How Soon Can I Ask for Exclusivity?

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Transcript provided by YouTube. Slightly edited with AI.

I think there are very sinister manipulators out there, but there are also many unconscious people who run around doing a lot of damage because they’re just looking for a thrill. They often lack the emotional maturity, discipline, or ability to truly open up to a relationship.

The Three Relationships

Before we get into today’s episode, many of you might not know that every Friday, I write a private email to my mailing list that is, dare I say, quite good. I put a lot of effort into it. It contains private writings that I don’t share anywhere else—philosophies and strategies that can help you with the three relationships that control the quality of our lives: our relationship with ourselves, our relationship with other people, and our relationship with life itself.

The email I send out each week is called “The Three Relationships,” and I’ve been getting an enormous response from those who receive it. So, sign up at thethree relationships.com, and you’ll get my email straight to your inbox this Friday.

Welcome, everybody, to the Love Life podcast! I’m here with Audrey.

Hello, hello! We thought we would cover the subject of how early to ask someone if they are seeing someone else. We had a question from one of our Love Life members, and you answered it beautifully during your coaching session. I thought we could discuss parts of your answer today.

This member asked, “Can I ask someone if they’re seeing someone else after only two dates?” Where does this instinct come from?

The Instinct to Ask

It’s very common and a very human instinct to want to ask that question two dates in, especially if we’ve decided we like someone. If they’re attractive and what we’ve been looking for, we start to feel something already. We imagine what it could be and think, “I don’t want them to be with anyone else. I just want them to be mine.”

Your take on this is similar to mine, which is that this instinct can be dangerous at this stage. It’s common because we’ve decided we like someone and worry that if they continue dating others, they might meet someone they like more. This feeling comes from a place of fear: we don’t want to lose them.

The Reality of Early Dating

However, we often project a lot of stories and future scenarios that aren’t grounded in reality. How well do you really know someone after two dates, even if those dates were amazing?

We forget how much projection is happening. We don’t truly know someone at that stage. By date four, we might find ourselves uninterested in them.

You’re essentially meeting someone’s representative in those early stages. For example, I think back to our second date, and who I was then is so different from who I am now.

Misleading Appearances

Remember when you ordered cheesy pasta and didn’t eat any of it? I’ve seen you devour a lot of cheesy pasta since then, so that was misleading!

In early dating, we’re often nervous or guarded. We might not be vulnerable enough. We tend to put on a show, and we’re not really the people we will become in later stages.

That instinct to lock someone down often stems from the feeling that we’ve made a unique connection, and that connection is rare. But that feeling alone is not sustainable for a long-term relationship.

The Challenge of Physical Intimacy

The challenge becomes even harder for many once physical intimacy is involved. For some, this happens very quickly—on the first or second night. Immediately, there’s this urge: “I want this to be serious; I want to ensure they’re not seeing anyone else.” This can introduce a whole new set of complications.

The Myth of Connection

I’ve been guilty of this too, and we often hear people justify staying in situations where they’re not treated well by saying, “We have such a great connection.” They remember dates filled with laughter and fun, creating a narrative that the connection must mean something.

When it feels electric, it’s hard not to assign it high value. But how do we reconcile that?

People assume that if they feel a strong connection, the other person must feel the same way. They think, “They must want the same things I want from this situation.”

Reality Check

The truth is, if someone is not making you a priority—like leaving you on read for five days—it doesn’t necessarily indicate mutual feelings.

There was an email that came in from a listener that connects to what you’re saying. A few months ago, she met a guy at a birthday party, and they instantly hit it off. However, he doesn’t live in Salt Lake, where she does. They hung out a few times and have kept in touch, but she’s feeling conflicted about moving to be closer to him.

Casual Connections

What concerns me about her situation is that while they had that initial connection, their ongoing contact seems casual. They’ve only seen each other when their paths have crossed. That doesn’t indicate a strong enough foundation to make a life-altering decision.

When she considers moving to where he lives, it feels like she’s projecting a fantasy onto a situation that hasn’t developed into anything significant.

