Throughout my adolescence and in my twenties, I often had that feeling of not being well-liked. I’m a shy introvert, and for people like me, it can be challenging to connect with others.
I only open up with people I know well. If you meet me for the first time, you might think I’m distant or not interested in talking to you. The reality is, I’m simply shy.
So, until the age of twenty-five, I’ve struggled a bit with my shyness, as I always saw it as a limit, and I always made an effort to overcome it. To give a good first impression and hide my shy side, I always tried to be extremely kind to everyone. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn’t.
After twenty-five years I finally came to a wise conclusion:
It’s not that people don’t like you. There will always be someone you’re not compatible with — and it’s ok. You can be yourself.
The lesson I learned is clear. You can’t make everyone like you.
The good news is building a deeper connection with others is something everyone can learn — if this shy Italian girl did it, then you can too.
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If you ask people what is the key to be more likable, the first thing they will probably mention is the importance of actively listening. And I agree, good listeners are usually successful at connecting with others.
I met only a few people who don’t have the urge to talk about themselves all the time — as most people do. It’s not that they don’t share their thoughts or experience. They do have a story to tell, but they do it at the right time. A conversation with them is always balanced.
And I’ve noticed something interesting: I usually enjoy their company and want to spend more time with them.
However, being a good listener alone is not what makes someone more likable. There’s much more to it. The key to making people truly appreciate you is to combine the willingness to listen with two essential habits.
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1. Give your undivided attention.
Imagine you’re talking to someone who is paying attention to every single word coming out of your mouth. They nod and seem interested in the topic.
They don’t talk over you and sometimes they ask questions — which makes you think they are truly absorbed in the conversation. You might think, “Wow, this person is genuinely interested in what I have to say. It seems we’re on the same page!”
Yet you see them glancing at their phone from time to time. Or you catch them occasionally looking around to see if there’s someone they know.
Now you feel they’re not 100% there with you. What seemed a great conversation at the beginning suddenly turns into a monologue, because deep down you know they’re not really paying attention.
See, you can be the best listener in the world, but a slip like quickly checking your phone or breaking eye contact too frequently can make you come across as not interested or focused on the conversation.
If you want others to enjoy your company and value it, always make an effort to give your undivided attention to them. There are a few practical ways to do it.
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Put your phone away.
I see this all the time, couples or groups of people sitting at the same table in a restaurant or in a bar, completely absorbed by their devices, mindlessly scrolling their Facebook and Instagram feeds, instead of enjoying each other’s company and talking.
Even worse, sometimes I see one person wisely putting away their phone, twiddling their thumbs, and waiting to have a normal conversation, while the rest of the group have their eyes glued to a screen.
And I always wonder if they realize what they’re missing.
As mentioned before, your undivided attention is a key ingredient to create a deep connection with others. So, put your phone away — because the temptation to check the notifications is always right around the corner.
Do it in front of the person you’re talking to while looking at them in the eyes.
With this simple gesture, you send a clear message,
“I’m listening to you. I’m removing any distraction because I want to focus only on our conversation. Your words are important to me.”
Imagine you are in a bar with a friend and want to tell them something important. Now imagine hearing them saying those very words. How would you feel?
I don’t know you, but I would simply feel good. I would feel listened to and cared for.
Simply putting your phone away — or simply removing any distraction — has the same powerful effect of those words.
On the other hand, things like checking Whatsapp while having lunch with a friend is like telling them,
“Hey, I’ know we’re having lunch together and you’re talking to me, but I can’t help checking my notifications. It’s more important to me at this moment.”
During our interactions with others, we always have the option to choose which action to take and which words to use. And it’s usually easy to recognize the right thing to do. It’s just common sense.
When you are talking to someone, nothing prevents you from being present and putting your phone in your bag.
“Is there really something more important than being fully present right now?”
Ask yourself this question next time you’re talking to someone.
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Use your eyes wisely.
Another important part of successful communication has to do with your eyes. I can’t stress this enough: eye contact is far too important to ignore.
Being a shy introvert, I’ve always struggled with this one. However, when I talk to someone and they break eye contact I feel they’re not really there with me. So I understand the importance of looking at others in the eyes and I consistently make an effort to do it.
If you are making eye contact but look away every five seconds — to see if there’s someone you know around, for example — it’s clear you’re not focusing on your interlocutor’s words.
Maybe you just do it out of nervousness. But the message you’re sending is, “I’m not fully listening to you. I’m just listening to a few keywords, just in case you ask me questions. Oh, and I’m already thinking about what to say next.”
