Friends are like chewing gum. Once you hang with them, you stick with them. As a kid, making friends is natural. You are on the playground, and a girl or boy asks you to play hide and seek. Simple as it sounds. You start sharing toys, secrets and soon enough, the little boy or girl is your friend. Time, social status, your economic background, or your age are pointless factors. Adult relationships look different.
A study in Finnland found out that the number of friends we make after 55 decreases drastically. People are most likely to make friends under the age of 25. However, at the age of 25, the number reaches its peak and drops for both sexes.
Our new report suggests that 36% of all Americans — including 61% of young adults and 51% of mothers with young children — feel “serious loneliness.” Not surprisingly, loneliness appears to have increased substantially since the outbreak of the global pandemic. — Harvard
A report by Harvard concludes that young adults took a hit from loneliness during the pandemic. The lack of social activity and physical contact might be one reason why we feel lonely. But is the pandemic the only reason? Did we have friends before? Or did we tell ourselves a common lie of popularity?
The trap of popularity
Most people fall into the trap of popularity in school. Middle and high school are the playing fields for adolescence. Friendships influence us for good and bad. Having friends boosts our confidence. The trap of popularity is equal among the sexes. No matter what, you want to be popular. We try hard to impress the ones we consider popular. What about the elite group of popular girls or the cool guys everyone looks up to? It is common sense to aspire to be like them and ultimately to be liked and accepted for who you are. The first part might be easy. The last part is hard to sustain. We know how narrow the line is between being ourselves and being impressing our friends. School, college, university, and many other enviroments, we thrive for popularity. Social Media is just one among the many examples of our wish for popularity.
Why want people to be popular?
There are many reasons, far more than I can list in this article. Think about yourself. Why did you want to be popular? Why do you want to be popular? Do just like to be liked? Do you aspire to be the center of attention? Do you want to be accepted? Approved of?
People also crave fame because they want power, status, and wealth; No one wants to be treated like a nobody, like they’re unimportant, or powerless, and this is why almost every other person wants to become famous; this is what makes fame so desirable. —Amir Yawari
Amir Yawari describes it best in his story Why Everyone Wants to Be Famous (and why it’s a problem). Fame and popularity are often directly linked to each other. Therefore the reasoning is often similar. People aspire to be popular and famous. You will find hardly anyone who would say no to an opportunity. When we grow up, the sense of popularity chances. The clinical child and adolescent psychologist Mitch Prinstein, Ph.D. describes two different types of popularity. Children experience popularity as likeability, whereas adolescence thrives for status.
That’s right, in fact in high school if you remember which kids were kind of the coolest, that had the highest status, research says that at least half of the kids in school did not like them at all, in fact they hated them. But that didn’t mean that they didn’t regard them as being cool nevertheless. And the same thing happens in adulthood. We know that there are some people who have really high status, they are powerful and dominant and even aggressive, and we can acknowledge that, but that doesn’t mean we necessarily find them to be making us happy, feeling valued or included. We don’t like them. — Mitch Prinstein, PhD
Where does this leave us?
Well, we are not so far of from the beginning of this article. Friendships and popularity are often thrown in the same box, even though they mean something completely different Mitch Prinstein Ph.D. concludes. Especially when we grow up, we are drawn to the dominant, powerful, and aggressive people.
Escaping the trap of popularity
You got in by yourself, so you escape by yourself. Far away from the truth, most people stay trapped. They stick to the chewing gum friends. They are happy with the ones they are with despite the pain and struggle they cause. Escaping the trap of popularity derives from letting go. You gotta let go before you start all over again. Starting all over again? Yes, you heard it right. Stop running your friendships in default, switch to consciousness. Prinstein refers to a study that showed that the “cool kids” are more likely to develop depression, anxiety, addictions, and relationships in their adulthood. Maybe you know some of the cool kids who aren’t cool anymore.
Escaping the trap of popularity means escaping yourself. Who are you, and who do you wish to be? Those are only two questions that you gotta ask yourself. Referring to an old saying that “you are who you hang with” gives you hint. If you’re lucky, your parents were picky with who you played with. They evaluated your company before they approved of a play date. Who is that kid? Is he or she from a good family? Do I want my kid to play with that kid? Do I harm or endanger my kid?
Rule №1 Parent yourself
Now, you’re grown up. Be your parent and evaluate your friendships just like mom and dad did it. Take care of yourself like you would take care of somebody else. Maybe you found yourself in the past picking on your friend’s relationships. “Xy is not good enough for you” or “You deserve better” are just two arguments you should use on yourself. Be honest and thrive for the better because you will become who you hang with. Choosing the right friends is important when it comes to goal setting. You won’t receive support from a careless friend who just wants to get drunk together.
The Infamous 30 Second rule
The credit goes to Jordan B. Peterson and a YouTube short that allowed me to recalibrate my relationships.
Your friends are happy when you are happy, and they are sad when you are sad.
Imagine you just received a job promotion and you call your best friend. He or she will be as happy as they can be for the new opportunity. They will ask you to celebrate and cheer up. They can not wait to see you and congratulate you in person. On the flip side, if you receive bad news, they will see and feel your pain. They will take the time to comfort and to talk to you.
The fairytale of a good friendship
As we grow older, we develop as people. The easy-going-playground friendships are a memory of the past because we are more complex. Adolescence and adults have many facets. Realistic goals are important. You will not find a friend that agrees with you on any point, but you will be able to build lifelong sustainable relationships with the people you care about. Please evaluate these people first before you call them your friends.
In-depth explanation Choose Your Friends Carefully | Jordan Peterson
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Previously Published on medium
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