I’ve been ditched, dumped, spun, flaked on and stood up. A lot. I’ve tried to hold on, to tempt, buy and manipulate people to come back into my life; I’ve tried to bring back the dead. All of that has resulted in pushing people away and stressing me out. I’m not just here to complain about my life though. I want to share a solution that I found just today.
The solution came from a friend I met earlier this year. I work in a greenhouse. Sometimes butterflies get stuck inside. They can spend hours pitifully flapping against the plastic walls. That’s when you get the butterfly net, scoop them up and set them free outside. Sometimes though, they get into a really tight space and you have to catch them with your hands.
It’s delicate work, this. You have to be really slow not to scare them away and really gentle not to hurt them. If you kind of cup both of your hands and close them crosswise on eachother, you can catch the little guy in a space where he can flap around and not hurt himself.
I had just walked out of the greenhouse with a little brown and yellow one. While I was on my way to show it to a coworker, I saw a customer.
“Do you want to see what I have here?”
“Sure!” she said, with a huge smile.
I opened my hands and she gasped. “Oh my God!” she said, “It’s a hackberry emperor butterfly! I can’t believe he actually let you hold him! That is amazing!”
Turns out she’s a lepidopterist (someone who studies butterflies) and a photographer. She was absolutely delighted with the panoply of butterflies flitting around out flower fields in the back. We became good friends, talking every week or so at least.
Today though, a few days after Christmas, was probably two months since we last talked. She called me today to see how I was doing and, after a little catching up, she gave me the solution:
“I know that we live in very different worlds, and people fall away from each other for all kinds of different reasons. But I just want to ask: did you stop talking to me because of anything that I said or did or because of anything wrong that you saw in me?”
This coming from her was like Bill Gates asking a girl if he wasn’t rich enough for her. Of course I told her that, no, that wasn’t the case. Actually, I only talk to my best friend once a month or so. I’ve just been really busy and, frankly, depressed for a good while.
I just think she was really graceful in her approach to the situation. She never chased me down. Plenty of time passed before she called me again. She pretty much opened up with a gentle request for feedback. I know that, if I had said “Yeah, actually, my problem is this…” she wouldn’t have argued with me. She might have tried to make amends, but ultimately, she would have let me go.
This is how adults let go, I thought. From now on, if I say anything to a woman I’m dating after she falls of the face of the earth, it’s going to be this. Just this gently cupping of the hands, and then a grateful release to the wind.
We are proud of our SOCIAL INTEREST GROUPS—WEEKLY PHONE CALLS to discuss, gain insights, build communities— and help solve some of the most difficult challenges the world has today. Calls are for Members Only (although you can join the first call for free). Not yet a member of The Good Men Project? Join now!
Join The Good Men Project Community
All levels get to view The Good Men Project site AD-FREE. The $50 Platinum Level is an ALL-ACCESS PASS—join as many groups and classes as you want for the entire year. The $25 Gold Level gives you access to any ONE Social Interest Group and ONE Class–and other benefits listed below the form. Or…for $12, join as a Bronze Member and support our mission, and have a great ad-free viewing experience.
Register New Account
Please note: If you are already a writer/contributor at The Good Men Project, log in here before registering. (Request new password if needed).
◊♦◊
ANNUAL PLATINUM membership ($50 per year) includes:
1. AN ALL ACCESS PASS — Join ANY and ALL of our weekly calls, Social Interest Groups, classes, workshops and private Facebook groups. We have at least one group phone call or online class every day of the week.
2. See the website with no ads when logged in!
3. MEMBER commenting badge.
*** ANNUAL GOLD membership ($25 per year) includes all the benefits above — but only ONE Weekly Social Interest Group and ONE class.
*** ANNUAL BRONZE membership ($12 per year) is great if you are not ready to join the full conversation but want to support our mission anyway. You’ll still get a BRONZE commenting badge, and you can pop into any of our weekly Friday Calls with the Publisher when you have time (Friday calls only). This is for people who believe—like we do—that this conversation about men and changing roles and goodness in the 21st century is one of the most important conversations you can have today.
We have pioneered the largest worldwide conversation about the changing roles of men in the 21st century. Your support of our work is inspiring and invaluable.
