I’m furious my ex-husband’s fiance thinks it’s okay to bad-mouth my children.
I’m more outraged that a father would allow it to happen. She’s inserted herself into his life for two years. She doesn’t know our history or who my children are.
Worse, the two of them caused the drama she’s arrogantly complaining about.
In the world of post-divorce relationships, there’s one cardinal rule.
Don’t trash talk the children.
What happened? I’ll get to that in a moment.
A little bit of history.
The first time I met my ex-husband’s then-girlfriend she wasn’t friendly. She didn’t even respond when I said hello. In what could only be providential I ran into her the next day.
Honestly, it was a relief.
I knew we wouldn’t be besties but I wanted to clear the air. I wanted to be able to wave across a local restaurant. I wanted to be friendly enough to co-exist. I had zero reasons to dislike her. I left my husband. It was my decision to end our marriage and we were now several years out of our divorce.
She had a beautiful smile and I thought she’d be nice.
I could tell when I ran into her she didn’t share my same desire. I was talkative and she kept moving away. It was obvious she wasn’t my biggest fan. Who knows what my ex-husband has told her? And I’m sure she knows I write about my marriage and divorce experience.
To be fair, I would never have written about this topic if he hadn’t put my children and me through a brutally long and severely abusive five-year divorce.
I’m not gonna lie.
I was surprised she wasn’t more friendly. If I ran into the ex-wife of someone I was dating and she expressed a desire to be cordial and friendly I would take the olive branch. I would be relieved if she conveyed she had no reason to dislike me.
Instead, she told my ex-husband I cornered her in a store.
I told her one other thing. I said not much would bother me when it came to my ex-husband unless our children were hurt. He and I have essentially no reason to speak. The correspondence is occasional at best.
At the time, this comment was not directed at her.
I was explaining a recent reaction I had. My ex-husband left Florida and flew back to Virginia without our 25 year old son. He never noticed our son wasn’t on the plane. His excuse? They weren’t seated together and he piled on other supposed excuses.
Personally, I believe my son.
He sat down next to the gate listening to music with his EarPods. His father stepped away to make a phone call. He believed his dad would return, tap him on the shoulder, and they would board. A few minutes before the flight was set to depart, he tried to board since his father never showed up but was unable to. My son is mature enough to take responsibility for himself.
It doesn’t mean we both weren’t shocked his dad wouldn’t look for him.
You could be traveling with a friend and they would look for you.
One thing tells the truth about this story. It details an individual who lives in his own world to an inexplicable extreme. I don’t know how it’s possible to land and never realize your child wasn’t on the plane.
Back to bashing a man’s children.
My ex-husband and his fiance chose my birthday to get married.
It’s caused a lot of upset. That’s what happens when you raise kind, loving, and caring kids. They have normal reactions to odd things. It was distressing to them because they think it was weird and because it conflicted with their cousin’s wedding. A wedding that’s been planned for nearly two years.
My ex-husband’s fiance is evidently tired of the hoopla
It’s hard to fathom two grown adults on their second and third weddings can’t see they caused this upset. And somehow make the kids the bad guys. When my children were told the date they asked if they would change it. The answer was no.
They’ve placed our children in a huge position of conflict.
My family’s children were raised like siblings, not cousins.
My boys feel bad it’s on my birthday even though I’ve told them not to.
They feel bad missing one wedding for the other. They were committed to their cousin’s wedding for a year before their dad got engaged. It’s been a hugely stressful year as they have tried to navigate what’s the right thing to do. It’s aggravated me as well.
I think I know the reason his fiance chose this wedding date.
I’m pretty sure it’s because of the numerics of 10/22/2022.
But shouldn’t you care more about a man’s children being in attendance than a date on the calendar? Especially, when it’s your third time around the altar?
Why would they want my birthday as an anniversary?
It’s weird.
You can’t create a problem and then blame it on others. My children are more mature. They would never put someone in a position of conflict, especially where it involved family.
Did the two of them really think it was going to go over well?
Choosing the birthday of their mother?
I found it validating it shows who they are. But sadly, for the same reason, I found it validating, my guys found it disturbing. I told them we could just celebrate another day because I didn’t care.
But that still left them with the dilemma of which wedding to attend.
It angers me my ex-husband would allow someone to bad mouth our children. He’s letting a woman throw them under the bus for a situation she created.
Worse, how can he not tell her the truth?
My children aren’t terrible to their father. They aren’t awful kids. Their father was terrible to them. He drank and scared them and they wanted me to divorce him. He was emotionally and financially abusive and willing to hurt them to hurt their mother and get what he wanted in divorce.
He left them without food, school supplies, electricity, transportation, and health insurance. He made them suffer through a five-year divorce and foreclosure notices and repo guys. He threatened our oldest son with being taken out of college and never sent our youngest son because he claimed all of our money was gone.
Suddenly, he’s found some money.
Enough for a big ring and an over-the-top wedding for people their age with five weddings between them. It’s a miracle the poor man has been restored with wealth. Hallelujah!
Our children treat their father very well considering all he’s done.
He’s barely come looking for them in the last nine years.
He doesn’t even look for them on holidays. On one Father’s Day and Christmas, he was supposed to be with them, but he canceled on them to be with her. He’s only reached out recently because he needs something from them. He needs them to show up at his wedding.
Our children are not terrible.
They are kind, sweet, loving, caring, thoughtful, generous, strong, resilient, honest, funny, smart, responsible, loving, and incredibly forgiving young men.
If I could be anywhere, it would be hanging out with them. What they have experienced at the hands of their father, no child should endure at the hands of a stranger.
But they are joyful, not bitter.
I didn’t just lose everything, they did too.
This has been an impossible journey for them. They have handled it with fortitude and resolve. They may have been emotional with me at times and upset. But they have never once complained about how their lives were torn apart by a man who was supposed to protect them or the financial burdens that were created in their own lives.
We were barely able to cling together throughout that storm.
It was that bad.
Shame on my ex-husband for not telling the truth. Shame on him for letting a woman he’s known for two years say anything negative about our boys. She doesn’t know them. She’s never made the effort.
Shame on her.
Shame on him.
What parent lets someone bad mouth their own children?
—
This post was previously published on medium.com.
***
***
If you believe in the work we are doing here at The Good Men Project, please support our mission and join us as a Premium Member.
All Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS. Need more info? A complete list of benefits is here.
Talk to you soon.
You Might Also Like These From The Good Men Project
Compliments Men Want to Hear More Often | Relationships Aren’t Easy, But They’re Worth It | The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex | ..A Man’s Kiss Tells You Everything |
—
Photo credit: iStockPhoto.com