1. Work towards being a “whole” person first
Most people date and enter relationships because they don’t love themselves. They think that a relationship, success, or material possessions will fill the gaping hole inside of their spirit, but this never works.
That hole — this void inside of you is what I would characterize as loneliness.
Loneliness is a psychological state where you feel disconnected from others. The disconnection first begins with you, internally.
Swiping on Tinder, having sex with random strangers, or settling for the first person who has a pulse won’t make your life better.
From the book, Dating Sucks, but You Don’t: The Modern Guy’s Guide to Total Confidence, Romantic Connection, and Finding the Perfect Partner by Connell Barrett:
Your dating life is a mirror that reflects what’s happening inside your head. It comes through in your voice, words, eye contact, actions emotions… The quality of your love life correlates to the quality of your mindset.
No one is coming to save you from your shitty circumstances and your dating life. Everything is entirely on you.
You’re gonna have to sink into that lonely feeling and find out why you need a relationship. A relationship won’t satisfy this craving, because the only cure for need is more.
If you don’t believe me, my own experiences are proof enough. Years ago, in my “darkest hour”, life granted me my one and only wish: a girlfriend! I exaggerate, but for many, this isn’t far from their reality.
Finally, everything would be better. No. That didn’t solve anything. In fact, I started ignoring and disrespecting her and I shifted my focus to other things.
She was never enough.
Years later, life taught me a harsh lesson, but I had to learn it.
I had to act like a fucking adult and take ownership of my mistakes and my misery as a lonely, single guy.
Like most people, I spent a long time blaming her for leaving, but that didn’t work. All that did was prolong the suffering. Try to examine what you can do better next time.
Find out what triggers you and let go of it.
Know what you are not okay with. This won’t solve everything, but having an active awareness of what you won’t tolerate should at least mitigate the chances of you stumbling into a dead-end relationship with the wrong person.
If you still end up in a terrible relationship, the only person you can change is you. You cannot force someone else to change. Growth and change cannot happen without knowing your identity and purpose.
What drives you? Who, or what do you see yourself as?
To cultivate inner strength and find completion:
- Self-acceptance: Do the inner work on yourself to acknowledge the real you. Fuck whatever you think society expects from you, or what you “should” be doing. If there’s a lot of junk you’re holding onto deep down, it’s time to accept it, and work towards a more complete version of “you”.
- Resilience: Your physical body — your DNA, doesn’t care whether or not you find love, reproduce, or have success. You can give up on love and relationships or life in general, and sit and complain about it, or you can do something about it. The truth is, there isn’t any guarantee that doing anything will yield the results that you want, but it’s better than not trying.
2. Every action must have a purpose: Be intentional
A lot of people want to “date”, but they don’t really know why.
When I first started dating years ago, I didn’t know what the fuck I was doing or why for that matter. All I knew was that I wanted to get laid consistently and not be as lonely as I was.
By chance or fate, whatever you want to call it, I found my (now) ex-fiance on a dating app. As we continued to spend time together, I didn’t necessarily have a reason to not keep seeing her. Eventually, we ended up engaged.
If I had a more clearly defined “why”, I probably would not have continued on in a relationship with her. Her personality was quite bland, and while she was kind, she didn’t speak up and chose to instead let resentment pile up between us.
You make mistakes, but you learn from them. One of those lessons for me was to know my “why”.
Like I did, most people date around to not be alone or bored. To them, other people, and socializing in general, is a form of entertainment or distraction. When that isn’t fulfilling anymore they’ll move on to the next thing.
If you’re on the receiving end of someone doing this, it’s damn frustrating after you invest time into someone who isn’t serious.
Without intention, serious dating is difficult to implement.
Just like everything else, if you don’t have a direction or a clear path to where want to go, you won’t achieve much. Whatever you do achieve will be by luck, and you won’t know how to replicate those results.
On the flip side, you’ll make a lot of mistakes, but you won’t know how to correct them without knowing where you want to end up. A perfect example of this came up the other day in casual conversation:
Someone told me he spent a bit of time messaging a girl on a dating app. Eventually, he tried to add her to social media. In my head, I was like “No! why in the world did you think that was a good idea?”
After that, she stopped talking to him.
It could have been a coincidence, but I find that unlikely. People get weirded out when you do shit like that, and he didn’t have a clue why he was even talking to someone several states away.
