According to Esther Perel, we need two things in relationships: stability — knowing your partner has your back — and desire.
Unfortunately, stability suffocates desire. But what creates desire? Risk.
We have a lot of risk at the start of a relationship. What if your heart is broken, and the other person does not like you as much as you do them? Is this the right one? Are you squandering your time?
In the early stages of romance, there is a thrill of the chase. It’s exciting and gives you butterflies, as well as the intoxicating feeling of love. Love triumphs over all.
This new love high usually lasts one to two years, after which we settle in and become at ease with the stability of the relationship.
While stability is important and necessary for a relationship’s success, it is not exciting. We have a house to maintain and bills to pay. This isn’t the enticing aspect of being in a relationship. We may not always agree on everything, which can add stress and strain to the relationship.
Is Being Bored in a Relationship Normal?
It is completely normal to become bored in your relationship at some point, and it is not your fault.
We put in a lot of effort to find the one. What happens when we find the person who completes us? Of course, we live happily ever after in a blissful state of union. This is what fairytales and Hollywood have taught us. Most of us were never taught how to keep a relationship going, and we didn’t have great role models to show us how to keep the romance and passion alive.
Why Do Relationships Become Boring Over Time?
We often put forth so much effort in the beginning of a relationship to woo our potential partner, planning activities, experiences, and even surprises for one another. We go out to eat and talk for hours because we have so much to share and learn about each other. We have interesting conversations about everything, inhaling and soaking in each other’s essence.
Then there’s life. We settle into our daily lives and routines, perhaps with the addition of a couple of children, and the busyness of life allows us to easily put our most important relationship on the back burner.
Date nights are now limited to dinner and a movie, if we leave the house at all. I get it, you’ve worked hard all week, and planning a date night probably seems overwhelming, so putting on your pjs, ordering takeout, and watching Netflix seems like the easiest option.
Most people associate the words date or dating with single people who are dating and looking for that special someone. We rarely consider anything other than the fact that we should never stop dating our spouse or long-term partner.
When couples stop dating each other, many relationships become routine and boring. That’s all there is to it.
Giving your relationship time scraps can lead to its demise. It’s very easy to be intentional in the beginning of a relationship, but if you don’t pay attention to it, it’s very easy to fall into a relationship rut.
How Long Before a Relationship Becomes Boring?
Everyone has heard of the 7-year itch. The estimated time when a couple’s happiness declines.
Every couple is unique, and it all comes down to how interesting you keep your relationship. If you quickly fall into a relationship rut of doing the same boring things, you will lose interest in your relationship. However, if you are committed to avoiding this routine and are intentional about maintaining the desire in your relationship, you can avoid becoming bored for the most part.
Relationships have ebbs and flows, and there will be times when your relationship will be more interesting. The issue arises when your relationship becomes stagnant for an extended period of time.
According to most relationship studies, romantic love fades over time and we lose the butterflies we once had. Dr. Arthur Aron of the University of New York at Stony Brook discovered in a relationship study that novelty or trying new things can create chemical surges of courtship and can significantly increase relationship satisfaction when practiced consistently.
Life is messy, and even the best relationships can become stale and boring at times; this is completely normal. You won’t have to abandon your relationship if you’re aware of it and have a plan in place to get out of it when you notice it.
What To Do When It Happens
Of course, make a date! I enjoy surprise dates. In fact, I advise my clients to do so. Make a monthly commitment to plan one surprise date for your partner and have them plan one for you.
An interactive date is preferred. When you go out to eat, you’ll have something to talk about, the new experience you’ve just shared.
When was the last time you had a truly memorable conversation? A conversation that does not revolve around work or the kids?
Keep it light by asking, “If you had a superpower, what would it be?” or something a little deeper, such as “If today was our last time together, what would you want me to know?” These probing questions help you learn more about your partner and them learn more about you.
The benefit of taking turns planning dates for each other is that the age-old question, “What do you want to do tonight?” is eliminated. which is typically followed by “I’m not sure, what do you want to do?” Then, after 45 minutes of deliberation, you may decide to do nothing.
This is the surprise date’s secret sauce. There will be no debate or resistance if you simply tell your date when to arrive and what to wear. No dismissing your date suggestions. Simply adding novelty and doing something different together can boost connection and romance.
You get to give the gift of adventure and surprise once a month, and you get to sit back, relax, and enjoy the date once a month.
No problem if you’re on a tight budget. There are numerous options for free date ideas. Some of my favorites include making a tent over your bed, going on a scavenger hunt, and learning to dance using free YouTube videos.
Last Thoughts
When your relationship becomes stale, you may believe that the easy solution is to find a new one that is more exciting, but this is only a temporary fix.
If you repeat your old patterns in your new relationship, you’ll find yourself in the same situation months or years later.
While relationships require effort, they are extremely rewarding when they are successful. My wish for you is that you build an amazing relationship and never settle for a mediocre one.
Relationship innovation is the key to avoiding boredom and ensuring that you have a relationship that will last a lifetime.
Create the relationship of your dreams by intentionally incorporating novelty and surprise into your date nights. You’ll be glad you did!
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Henri Pham on Unsplash
