Breaking up sucks, whether you’ve dumped or been dumped. Painful breakups can send us into a dark spiral where, in severe cases, the loss is all-consuming. You can’t focus on anything but heartache and a swell of insecurity and lack of direction inevitably follows.
Last year, a friend of mine endured a nasty breakup. Her boyfriend of nine months dumped her over a text message just hours before changing his Facebook relationship status to dating somebody else. We spent weeks carefully navigating her stages of grief. When I finally thought we were making progress, I reminded her that the end of a relationship “isn’t the end of the world.”
This was the last thing she wanted to hear.
“Just because you’ve never experienced heartache before doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist,” she said. “I’m sorry we can’t all be emotionless like you.”Ironically, this hurt to hear, but I understood where she was coming from. I didn’t mean to minimize her situation. Still, a small part of me felt she was wasting her time being sad. Her ex was a jerk. She deserved better. How couldn’t she see that?
We lost touch for months until she finally called to catch up. She sounded happier than ever. She had moved into a studio apartment, was starting her own clothing brand, and was matching daily on Tinder.
“And what about Peter Pain?” I always called him.
“Peter Pain who?” she laughed. “That breakup was the best thing that ever happened to me. You were right, but I’m only saying that once.”
Once was enough. My friend found a way to leverage her messy breakup into something life-changing, and so can you.
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Reconnect with loved ones to rebuild or strengthen lasting relationships
My friend’s mother didn’t like Peter Pain either. She found him arrogant and unsociable. This undoubtedly put a wedge in their relationship. My friend couldn’t be honest about the relationship without her mother judging Peter. “Then don’t give me more reasons to judge him,” her mother always said.
After Peter dumped my friend, her mother didn’t say, “I told you so.” She was patient and kind and relieved that her daughter had another shot at true love. Their relationship flourished after that.
As tempting as it is to wallow alone in self-pity after a fresh breakup, it’s probably not productive. Call up those friends and family members you haven’t spoken to in a while but don’t talk too much about your ex. You don’t want anyone to feel like you only called them to complain.
Positive energy is vital at this point in your coping process. Keep things light. The point of reaching out isn’t to share your pain or negativity, it’s to fill your head with new stories and distractions.
Having indestructible, lasting friendships will help you rise above all obstacles in life, especially a painful breakup.
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Remember your true self through self-reflection and first dates when you’re ready
As much as we hate to admit it, relationships change us. We tend to become more introverted and less spontaneous. Healthy relationships require quality time and attention making it easy to lose sight of our individual needs.
Being single gives us more time to spend with and on ourselves. Self-reflection through journaling, meditation, therapy, or any other form of artistic expression helps ground us.
While I don’t recommend rebounding before you’re ready, I believe there are benefits of casual dating after a breakup. First dates remind us that there are more fish in the sea and we have a lot to offer. They can improve self-confidence and inspire optimism. Unlike therapy, we can’t harp on the negativity of our past relationships. Instead, we’re forced to focus on the positive aspects of our lives.
Where did you grow up? What do you like to do for fun? Where do you see yourself in five years? The most common questions asked on a first date are a great reminder of our passions and goals.
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Use your heartache as an artistic outlet
An experiment conducted by Modupe Akinola, a professor at Columbia Business School, found negative emotions lead to greater artistic creativity.
Some of the most influential writers, musicians, and actors have used their depression to leave a tangible and lasting impression on the art world. We wouldn’t have Joni Mitchell’s 1971 album Blue if she hadn’t broken up Graham Nash. That album was later inducted into the GRAMMY Hall of Fame.
Try plugging your emotions into a creative outlet. Give your heartache a new sense of purpose. You never know what you might create.
“Vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativity, and change.” -Brené Brown
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Awaken your sex drive
If you’ve lost interest in sex during a long-term relationship, you’re not alone. According to a new British study, it’s common. “Those who had been with their partner for more than a year were more likely to report a tanked sex drive than those in newer relationships.” The study suggests that low libidos can be caused by a lack of closeness or openness with a partner.
Sexologist, Tanya Koens says that sex with a new partner unlocks a different hormonal response in the body. “Limerence is the feeling you get with a new lover. When your skin contacts their skin, it sends a flush of hormones around the body,” she explains.
Whether you’re seeking sexual liberation or holding out for the next suitor, being single allows you to ask important questions about what brings you pleasure, and encourages you to explore your body for the answers.
Having the knowledge and confidence to communicate your desires might help your next relationship last longer.
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Take advantage of your new-found freedom
Make a bucket list. Download a dating app. Flirt with that cute barista. Go out for drinks with your same-sex friends. Stay out until 3 in the morning. Leave your phone at home. Fall asleep without saying goodnight. Travel solo.
Relationships are awesome but they can prevent us from doing some really cool shit. Two years ago, I booked a solo flight to Australia and ended up road-tripping from Sydney to Cairns with a complete stranger. It’s one of the greatest things I’ve ever done, and something I never would have experienced if I wasn’t traveling alone.
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Embrace change and get excited about the search
Life has a tendency of giving us exactly what we need when we need it. Sometimes it’s difficult to see the silver lining after a painful breakup. Maybe you were neglecting someone important in your life. Maybe you were neglecting yourself. Maybe you were missing out on an epic trip you could only experience as a single person.
“The secret of change is to focus all your energy not on fighting the old, but on building the new.” -Socrates
The only thing scarier than change is never changing at all. The end of one relationship should be a beautiful and unpredictable beginning of another. You just have to be willing to see it.
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This post was previously published on Hello, Love.
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