Think before you act.
Every text, word, or action must have a purpose. You must be delicate.
If you have to write it down, do it.
Don’t just go for what you think you “should” want. Or what you think society expects of you. For example, how many people do you know who actually wanted kids? Most of the people I know with children had them by accident.
If they had been more clear on what it was they wanted, they would have taken appropriate measures to ensure children didn’t happen. I get it, sometimes accidents happen, but you always have a choice.
Maybe you do want kids, I don’t know. Love, dating, and relationships aren’t all about you. Be intentional, but try to remember what you “offer”. It’s a very self-centered perspective when you think about what you want.
Write down what you offer to the other person. That could be:
- Your fierce loyalty.
- Self-sustaining adult.
- Great kisser.
You can write as many good things as you want, as long as you believe it. Writing down “whatever” without believing it deep down will come off as fake, or “try-hard”.
3. Aim for victory because anything less is defeat
Persistence: going after what you want, and not what you need is the true sign of masculinity.
When I realized this, my entire perspective shifted. I didn’t feel bad about myself for wanting love and connection, but I had to find more “completion” for this to happen.
For a lot of people, they never discover this and settle for shitty life circumstances.
- Is it all the demands and expectations from the opposite sex?
- Are there too many distractions?
- Is work consuming too much time these days?
Some of this is true. But not all of it. People often choose to be alone because they don’t think “the juice is worth the squeeze”.
It makes sense, you shouldn’t just partner up out of need, but if you’re giving up because you got rejected a few times or had a bad experience, that’s a bit woeful.
I bet you most people, especially men, would choose to have a loving partner over accepting loneliness. A lot of people aren’t willing to put in the effort because it gets in the way of their comfort and “happiness”.
Nothing worthwhile is easy. Dating isn’t some fairy tale where every man brings you flowers on the first date or every woman fawns over your perfect smile.
It’s full of rejection, heartbreak, pain, anger, you name it.
I hate to break it to you, but no one cares about the outcome of your dating life.
Why would they be? It’s not their responsibility.
No one is going to hop in bed with you because you made a half-hearted attempt to invite them back to your place. If your excuse is: “I’m good enough; this is my best effort”, you’re going to be in for a tough time.
You can complain about dating like everyone else, or you can remember one thing: win.
Stop trying “not to lose”, to settle. Take risks.
I’ve made mistakes in the past. I tolerated the wrong people and the wrong situations. I’ve said some stupid shit that’s cost me dates, potential relationships, and even a full-blown marriage.
I never regret taking action. It doesn’t always play out the way I want it to, but every relationship or short-term “fling” that I have was always preceded by taking a risk: giving a hug, going in for a kiss, or initiating sex for the first time.
Girls Chase
When you act timid, meek, or stifle yourself, the other person can sense it, and they lose a lot of attraction for you.
Playing it safe might seem like the best option, but it never works. It is comfortable, but that comfort comes at a significant cost to your happiness and overall life satisfaction.
4. Maintain Frame
Lead.
You do this through “frames”: This is how people view and interpret reality.
In dating and relationships, people get hung up on thinking that they are entitled to love, sex, and connection. This viewpoint prevents people from taking initiative when it comes to finding the right partner.
Do the approach. Send out the first text. If they don’t reciprocate, try a few more times, but avoid spending too much energy on someone who isn’t willing to participate.
Always examine the cost vs. gain.
Regardless of gender, a good relationship comes from two people putting in the effort to “maintain frame”.
Whoever has the most “value” will assert their “frame”. This dynamic results in a frame battle, and this determines how the interaction or relationship plays out.
The strongest frame will have the most influence. However, this does not mean this person is better, stronger, or more worthy of love. Merely, their authenticity shines brighter, and they are less “reactive” in the interaction.
A strong frame is a clear indication that you have dominance over yourself. You know who you are, and what you stand for.
The person with a “weaker frame”, will react more, and have more to lose if the relationship or the interaction ends. You might think a frame battle isn’t good, but it is essential to a healthy relationship.
In fact, a breakup was always in correlation every time I lost frame in the relationship.
I lost most of my confidence after I put all of my faith into one woman. When I lost her, part of me felt ripped to shreds. For months, I struggled with grief and anxiety.
