How I Found Solitude as a Mother of Two — and Why It Makes Me a Better Parent

Currently, I am sitting at a small table in a tiny cabin surrounded by the forest in a remote area of Northern Idaho. As I sip my coffee, I look out a picture window, drinking in the yellows of the Autumn leaves that fall one by one from deciduous trees, mixing with the rich green of the pines that surround them. The only sounds I hear are the clicking of my keyboard and the rain falling softly outside. I study the droplets of water that gently roll off the leaves. I watch them flutter, deciding when to fall. A rare sense of peace washes over me and I think I finally might understand the term “being in your body.”

This kind of quiet only exists because my two kids, a one- and five-year-old, are many miles away, at home with my husband. It’s the kind of quiet that cannot be achieved during naptime or even by waking up in the wee hours of the morning before the rest of the house (although these are totally valid ways to find little moments of solace in the day). It’s the kind of quiet that only comes with true solitude. When you’re not poised, waiting for that first little cry to break into your moment of zen.

To say I needed these two days of real alone time is an understatement. But I’ve come to believe that all parents need time to themselves, time to recharge, connect with their own inner compass, and return to their families with a sense of renewal and the kind of gratitude that only comes with time spent away.

The privilege of this kind of retreat is not lost on me. I am lucky to have a co-parent, and one that is willing and able to let me take this time. We have made an effort to structure our work lives around flexibility, and have chosen vocations that allow us to create our own schedules. Even though working for ourselves involves sacrifice, having the choice is a privilege that many people are not afforded.

However, most parents don’t get much time to themselves, even if they technically have the means to do so. According to a recent survey by the meal delivery service Munchery, the typical parent only gets 32 minutes of alone time per day. When faced with the suggestion of spending more time alone, Psychotherapist Amy Morin wrote that many of her clients respond by saying something like, “I’m too busy to make time for myself.” A statement that pretty much hits the nail on the head when you think about doing anything for yourself as a parent. It’s a full-time gig, whether as the main caregiver and runner of the household, the breadwinner, or some combination of the two. Either way, the pressure to get more and more done, even on the weekends, can sometimes be the loudest voice in your head.

Yet, as I sit here, contemplating solitude, IN solitude, I know that this time away, where “productivity” is not even an option, will make me a better parent. And here’s why:

· The more I fulfill my own needs, the better I am at helping my family with theirs. It’s like when the flight attendant says to put on your own mask before the child’s in case of emergency. We can’t help others until we first help ourselves and if I am overwhelmed, anxious, and stressed, it’s not good for my kids.

· When I am alone, I can be truly in touch with myself. That is where I can figure out what my own needs are in the first place. As a parent, it can be difficult to wade through everyone else’s needs to find my own. When I am alone, I can ask myself what I need without all the clutter.

· I find strength in solitude. So often, especially as women, we are wary of doing things on our own because society has taught us that we need someone stronger and more competent to help us. But, to put it lightly, that is bullshit. A weekend of building my own fires, solo hiking, and generally deciding things for myself gives me a boost of confidence that I can bring home to my family.

· I miss my kids when I’m away. There is no truer saying than “absence makes the heart grow fonder”. I can’t wait to go home tomorrow and hug my babies. I will savor the cries, embrace all the snuggles, and gleefully watch every time I hear “Mommy, watch me!”. It’s refreshing to feel that way, when so often those are the things that can make me feel most exhausted if I haven’t had enough time to myself.

· It makes my marriage stronger. My husband recently took a seven-day trip by himself and I missed the garbage pick-up twice because he always takes on that responsibility. It helped me to see all the things he does for us and the energy he brings to our family and I know it’s the same for him when I’m away as well.

As for me and my husband, we have made a pact to carve out more alone time for ourselves. We’ve even created a schedule of solo time away as a gift for each other. But more than that, it’s a gift for the whole family. As humans, we deserve to have the time to look deep into ourselves, learn, and grow from the insights we have there. We deserve to take words like productivity and accomplishment off the table in favor of recharge and observation. I’m realizing that solitude is priceless and look forward to the benefits that finding more of it will bring to me and my little family.

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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.

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