How would you like your partner to be different? Would you like them to respect you more? How about more sex? Do you want them to be less critical of you? Less irritable? Less demanding? More attentive to your needs?
You could try to reason with them, show them where they are clearly wrong, and politely request that they change. Or you could use a sneaky approach and subtly try to manipulate them. Or you could try an aggressive tack—demand they change by complaining, blaming and shaming, or threatening to leave if they don’t treat you differently. Or go into a passive waiting game, do nothing and expect them to make the changes you think they should make.
None of this will work. More than likely, actions like these will only leave you frustrated and make them upset, defensive, and less likely to alter their behavior. The only way to induce them to change is for you to change.
Start by paying attention to what your partner’s behavior is trying to tell you. Don’t dismiss the way they are acting toward you as merely “irrational bitchiness,” manipulation or nit-picking. Rather than assuming that they are the one who needs fixing, see their increased irritation, boredom, criticism and demands as a way they are communicating with you.
Ask yourself, “What are they trying to tell me?” They may be letting you know where you need to wake up and make changes. Their behavior may be saying, You are not treating me respectfully. You are not present with me. You are not acting with integrity. You are not being the man you have the potential to be.
Take seriously your partner’s displeasure. Their feelings stem from their perception of what behavior you need to change in order for them to feel more loved by you. Their behavior may be indications of how you can come more fully into your masculine power.
Evaluate, as best and unbiased as you can, the truth of those perceptions of theirs. If you see where they are correct, make appropriate changes. Your sincere effort to be a better man and more loving partner will inspire changes in the way your partner treats you. That’s the way you change them.
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This post is republished on Agents of Change on Medium.
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