After the end of that relationship, I would chase girls. I’d suck up to them, wait on their texts, and put myself in embarrassing situations to get laid.
Going after what I wanted wasn’t the problem. It was where I was coming from that was the issue. I needed women. I was dependent on my relationship status.
After I let go of my self-worth being attached to others, I could approach dating as a much stronger person. With strength, you can give and receive love with equal effort.
Just because one person leads and has a stronger frame does not exempt them from giving the same effort. Nor does someone who is “weaker”; they are still obligated to participate in the relationship or interaction if they wish to see it come to fruition.
From my previous experience, when my girlfriend(s) and I:
- Switched roles.
- Didn’t define our responsibilities in the relationship.
- Failed to contribute to it.
The relationship broke down.
Remember:
In the dating process, a strong frame involves:
- An interesting personality.
- Leadership: Having things planned out. Leading the conversation. Initiate physical touch.
- Say “no” more often (boundaries).
5. Settle down, but don’t settle
Don’t stay with people out of “need”.
You can do everything: be intentional, “play to win”, and maintain frame, but if you didn’t take the time to read or implement the first step, you’ll end up here:
Settling. Which is quite different from settling down.
In Connell Barrett’s book on dating, he has 3 questions to ask yourself before you decide to establish a long-term relationship:
- Do the two of you fit together? I don’t mean just physically, but does it just seem “right”? Generally, this is the most important question to ask yourself, because if you can’t say yes to this question, then the other two things below don’t matter.
- Do the two of you and your values align? It’s vital to have things in common to include: family, religion, politics, hobbies, and culture.
- Are you both on an upward trend and growing together? You certainly don’t want to establish a relationship with someone who is on a nose dive like a washed-up movie star. Observe how they spend their time: Mindless entertainment and coping or mindfulness, exercise, or spiritual growth?
Settling often involves the need to play out some kind of role in the relationship to feel like you are loved. In this way, you will always fear losing the relationship, because your sense of worth will be tied to this role.
To know whether or not you are settling, do you often:
- Look past or blatantly ignore incompatible values and goals?
- Accept childish, abusive, or immature behavior?
- Blindy trust your partner’s close friendships with the opposite sex?
I would like to point out this last bullet point. Close relationships with the opposite sex. Friendships with someone of the opposite sex can be fulfilling, but there are certainly concerns.
Trust, is by far, the most important topic that needs to be brought up in this case. I had a partner of less than 2 months, who constantly spoke about going out and intermingling with other men whom I didn’t know.
This was deeply unsettling as I barely knew her. Perhaps to her, trust was something she felt entitled to, but this is far from it.
It is earned. Anything that jeopardizes this trust should not be tolerated.
At this time, we were still getting to know each other. There should be little excuse for someone to prioritize a friendship with someone of the opposite sex when we are still in the early dating phase.
In some cases, this amount of emotional intimacy could be considered cheating.
“Upgrading” your dating life helps to avoid things like a scarcity mindset, limited options, or loneliness. When you tolerate behaviors such as this, you’re back to square one. If you feel anxious, excessively jealous, or angry, chances are you’re settling in some capacity.
Yet, it’s important to remember no one is perfect. The “grass is always greener on the other side” also applies to dating.
Despite glaring red flags or deal breakers (which we’ll get to), when you settle for the first person who comes around, you’re compromising your own confidence just to avoid that “dreaded” feeling of loneliness.
Consider the implications of settling.
Who knows how long an unsatisfying, unhealthy, or toxic relationship could last. The last thing you want to do is waste valuable periods of your life being with someone who cannot provide you what you deserve when there is someone else more suitable for you out there.
6. Stop idealizing or projecting a fantasy onto them
Idealization and fantasizing are the byproducts of skipping step 1 of this guide.
It is so easy to become intoxicated by someone on the first few dates. Who knows. You might have been single or celibate for months or even years.
I’ve been there. You’re too quick to see them as the “one”.
Almost immediately you start coming up with all of these fantasies, and ideas of the two of you together, living out your dream life. Unfortunately, this rarely happens as you expect it, and all it does is lead to a lot of disappointment down the road.
You create an image of them, of who you think they are or who you want them to be. This idea isn’t even real. It’s not tangible. Humans are not static things that you can just project onto.
