

That last one comes up more often than you’d think. One of the reasons why White Knights make poor partners is that when they discover that they can’t “cure” or “save” someone and that the day-to-day reality means that some days, weeks or even months may just be a grind of “get through this to the other side”, they tend to get frustrated or angry. Some even blame their partner for not responding to the Power of Their Love. Even people who aren’t White Knighting still drastically overestimate their ability to affect someone else’s mental health issues and blame themselves or others.

Speaking of straining relationships, one thing that’s going to be important is to have a strong social support network. One of the largest sources of stress in any relationship is when we treat our partners as our sole source of support and socialization. Under the best of circumstances, this is a lot of weight to drop on a person’s shoulders. But when you’re dealing with a chronic condition like depression, that weight goes up exponentially. Having a large, supportive network of friends and family who you can turn to helps, in part because it means you aren’t putting all of the responsibility on one person.

Straight men are especially bad at this, and toxic ideas of masculinity are entirely to blame. Straight men are taught that vulnerability is weakness, asking for help is just a sign you’re not strong enough to hack it yourself and the only person you can open up to is your wife or girlfriend. This not only leaves men isolated, but also demands that our partners act like therapists and doctors – roles that they can’t and shouldn’t fulfill.

Being able to get support from multiple places at different times means that no one person is getting overwhelmed or feeling that they’re the sole load-bearing support pillar for you and the relationship.

Fortunately, in your case, it seems like you already have this on lock, and that’s great. That is going to serve you well in life in general, as well as in dating.

That social network is also good because it means you have people to turn to and get a gut-check. Depression can make it hard to trust your own feelings or your read on a situation. Knowing that you can turn to someone else that you trust and knows you and be able to say “hey, is this just me or is it A Thing” is incredibly helpful.

Another thing to keep in mind is to recognize that what you need and what your partner needs may not always line up. You, for example may have a period where your depression is on the upswing and are going to cocoon away for a bit. Your partner, on the other hand, may be someone who needs to be more social for their own mental health. In those cases, understanding that they can go do things without you and that this is ok will be huge for the success of the relationship. While it’s understandable that someone might say “I know what you need to snap out of this” and try to drag you out, that’s not always going to be helpful to you. By that same token, they shouldn’t feel as though they’re being held in captivity by your depression and have to stay home when you do. Knowing that it’s ok for them to do their own thing when they need to is important, just as it is for you to understand the same applies to you as well. You’re dating, not starring in a remake of The Defiant Ones.

This, of course, leads to the big question everyone always asks: when do you tell people? My suggestion is that you give it a couple of dates – both to give them an opportunity to get to know you without the label and presuppositions that come with it, but also so that you can get a feel as to whether this is a relationship that you are going to want to invest in. Having the “hey, so I have this condition” conversation over and over again on the first date is not only exhausting and demoralizing, but it also creates feelings of expectations and obligations that you don’t want to inflict and nobody wants to experience.

However, there’s a difference between that and saying “I like you and if we’re going to keep going with this, you should understand this about me and how I function”. By giving it some time, you’re better able to see if this is a person who’s worth your time and emotional investment and to see if they’re ready, willing and able to be the person you need in a relationship. If they’re not… well, it sucks, but that’s also to the good. It hurts, yeah, but the last thing you want is to be in a relationship with a person who isn’t right for you.

And speaking of: don’t let depression trick you into staying in a relationship that doesn’t work. Believe me, I know from experience how this goes. Depression can lead you to feel like this is your only chance at a relationship. You may feel like you need to hold onto it for dear life because the alternative is to be Forever Alone. Trust me: a bad relationship is far worse than being single, no matter what Depression Brain tells you.

Oh, and one last thing. Just because you aren’t shiny-happy-smiley all the time doesn’t mean that people aren’t going to like you or want to date you. You can still be friendly and compassionate, projecting warmth and caring, even when the depression is hitting. Hell, sometimes it’s easier to do that for others, even when you’re not necessarily feeling it for yourself. Being closed off is a choice; you can still open up to others, still share and still feel good for other people. Don’t forget: depression is a lying liar who tells lies. And the single biggest lie it tells is that you aren’t good enough or that you don’t deserve this. Don’t believe it.