The Symbolism of Geographic Decisions

This kind of geographic decision symbolizes what often happens in our heads when we elevate a casual dynamic into something serious before it has truly developed. It shows how we quickly build expectations based on initial feelings rather than reality.

If you’re considering making a big life change based on a casual connection, you need to ask yourself if the other person is equally invested.

Different Levels of Intentionality

We have to acknowledge that people come to the table with different levels of intentionality and beliefs about relationships. You can have amazing connections with people without wanting a relationship.

But doesn’t an amazing connection make you want a relationship?

Not necessarily. A relationship requires discipline, structure, and intentionality—qualities that don’t always come with a strong feeling of connection.

The Difference Between Connection and Commitment

Connection can feel wonderful, much like a fun trip to Disney World, but building a relationship is akin to starting a business. The latter requires effort and intentional investment.

While a magical experience can happen in dating, it doesn’t mean that it will lead to a lasting relationship.

Many people go on dates seeking connection, but that doesn’t mean they want to build something meaningful. It’s crucial to recognize this difference.

Connection can be intoxicating, but it’s important to distinguish between wanting to feel something and wanting to build something. Remember, just because a connection feels real doesn’t mean it’s a foundation for a relationship.

Connections and Intentions

I’m not saying that a fleeting connection means nothing. You can have an incredible moment with someone that lasts just for a night. Who hasn’t experienced that?

Remember when we went to the wine region of Los Olivos in California? We spent two amazing hours at a small wine tasting room with a guy running it. It was an incredible experience, but it’s not like I’m still in touch with him now. I’m not sure about you, but it was special for that moment.

There are plenty of dates like that where I feel a certain romanticism, even if I wasn’t looking for something long-term. Those moments exist just as they are.

The Dilemma of Intentionality

So, if that’s the case, what does it mean for people who say, “This is a great connection, but I don’t want anything serious”? Are you suggesting that all those people have zero intentionality for a relationship? Or do they sometimes feel a connection but switch from seeing a relationship prospect to just enjoying the evening for what it is?

I think that can happen. Sometimes, it can stem from their own unavailability or a perfectionism they chase. They might authentically enjoy the connection they feel, but they struggle to let it develop because of their internal standards. They may think, “Yes, but they don’t quite have this,” or “They aren’t what I envisioned.”

Perfectionism and Connection

This perfectionism can manifest in countless ways—like physical attributes, age, or lifestyle choices. While it may feel personal, it’s really just based on their specific blueprint for what they want. Many people get a sense of feeling at home with someone, but they can be too wrapped up in their ideal to truly be present.

The Retreat Invitation

Sorry to interrupt, but I want to share something important! We only have 35 spots left for my live retreat in Florida this September from the 9th to the 15th. If you want to dive deeper into your story and work on the things that matter most to you, this is the place to be. It’s a unique opportunity this year, so visit MHretreat.com to grab one of those spots before they’re gone. I hope to see you there!

The Drama of Connection

People enjoy those moments for what they are, but then often return to that perfectionist mindset. Another archetype is the person who thrives on the drama of the connection, thinking it makes the date more fun. But this doesn’t mean everyone who enjoys this dynamic is a love bomber.

There’s a distinction here. While some are conscious manipulators, others may unintentionally cause damage because they seek excitement without emotional maturity or the discipline to follow through.

Understanding Real Connections

When someone hypes the connection in the early stages, it’s often rooted in idealism. A real relationship involves getting to know each other deeply—flaws and vulnerabilities included. Early connections can feel dramatic and exhilarating, but they may not be as substantial as they seem.

This is similar to a scene in *Good Will Hunting*, where Matt Damon’s character hesitates to get to know a woman better, fearing he’ll discover she isn’t perfect. Robin Williams’ character points out that maybe he fears losing the perfect version of himself he’s projecting.

The Allure of Unavailability

Emotionally unavailable people can be alluring during those first encounters. They can appear charming and confident, as there’s no real investment or vulnerability involved. In this early stage, connections may feel deep, but often, they lack true substance.