Think of how much pressure this puts on the relationship and your partner. Give people the space they need to be themselves and let the relationship unfold as it should.
In Lindsay C. Gibson’s book, Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents, she talks about “healing fantasies”.
It is a coping strategy that children from abusive, neglectful, or miserable households develop. The problem is that it doesn’t just “go away” as you age, not unless you are aware of it, and find completion with yourself.
Children with this coping mechanism think “Someday I’ll be loved if I…”
It might look like:
- Fame and fortune. Millions of fans or followers.
- Success in business/entrepreneurship or a high-level position at some company.
- Getting the “love and approval” from a spouse as a proxy for unmet needs.
These can be simplistic strategies, but most often, they’re multifaceted and full of nuance. You can imagine the difficulty of setting boundaries in a relationship when you will do anything to achieve your goal.
7. Stop ignoring red flags and deal-breakers
If you want to read my full in-depth guide on red flags and overcoming relationship loneliness, read here:
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People overlook red flags and deal breakers to fulfill their dating and relationship fantasies. It doesn’t help when the person is physically attractive and there is natural chemistry mixed in.
They might say something that is a blatant red flag or a deal breaker, but you tune it out because you’re focused on only one thing: Sex, relationship, and love.
If you didn’t know this person beforehand, you may not have the total picture of who they are. Think about how it’s only after the end of a relationship or well into one, do you start noticing the red flags and deal breakers.
It’s not any different from someone you have known for a long time. While they could be a good friend or colleague, you would never, in a million years, consider dating them.
If there are red flags you see, you might tell yourself “It’s a one-time thing”, or “It’ll get better”. “Oh, it’s out of context, they meant something else…”
But the whole time your instincts are telling you to run or reevaluate if the effort is worth the drawbacks.
Everyone’s behavior is a repeated set of habits. If anyone, especially a partner tries to deny that when you confront them about it, they’re fucking with you.
Nothing that comes up in the relationship or dating phase is ever new. It’s only new to you.
While it’s great to work towards healing and growing in a relationship, sometimes they must end.
For example, some of my deal breakers are:
- Cheating
- Hardcore addictions (drugs, alcohol, gambling)
- Bad hygiene (more so as I initially meet people)
- Abuse
Tolerating deal breakers and red flags are the foundation of settling.
8. Try to take things a bit less seriously
Life is hard enough as it is. I know, you can feel frustrated and overwhelmed because your current circumstances aren’t aligned with your “perfect” life.
Life loves to throw fucking curveballs at you when you least expect it.
I still remember the younger version of me in 2022. He and his fiance were planning to get married on New Year’s Eve, but she ended the relationship a month before it happened.
He thought they’d be rolling into the new year as a married couple, instead, he ended up alone that night and moving out in January, heartbroken and miserable.
I don’t say this to garner sympathy but to illustrate the fact that a lot of shit can happen in just a couple months.
Breakups and divorces are never fun, but I wept for months, often believing my entire life was shattered. Slowly, I pulled myself out of that and saw it as an opportunity for growth and learning.
I shifted my perspective of “losing everything” to understanding that life has a strange way of teaching me a lesson, and hoping I will take the hint and move on.
When people reject, ghost, friendzone, or outright betray you, understand that it was never meant “to be” in the first place.
Let people filter themselves out. If they’re habitually letting you down, disappointing you, or not capable of developing a real relationship with you, why bother to continue to entertain them?
If they straight up leave you, that’s a good thing. It’s better to learn now they were unreliable and only looking to be around when it was convenient for them.
There’s nothing that the other person has that is irreplaceable.
…
I hate to say it, but if your partner leaves you, it’s possible to replace them. Maybe a new partner might not be as attractive as the last one, but they make up for it with their humor and kindness.
Your dating life is yours to do as you wish.
If it’s not good, you can change it. To reiterate, the foundation for success with dating, and life in general, is to approach them from a feeling of completion.
If you ignore this step, you can do everything else, but you most likely won’t enjoy the results as much as you should, because it will never feel “good enough” to you. You’ll simply seek out the next new thing — or person.
Often, dating success has more to do with what you let go of, rather than what you acquire. More knowledge, tips and tricks, or “social hacks” aren’t going to give you the long-lasting results you deserve.
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What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean? | My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me | The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex | The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence |
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