How to Overcome Your Insecurities of Not Being Enough

 

It is a scary idea. Ugly, even.

By “it,” I mean the painful, dreadful idea that you are probably not good enough.

And I believe your imagination is, ironically, good enough at finding adjectives other than “good” to fill in the blanks. Adjectives like, “smart, tall, pretty, rich …etc.”

But I bet you had thought of it and almost believed it one night when you were feeling vulnerable and weak.

I believe you did because you are a human.

You will find many cheesy articles here and there telling you that you are perfect the way you are.

And while that is what you want (and desperately need) to hear, a small part of you can’t fully believe it.

After all, if you’d been perfect the way you are, you shouldn’t have worried about not being enough.

You will also find articles where the writers claim they are giving you hard, ugly truths. You are not perfect; you are not enough. And that you will never be enough. And you have to live with that!

But again, a small part of you can’t believe this, too. This little part understands that you can’t live with yourself this way. That you have things that make you a wonderful human (at least not a very bad human!)

In the internet world, extremes get all the attention because they are exciting and controversial. But they do more harm than good.

We need a realistic, balanced view of ourselves, or we will fall easy prey to our crippling insecurities.

We need to go back to our childhood to solve this.

Dysfunctional Childhood

This is an oversimplification, but you probably fall into one (or both) of the below categories.

The first category of children had a bad childhood where they were told they were inadequate, stupid, cowards, and unlovable. As children, it is easy to believe that.

Those children will grow up into wounded adults.

The second category of children was told they were god-like, amazing, exceptional, and perfect. Again, as children, it is easy to believe that.

Those children will grow up into entitled pieces of sh*t.

Both children will grow up with the deep-rooted, painful belief they are not good enough. I will explain.

The first example of when they were abused is clear. They never felt good enough as children. They were always judged and criticized.

Their parents never seemed to be proud of them, no matter what. Those parents never gave their children enough, or any, love, so those children believed they were not good children.

And that is heartbreaking.

As children, we believe that everything in the world is about us. So, if our parents do not give us love, care, or attention, we are flawed, unworthy, and unlovable. That is how a child thinks. And that is painful beyond measure.

Also, as children, we care about nothing but the love and the approval of our parents. When they don’t provide that, we try to fix their problems, ourselves, and the world to make them give us that love.

That never works because it’s not actually about us. It’s about the parents and their own emotional problems.

But because that never works, we believe we are fundamentally flawed beyond repair.

Photo by Marianna Smiley on Unsplash

It might seem like a silly, naïve conclusion. But for a child, it’s believable. And surprisingly, most of the beliefs you form as a child don’t magically vanish when you grow up.

For the second category, where children were told they were exceptional, it’s simpler.

They discover, in the real world, that they are not exceptional or perfect. The world doesn’t even care about them and their inflated ego.

Those facts hit them like a wall of bricks. They shatter their self-esteem. They will probably develop some coping mechanisms (beliefs, certain lifestyles, personas, …,etc.).

But in our context, they still unconsciously reach the conclusion that they are probably not good enough because they realize the world is bigger than them and their ego.

However, they never let it show. It will just eat you from the inside while they pretend to be that awesome person they falsely hope they are.

Deep within, they feel ashamed about not being as perfect and special as they believed. It’s not about being enough; it’s about being enough to get what?

In this case, it’s about being enough to meet their ridiculously unrealistic and impossible expectations of being an entitled snowflake.

As you can see, those are two extremes.

For many people, it’s not black or white like this. Many of us can relate to both categories.

And although the two categories look different, they are both dysfunctional. They are really just two faces of the same coin.

That is why we see some people swing from an extreme to another extreme.

The opposite of fear is not courage; it is recklessness –courage is somewhere in the middle between fear and recklessness.

What to do?

Having a dysfunctional childhood doesn’t mean you are doomed to live forever believing you are not good enough. As a child, you couldn’t do any better.

I believe that self-awareness can be of great help. Knowing where you came from can help you identify where you are now and where it is better to go.

You are no longer a child, and you can challenge the beliefs that made you believe you are not good enough.

You don’t need to fix anyone or any situation to get love, attention, or appreciation. And if someone doesn’t give you these things, it doesn’t necessarily mean you are not good enough to get them.

It simply might mean that this person has their own emotional problems. Stop thinking like a child who believes it is the center of the universe.

Read that again and let sink!

This is not easy. And it’s not a smooth journey. Especially when you’ve been feeling that you are not adequate for a long time.

But, to make things more realistic, here is another idea that I’ve come across recently…

You don’t even have to believe that you are good enough!!

Wait, wait! Hear me out first.

As a human being, I get the feeling that I’m not good enough every once in a while.

And I believe that I will always be getting it. Even when I get good at what I’m insecure about.

There will always be something else to feel insecure about. The cultural conditioning is just too strong to defeat (I hate to admit that!).

So, this feeling will always be here. And fighting it all the time isn’t always productive or healthy. In fact, fighting it all the time will make you believe you have never been enough and that you will never be. It will demoralize you.

So, we need a different mentality.

I have recently read a quote that goes like this,

“It is nonsense to try to be self-confident. Just look at how many things you don’t know and have no clue about! So, instead of trying to be confident, just be confident in your ability to grow and improve and in your ability to become a better person. That’s what you should be confident about.”

I do not know who said it.

It may sound extreme and counterintuitive, but it has some logic. So, I’ve decided to use it here after twisting it to fit our context:

If you can’t believe you are enough, bet on the idea that you can be enough. How?

First of all, be comfortable with failures and setbacks in your life. That is what true confidence is.

Second, believe in your ability to improve and grow and become better within the domain of your competence. Believe that you are enough to grow and learn and improve.

As we have said: it’s not about being enough; it’s about being enough to get/do what exactly?

You want to fulfill your true potential. So, even if you are below your potential, you have what it takes to fulfill it.

You have to believe that even if, right now, you can’t get what you want because you think you are not enough yet, you can improve and grow to get it.

You have to believe that even though I’m a piece of muck now, I can one day benefit the world by turning this place into a beautiful garden.

I know that sounds so simple and cheesy, but it is simple.

This makes challenging the belief of not being good enough actually practical.

To believe you are worthy of growing up (not getting what you want), you need to stop stigmatizing yourself and be kinder to yourself.

Once you stop stigmatizing yourself because of your shortcomings, you are more likely to focus on improvement and growth, which are impossible when shame and stigma are lurking around.

And once you try to improve, your chances of getting what you are after are higher.

Let me remind you of something that can help you. Check out this quote:

“The reason we struggle with insecurity is that we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel.”

Don’t forget that everybody has their own behind-the-scenes. And don’t forget that you have your own highlight reel.

Acknowledgment: A massive shout out to Timon, my dear friend, and fellow writer, for sharing this quote with me.

Ironically, after finishing writing this, I feel that it’s not good enough. But I’ll publish it anyway. I’ve done my best, and I know that I can improve as a writer and thinker and produce even better pieces in the future.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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