In our patriarchal world men aren’t supposed to be insecure. So they try desperately to hide it when they are. They also aren’t supposed to be vulnerable, but vulnerability is healthy in a way insecurity isn’t. It gets complicated.
Hiding insecurity can be done so well that upon first meeting, they seem very confident and self-assured. Especially narcissists, who master the mask of the confident male. I’ve been fooled into relationships with narcissists twice because of the draw of their seeming confidence.
Men who aren’t narcissists though, have a harder time keeping the mask from slipping. Will Smith could be a current example. Insecure men try too hard.
These are some of the things insecure men will do or say sometime in the relationship.
They will be overly concerned if you don’t text or call back right away. They get even more perturbed if you don’t answer their phone calls right away.
I told one who expressed anger at me for this that he needed to date someone less busy.
I tell my clients who worry about this that people have lives. They go out to dinner, they shower, they go to the bathroom, they sleep, they fly in planes. They can’t always answer or text back quickly.
Secure people don’t panic if they don’t hear back from you immediately. Secure people are secure both within themselves and in your feelings for them. They developed Object Permanence at the correct developmental stage of 8 months old as babies, and they know you are still there even if they can’t see you.
Possessiveness and jealousy are other classic hallmarks of insecurity. If a person is secure, they don’t feel the need to possess or control their partner. More than that, people who are wildly possessive and jealous are usually cheating themselves. They can’t imagine that since they’re cheating, that other people might not cheat. If you aren’t cheating, but keep being accused of it, you begin to feel like the insecure one.
Secure people don’t worry about you cheating. If they want a monogamous relationship, they make that clear, and you either make that agreement with them or you don’t. If you don’t, they feel free to move on. Secure people understand that they can’t control another person, nor do they want to spend the energy trying.
Penis size worry is a sign of how our culture has made men insecure. In jokes and in certain erotica, size is what matters. No matter how many times we tell normal sized men that it isn’t the size of the pen, it’s how you write your name, they don’t believe it.
Or, they’re quite large and they still don’t believe the “how you write your name” part, because they’re convinced size alone makes them superior lovers. Since grandiosity is also a sign of insecurity, we can’t convince them that a large penis by itself, without the penmanship, isn’t the ride of our life.
Secure men accept their genitalia and make love with their whole bodies and minds. They create real love, as in mutual pleasure and experimentation. They aren’t self-centered or penis-centered.
Some people have Affirmations as a love language, and we all like to know what our partners love about us. However, if the need for affirmation shows up as an obsession, that’s insecurity.
When a man wants to know all the ways he’s “better” than your previous partners or lovers, that’s a concern. In bed, as talk during sex, it can be exciting. But if it persists into pillow talk, or randomly at other times, that’s an indication of insecurity.
Sexually, each experience is its own. Each partner is their own person. Comparing partners is a form of objectification. I don’t want you doing that to me, and I don’t want to do it to you. The need for comparison comes directly from insecurity.
. . .
Vulnerability, though, is different. It requires sharing with your partner your wounds from the past that still affect you. What seems like insecurity and possessiveness, might be revealed as residual pain from a former cheating partner.
What appears as a constant need for affirmation may come from a childhood where the child was never affirmed. Or was affirmed only for what they did, not for who they are.
If they were neglected as children, they still have a need for constant togetherness or communication with you to make up for the neglect. They may also have sought partners in the past who were overly attentive, or the flip — neglectful — and they’re hyper vigilant about abandonment.
All these are vulnerabilities that can be realized, treated in therapy, and shared with a lover or partner. Awareness and working on healing is the demarcation line between vulnerability and insecurity.
Insecurity arises from unhealed wounds from childhood and past relationships that aren’t realized or acknowledged. It’s fine to know this about your partner, but their insecurity will harm you if they aren’t actively working to heal. Don’ t make excuses for their insecurity, but you can be supportive when they are vulnerable with you and doing their own work to heal.
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This post was previously published on New Choices.
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