Look at your interlocutor in their eyes instead.
If you are like me, making eye contact might feel not so natural. If this resonates with you, here’s a good habit to get yourself into if you find it difficult to look at someone in the eyes.
To overcome what they call eye contact anxiety, try to look at a spot between the other person’s eyes, or at their nose. It usually works and makes you appear more confident.
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Quality questions spark interest. Use them!
When someone asks me about my job or my passions, I feel the conversation is easy and pleasant.
Part of showing your undivided attention to someone when you’re with them is asking quality questions.
When you do it, you gather more information about the other person and understand more of what you are listening, so you can better contribute to your interactions and relationship with them.
Asking quality questions shows that you are genuinely interested in your interlocutor’s words, that you are listening to every detail of what they’re saying and that you are truly engaging in the conversation.
Intelligent questions make interactions pleasant and stimulating, are always good food for thought and help others see things from different perspectives.
Do you want others to like you? Great. So, remember this: make sure interacting with you is pleasant and adds value to the other person’s life. Because it almost all boils down to this.
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Names, names, names.
“Remember that a person’s name is to that person, the sweetest and most important sound in any language”
— Dale Carnegie
Five years ago, I spent a trimester in Los Angeles to attend an advanced English course. There was a Starbucks next to my school, and I went there every day (I’m addicted to coffee).
The baristas were always extremely kind, and very busy as well, as there were always many customers. So, I couldn’t interact much with them.
However, I noticed something that impressed me. The first day I walked in, they asked my name so they could write it on my cup. From the second day onwards, they simply asked, “Your name is Sara, isn’t it?”
I loved that. It was nice to see how some busy baristas — to whom I was a complete stranger — took the time to learn and memorize my name between an espresso and a cappuccino. Something like that always brightens up the day.
The point is this: if you want to truly connect with people, one of the best habits you can build — if you haven’t already — is memorizing names. Once I read on Forbes that the easiest way to memorize a name is by repeating it. And it’s true, I tried it many times and it worked.
When you meet someone for the first time and they introduce themselves, repeat their name.
“Nice to meet you, I’m Thomas!” “Nice to meet you too, Thomas, I’m Mary.”
It sounds natural to the other person, it’s pleasant to hear and helps you remember their name. A good trick is to repeat it during the conversation. “Do you live far from here, Thomas?”
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2. Let go of your instinct to judge.
Lately, I have wondered why there are some people I feel so connected to. When I’m with them I feel at ease.
If I think back to the last time I interacted with one of those people, the first thing that pops up in my mind is how I felt. I could be myself without the need of wearing a mask because I knew they just wouldn’t judge me.
The reason I felt that way is I never heard them talking badly about others.
So I felt the freedom to show the most authentic version of myself with no fear of what they could think. And it made me feel good.
See, there are too many people out there that would judge you simply for how you are dressed, or other trivial things. Or that constantly criticize others in front of you — and they do it carefully behind their backs. Consequently, you don’t feel comfortable opening up with them.
So when you meet someone who never makes negative remarks, it’s a breath of fresh air.
Having your opinion about what others do is completely normal. And it’s ok — as long as you don’t criticize others. We all make very fast judgments about people. It’s how our brain is wired.
However, getting rid of the instinct to judge is what allows us to connect with others on a deeper level.
It’s all about understanding that you don’t always know what’s behind other people’s actions and decisions. In fact, I would say that 99% of the time, you have no clue of that.
Learning to be less judgmental is difficult. Yet it’s one of the things that make others appreciate you and value their time with you.
Because when people see you don’t have the habit of criticizing, and don’t have an opinion about others’ personal choices, they feel they can show their authentic self around you. They won’t feel threatened by your potential negative opinion.
Remember this: Being able to appreciate others without judging their past or present choices is essential to earn their trust. When you don’t judge, you open yourself to developing deeper and stronger relationships with people.
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Final thoughts
Being a great listener is essential, but it’s not everything. There’s more to it.
If you want to build meaningful relationships and make people truly appreciate you, it’s essential to combine good listening skills with your undivided attention and a non-judgemental attitude.
Here’s the thing about truly connecting with people and make them like you, it all comes down to how you behave around others. And, contrary to what you might think, it’s something under your control.
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Previously published on “Hello, Love”, a Medium publication.
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Photo credit: Alexandru Zdrobău on Unsplash