You’ve got this.

All will be well.

***

Hey, Doc

I’ve got a serious case of Oneitis that I need to get over. But it’s not with a person. It’s with a process.

I’m lucky: white straight middle-class cishet US-citizen male, but also blessed with a fantastic community. A big part of that community is my pretty progressive and inclusive religion. Long positive track record on gender equality, supporting gay marriages since the 1980s, decent if not perfect about trans rights, working on our racism. The religion is aging (at nearly 40, I’m routinely one of the younger ones), but there are cross-regional young adult gatherings. My one-itis: for the last 15 years I’ve almost entirely relied on those gatherings to start romantic relationships.

I arrived at my first gathering at age 25 depressed and literally scarred from self-harm, but I met Kay. After going home, Kay and I chatted online for several weeks, and they invited me to visit them for my first sexual experience. It was always going to be short-term, but Kay’s support in my life right then made a huge difference and I’ve never harmed myself since (managing the depression took longer, but I’m okay right now). The next year, same annual gathering, no Kay… but I met Emily! That lasted a few beautiful months. And then a couple years after that, Alex and I got together at that exact same gathering and we were together for over three years. So you see the problem. These gatherings had literally changed my life and brought me incredible relationships, so I thought meeting people that way was the only way to go.

Sure, it meant that after Alex and I broke up six years ago, I’ve been single ever since. But because I met Ari and Diana at gatherings during that time and almost got together with them, it was just a matter of time, right? Sure, it meant I always arrived at the gatherings with massive expectations and left disappointed. And sure, all my friends were telling me that I really should date outside the religion. But the relationships I’d had were all such top-quality, and I’ve never gotten past getting-to-know-you dating using any other approach.

Then this month I went to a gathering, met Sonia, thought she liked me, and then watched her ask out the guy she was actually interested in. And that drastic case of fifth-wheeling Chair Leg of Truth’d me. I need to rethink my life. Not only have I been ruining the gatherings for myself, I’ve been fetishizing the people there, not to mention arrogantly assuming I knew better than my friends. The same friends like Kay and Ari who, despite my past arrogance, answered the phone when I was distraught over Sonia. (BTW, Sonia and I talked it out the next day and parted as friends.)

That said, I also have a rule that I can’t tell someone “Stop doing X” without also saying “Try Y instead.” So I need to solve for Y: what else can I do?

Available assets: aside from my values, emotional openness, and a lifetime supply of Buffy quotes, I’m a writer/storyteller, I play the guitar tolerably and sing rather better, I’m in pretty good shape and enjoy running/camping/hiking, I teach public school, and I love cooking/baking. Also see above re: supportive exes. Areas of difficulty: I dress really casual when not teaching, I’m pretty busy, I live in a famously male-heavy and anti-social city, and almost all my friends are partnered and so are almost all their friends, too. So among other things I’m feeling increasingly odd man out among my friends.

Ari, who’s had a ringside seat to all this since I met her, points out that the gatherings are opportunities to be really vulnerable, so a replacement would involve a similar level of vulnerability—which I actually enjoy. I’m not sure a straight replacement is a great idea, but I still need a new strategy, preferably more than “Get back on OKC and start the dating grind”. Thoughts?

—The World Was Right and Delenn Was Wrong

This is a “forest for the trees” sort of situation, TWRDWW. You’re missing some crucial factors in the macro because you’re so focused on the micro.

While I don’t doubt that those gatherings have been incredible and valuable for you on many levels, they’re not magic. There wasn’t some special enchantment that made those the only place where you could meet someone wonderful. What they were – and are – were places where the factors that make it easier to meet amazing people all came together.

First and foremost, those were events where you felt comfortable and secure. You were in a place where not only did you feel safe being vulnerable, but where you could express yourself. You were able to be genuine and real with people, to let the positive sides of you shine through without having to put on a performance.

