How Love Changes Over the Years

Love looks different over time. It changes, it grows. It gives, it takes. It becomes more complicated, it’s up to us to keep up and adapt.

When I was 10, I lived a couple blocks from my school. I went out of my way to meet up with my girlfriend at the time. We’ll call her Annie. She lived 3 blocks away in a different direction than the school. I’d end up walking 6 blocks to get there, just to be able to walk with her! It didn’t matter to me though, I got to see Annie early every day and, she didn’t have to walk alone. I remember playing with her and her friends at recess sometimes. She’d skip rope and I’d be on the end, trying to time my swing, so that she wouldn’t miss that skip. I don’t know if she ever noticed things like that. I remember Annie sharing her snacks with me sometimes or she’d watch me play baseball with my friends. Back then, love meant giving whatever I could to help make Annie happy. Seeing her smile at me, and her asking me to walk her home after school was all the reward I needed to feel happy myself. So simple. How naïve was I?

We moved to a remote community from my hometown soon after. It took me quite a while to move on from Annie though. We wrote each other a few times but, we were 11. What could come from a penpal relationship? Everyone thought it was cute.

I didn’t really start dating until later on in high school. Having been out of the game for so long by the time I was 16 or 17, I had to learn a different way to love. Girls didn’t like a guy that was too easy and went out of their way to please them. I found out through some heartbreaks that love, the way it was with Annie, wouldn’t work here. Love as a teen almost needed to be a challenge, something you had to work for. If you let on too soon that you were interested, she would lose interest. If you walked her to school every day, you’d be in the friend zone for sure.

It took me a couple years to learn the new rules to this new love dance. I got pretty good at it though! I could strike up a conversation with a total stranger and have a date the same day. My college roommate would often challenge me. I’ve gotten a date calling a wrong number and once, a prank call to our apartment turned into a 3 week relationship (a record for me at the time). Playing the love game never went anywhere though. I hated it. It wasn’t how I wanted it to be. I decided to take some time to really think about what I wanted.

A few years later, I was filled with a lot more confidence. I had a great job, my own car, my own apartment and life was looking grand. That Great Love was still missing though. I knew I was ready for something with a lot more substance by this time. Something I could really feel! I was in my mid-twenties and, I was the last man standing, the last holdout. Every single one of my friends was married, or living with a girl. They had all started having kids or, were trying. I was seriously considering the possibility that, I was that friend that would never have someone. That cool uncle that always had money or gifts for the nieces and nephews. I would also always be that third wheel that stopped getting invited to have drinks or play cards. I needed to find that love that would give me the life my friends already had. The one I was craving so much. I was late to the game again though. I had to hurry or I’d be left behind.

I met my ex-wife (then future wife) in a rural town in Northern Ontario. She was looking for a similar life her parents had lived. Her father worked hard, mother stayed home and took care of everything else. Pretty much the same life my parents had lived and, what I thought I wanted as well. Love had certainly evolved. It didn’t look at all like I thought it would when I was 10.

We had financial issues in our first few years. Before we dug ourselves out of that hole, kids started showing up. Faster than you’d think possible, we were 10 years into a marriage, going through couple’s counseling, 4 kids screaming, fighting and, we were counting the days until we could get 8 hours of sleep again. For us, love looked like making coffee, taking kids to skating practice, art lessons, karate lessons, chores, etc… Love was being busy doing things to support the family with either time or money. It no longer had anything to do with each other.

We almost made it to 20 years of marriage out of sheer stubbornness. The kids were great but, very difficult in the teen years at the same time. What teen isn’t? We sat down for a drink one night on the patio, she (my ex)was on one chair. I was on the other. There was a ‘love seat’ between us…empty. Neither one of us even thought for a second to sit together on it. We talked about love and what we thought life was going to be like later on. My wife asked me if I thought we’d be together once the kids left. I asked her to think of her own answer to the same question. We were honest for the first time to each other in years and, we both admitted that, no, we didn’t see ourselves in each other’s future. It was the hardest no I’ve ever had to say and yet, it was the easiest no for each of us to hear from each other. We decided that this wasn’t what love should look like. We were 7 days away from our 20th anniversary!

I didn’t jump into any relationships for a while. I needed to learn to love in my older years. What had love changed into now? I dated some flaky people. I dated someone that was ready to move in with me after two months of dating! I dated someone that was so scared of attachment, she wouldn’t go out on more than 2 or 3 dates per month out of some fear. I tried dating sites. I went on a couple blind dates. I was more confused than when I had my first girlfriend, 40 years ago, Annie. The last time love was easy. It’s supposed to be easy, right? I wondered what had become of her. This isn’t a story about rekindling something from my childhood. This is about how love changes and, why it changes.

“Love is just a word until someone comes along and gives it meaning.” ~ Unknown

I received a friend request from an unknown woman less than a month later. You know those requests from strangers, right? They only have 25 friends, they’re all the opposite gender. They live on the other side of the planet and are easy 10s. Well, this woman had a few hundred friends in this case. As a matter of fact, we had at least a dozen friends in common. She wasn’t wearing a bikini on her profile pic and had been on FB for at least 10 years. This was a VERY elaborate scam for sure or, maybe this was a real person. Within an hour, I had more information on this very attractive woman and, decided to accept her friend request. Nothing easier to do, right?

We started messaging each other the very next day. Over the next few days, we discovered that chatting with each other flowed easily and decided to meet in person. Both of us being overly cautious, we decided to keep it to a drink at first. We each had our own car, expecting to have to make some lame excuse to cut the date short after another inevitably disappointing evening. We had both played the games. We both knew it would probably lead to nothing. We’d both spent years working on ourselves, trying to become the person we’d want to be with. There’s no way we’d meet that person in this small town, certainly not this easily.

We met in the parking lot and, she was as stunning in person as her best pictures! (more so, actually) As she introduced herself, I found her voice sounded like an angel’s to my ears. I could easily listen to her talk all night if she would let me. We sat on the patio of the restaurant and tried to keep our conversation to small talk. You don’t want to reveal too much on a first date. The back-and-forth was too easy though. We ended up talking about anything and everything. One drink turned into three and, some appetizers later, the restaurant closed and the waitress asked us to leave. We had both craved something like this for so long though, neither one of us wanted it to end so early(it was only 11:30pm after all). I suggested a walk on the boardwalk ( I skipped over the part where we stole some wedding tricks on our way from the restaurant) and headed over to the marina where I’d just bought a boat almost as old as me. We had another drink on the boat and continued talking. I don’t remember it ever being this easy and natural. Well, not since I was 10 anyway.

It’s funny. She lives 3 blocks from me. Just like Annie did. I remember the first time that we went for a walk. I told her that I would meet her at her place and we would walk from there. Her response was that she’d meet me halfway.

I’ve been going through life, trying to change and adapt the way I love to suit changing times and ages, expectations and roles. At each point in my life, I’ve been sure that I had love figured out (even if a little late sometimes). You know, I think I had it right when I was younger. I know Annie wasn’t the one for me. What I mean is, truly loving the right person is easy and innocent. It’s never something you need to figure out. It’s something innate. Maybe the lesson in life isn’t about how to love but, how to appreciate it. We need to spend some time in the desert before we can truly value that tall glass of water. Once we realize how rare that easy love is though, that’s when we truly cherish it. It never really changed at all.

—

This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.

***

You Might Also Like These From The Good Men Project

Compliments Men Want to Hear More Often

Relationships Aren’t Easy, But They’re Worth It

The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex

..A Man’s Kiss Tells You Everything

—

Photo credit: Shutterstock