You and I share a love for Studio Ghibli films, which shows how little details can create significant feelings early on. You might meet someone who loves the same movies, and it can feel like a meaningful connection. But remember, just because someone shares your interests doesn’t mean they are necessarily deep or compatible.

Superficiality in Connections

There are plenty of superficial individuals out there who also enjoy those films. Just because someone shares your passions doesn’t mean they will resonate on a deeper level. Life is about finding what you’re passionate about and pursuing it, but it’s essential to look beyond surface connections.

I’m not saying that moments mean nothing. You can have a feeling with someone that’s awesome, even if it lasts just for a night. Who hasn’t had a memorable moment? Remember when we went to the wine region, Los Olivos, in California? We spent two amazing hours at a small wine tasting room with a guy running the place. It was fantastic, but I’m not in touch with him now. It was special for that moment.

There are plenty of dates like that where I can be romantic about the experience because I wasn’t looking for something long-term. It existed just as it was. However, when we go on dates, we sometimes have to be less romantic about those moments. If that’s the case, are you saying that all those people who feel a great connection but don’t want something serious have zero intention for a relationship?

Or do you think it’s possible to feel a connection without seeing it as long-term? Sometimes, you switch from relationship prospect to just enjoying the evening, knowing deep down that there’s no real intention with that person. This can happen from their side as well—a kind of unavailability stemming from perfectionism. They might chase an ideal and not allow themselves to truly engage because they’re too focused on what they think they want.

The Illusion of Compatibility

People often get a sense of feeling at home with someone, but they’re too wrapped up in their perfect ideal to be present with the person in front of them.

Speaking of connections, we only have 35 spaces left for my live retreat in Florida this September from the 9th to the 15th. If you want to spend six days with me working on your story and addressing deeper issues, this is your chance! Go to MHretreat.com to grab one of those spots before they’re gone.

Enjoying the Moment

People enjoy their connection for what it is, but then revert to that perfectionist mindset. Another archetype might revel in the drama of that initial connection, knowing it makes the date more exciting. Not everyone who amplifies the connection is a manipulator, but there is a spectrum. Some people may unintentionally engage in love bombing, not realizing the damage they cause by seeking thrills instead of emotional maturity.

When someone hyped the connection early on, it often creates an idealized version of each other. A real relationship involves understanding each other’s flaws, vulnerabilities, and the true self over time. Many initial connections feel dramatic and exciting, but they may not last.

The Danger of Rushing

We should remember that if someone feels an incredible connection early on, it might be superficial. If someone is so charismatic and attractive that it blinds you to deeper issues, it’s worth questioning. When we focus solely on whether someone likes us, we forget to ask ourselves if we genuinely like them.

If, after two dates, they seem to have made the sale, it’s important to consider how they did that so quickly. Often, the answer will be superficial—charisma, looks, or shared interests that may not indicate a deeper compatibility.

Balancing Expectations

If you’re two dates in and feel the need to ask about exclusivity, it can come off as insecure, projecting a fear of losing a good thing. Wanting to lock someone down right away sends the message that you’re coming from a place of scarcity. Instead, consider whether you truly enjoy spending time with them and if the connection feels solid.

When you’re ready to discuss exclusivity, frame it positively. Use light, positive language and express that you enjoy your time together. It’s about sharing your vision without putting pressure on the other person.

Remember, it’s essential to maintain a sense of ease in these conversations. You’re both exploring a potential connection, and it’s okay to reserve the right to walk away if things aren’t aligning. If you find yourself anxious about the conversation, it may indicate that something isn’t right—whether it’s too soon to ask or that they’re not making you feel comfortable.

So let’s not put anyone on a pedestal; they don’t have power over your happiness. You survived just fine without them before you met.

Let us know your thoughts about this episode! Email us at [email protected] and share your feedback—good or bad. Just make sure to put “Get in my jar” in the subject line.

And don’t forget to check out our free guide at boldstandards.com. It’s the first of its kind we’ve released in years, and it’s filled with valuable insights. Join my newsletter at the3relationships.com, and I’ll see you in your inbox this Friday. Take care and love life!

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This post was previously published on YouTube.

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