Second, you were in a place where you were meeting people who were similar to you. For all the old saw about opposites attract, we’re drawn to people who are like us. The more commonalities we share with people – especially the deep, meaningful commonalities, like shared values and beliefs – the more we like them. Sharing a religion, or the values associated with that religion, makes connecting with someone a lot easier.

Then there’s the fact that you were an active participant in your own social life. Kay may have been the initiator of your first relationship, but you felt empowered to go out and flirt and connect with other people at these gatherings. While this may seem like a prime “duh, George” sort of observation, the fact of the matter is that a lot of folks don’t take an active hand at meeting people. If you don’t actually go and make the effort, nothing is going to happen. This is why some people seem to be eternally lucky in relationships and others struggle, even when they’re both great matches. The people who do the best keep an eye out for opportunities and maximize their effort when they see them. The ones who are more passive end up missing out on incredible moments because they were waiting for someone else to do a lot of the work.

That’s why these gatherings, while great, were basically the social equivalent of Dumbo’s Magic Feather. While they increased the likelihood of meeting someone who was a good match for you, they didn’t guarantee anything – neither that you would meet an amazing woman or that you’d date them if you did.

Because hey, crazy thing: there’re tons of incredible women out there who aren’t at those gatherings, nor are they the only place you can meet them. The success you had didn’t come from the events, they came from the fact that you saw opportunities and went all-in, in order to maximize the likelihood of a good outcome. The parts that made it possible for you to meet and date these amazing women were inside you all along; being at the events just meant that you were giving yourself permission to access them.

That’s why the good news is: you can replicate that success, even without being at those events, specifically. This is particularly true when your strength is in meeting people in person. What you want are to find the places and occasions where you’re more likely to meet the sorts of women you want to date.

This is why you need to do your research and to not just make assumptions. Just because you live in an area that’s weighted to the male end of the ratio or that’s “unfriendly” doesn’t mean that there aren’t other gatherings, events, meetups or whatnot that will have incredible potential partners. You just have to find them, and that may mean looking a little further afield than you’re used to. Start by focusing on events or groups that your ideal partners are likely to be into. You may even find it useful to help start or organize a few yourself – not just for the sake of your dates but for the joy of community and shared interests.

You should also think a step beyond what’s immediately in front of you. Ok, your friends are partnered up and so are most of their friends. That doesn’t mean that they can’t accompany you to those events – as moral support, as wingmen or women or even just as social proof. Similarly, if you go to, say, a MeetUp or organized event and don’t meet the woman of your dreams, that doesn’t mean you should stop going or that the event was a bust. Connecting with the people you meet there increases your social network. Increasing your social network increases your opportunities to meet other people through your new friends’ networks. This may be direct – when they bring a friend next time or invite someone along to an event you host. It may also be indirect – inviting you to a shindig they throw or another MeetUp they think you might dig.

The key to getting lucky – and thus getting lucky – is that you keep your eye out for opportunities and increasing the odds of encountering the sorts of people you want to meet. Then, when you’re in those spaces or see those opportunities, you take full advantage of them. And trust me, once you start believing those opportunities are out there and you go looking for them, you will find them. The more open you are to serendipity, the more opportunities you have for it to strike. But it works best when you deliberately place yourself in fortune’s path. Luck, after all, is the confluence of opportunity and preparation. When a fluke occurs, being prepared to respond at a moment’s notice means you’re going to increase the odds of success a hundredfold. And flukes are more likely to occur when you seek out the circumstances that increase the odds of it happening.

So take the confidence, energy and knowledge you have when you go to these gatherings and apply it to other aspects of your life. Seek out the places the sorts of women you do best with are likely to gather; create them if you need to. Be on the look out for opportunities, including in places you might dismiss out of hand, so that you’re ready to take full advantage of them at a moment’s notice.

I think you’ll find that the magic isn’t in the gatherings, it’s what you’ve been carrying with you all this time.

Good luck.

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This post was previously published on Doctornerdlove.com and is republished on Medium.

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