How to Get an Avoidant to Commit

If you’ve ever dated someone with avoidant attachment, you know what an emotional rollercoaster it can be.

They seem interested, but they’re emotionally unavailable.

They get close to you, only to pull away.

They give you hope, but they’re never really consistent.

And once you fall in love with them, you start to wonder: “How do I get an avoidant to commit?”

First, here’s a dose of reality:

You can’t force an avoidant to commit.

What you can do is take steps that might make someone with avoidant attachment feel comfortable enough to commit. Here’s what you can do.

1. Understand the Avoidant’s Fears

This is the most important key to getting an avoidant to commit. If you don’t understand their fears, you’ll never understand why getting into a relationship can feel scary to them.

Avoidants are afraid of feeling trapped. They’re afraid of losing freedom and control. They’re afraid of being needed and having expectations put on them. They’re afraid of being hurt.

When it comes down to it, avoidants aren’t afraid of love. What they’re afraid of is commitment, which is why loving an avoidant can be so complicated.

2. Talk About What You Want (Without Adding Pressure)

It’s important to be honest and upfront with the avoidant. Let them know what you’re looking for, but don’t add too much pressure.

“I’m looking for a relationship, but I’m not in a rush. What are you looking for?”
“I don’t want to move too fast, but I am looking for commitment.”
“I am dating with intention. There’s no pressure, but a commitment is my end-goal.”

It’s good for the avoidant to know your long-term expectations. At the end of the day, you owe it to yourself to be in the type of relationship you’re looking for — with or without them.

3. Give Them Space

When an avoidant pulls away, you might find yourself looking for ways to close the gap between you. This can lead you to text more, explain harder, and “love harder.” Our gut instinct may be that showing the avoidant how much they mean to us will make them come back around.

The reality? For someone with an avoidant attachment style, desperation comes across as high-pressure.

To you, trying harder can feel like you’re proving how much you love them. But to the avoidant, it can feel like they’re trapped with no way to escape. (This can sometimes lead to ghosting, at least temporarily.)

Avoidants are more likely to commit to someone who feels emotionally safe, grounded, and stable — not someone who’s trying to convince them to be with them.

A lot of the time, the avoidant will back off until you calm down. Showing signs of emotional steadiness is far more likely to lead to commitment. So when the avoidant pulls away, the best thing you can do is give them space.

4. Match Their Effort

It’s not uncommon for the avoidant to pull back and go M.I.A. completely. Honestly? It tends to be a cycle.

When the avoidant comes back around, many people make the mistake of trying to love them harder. A lot of people assume that if you are sweeter, show more patience, and make more effort, they’ll want to stick around this time.

But then the cycle repeats. And there are two reasons for that:

The avoidant will recognize that you’re trying to be on your best behavior, which can feel a whole lot like pressure and expectations; and
By trying harder after they come back around, you’re showing them that they can pull away and then get rewarded for bad behavior.

When the avoidant pulls away from you, it’s important not to chase them OR try harder. Your best bet is to match their energy.

Instead of rewarding them when they pull away, reward them when they’re consistent. That will encourage them to make the right efforts.

5. Don’t Accept the Bare Minimum

Not accepting the bare minimum is important for your own sake, but it’s key to encouraging them to commit to you.

Consistency is the bare minimum.

The avoidant will come and go as they please, but only if you let them. Accepting the bare minimum doesn’t leave room for commitment. Why would they commit if they don’t have to?

Lay out your expectations for a relationship. Let them know you require consistency and that you won’t accept hot-and-cold behavior.

Letting them know your needs isn’t an ultimatum. It’s a relationship requirement. The avoidant will realize that they have to give you more than the bare minimum if you don’t accept it.

Don’t Fall Into a Situationship With An Avoidant

It can be easy to fall into a situationship with an avoidant. If you love them, you won’t want to let them go. But it’s important to put your own needs first. If you want to be in a committed relationship, it’s important to let the avoidant know what you will and won’t tolerate.

In some cases, they might choose to walk away, and honestly? It’s not your job to encourage someone to commit to you. You deserve a love that’s effortless and comes easy. If the avoidant is unwilling to change, hold your ground and move on.

If it’s meant to be, the avoidant will realize what they need to do to make it work. And if it’s not meant to be, it will make space for someone who’s emotionally able to commit to you.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.