I Hate Men (by a Man) — Part 2

Initially, I wasn’t going to write a follow-up, leaving I hate men Part 1 as the beginning of a conversation. However, today, I woke up “mad as hell”, to quote the ‘Chicks’, “and I won’t back down!”. Well, not until I have written this article. Here follows a free flow rant with a LOT of spaces for more discussion.

Several things have transpired to stir me up again, and instead of a sigh of resignation, I feel furious. From women’s first-hand experience, I heard again of women whose Doctors have actually told that they are imagining symptoms and others having their experiences minimised in some way — which I feel angry about but have not much expertise in.

I also read a Guardian article on how online dating has made single women overall less happy, less likely to find a long-term partner, and more at risk of sexual violence. Also, just generally interacting with single women as a man has made me aware again of just how much reservation there is, how much lack of freedom and how much fear there is, how much checking out the intentions I have before even cautiously starting a friendship. Heck, even passing a woman in the park, if no one nearby, feels uncomfortable. This I know about.

Yes, I know. I am sorry I can only write from my perspective. Still, as an empath who adores one to one relationships, I feel a deep disappointment with my sex and the extra stress levels put upon females of all ages. As the Guardian article says, the whole system is deeply flawed, and the lockdown has only worsened things. Taking the technology angle further, I may sound like a technophobe or an out of touch oldie, but as anyone who has asked me for help knows, I am far from that. I am appalled (that’s still a word) by normalising women as just bodies to be rated before anything else. Even worse are the Tik Toks of this electronic world, where videos of teenagers innocently dancing for their own fun are downloaded and shared on other media platforms to stimulate men who have no sense of anything beyond their own desires. Let alone holding themselves accountable and thinking of another human as a sacred being. They literally say these youngsters are “meat”. If that doesn’t make you want to throw up, then you might want to ask yourself a few questions.

Actually, while I am at it, the whole porn thing is a morass of abuse as well. Now to anyone who morally lectures about its evil or has a particular viewpoint, it is not what you think it is. There seems to be an idea that porn is all consenting professionals who create unrealistic ideals for our youngsters. Well, it isn’t just that. These days’ most popular videos are ‘amateur’ videos; if the reports are true, the professional actors complain they can’t compete. I am sure there are consenting adults, who share their intimates online for fun, but how do you know? How do you know they aren’t trafficked? Even if they aren’t slaves, how many women are being coerced or bribed into performing a sex act on the (usually faceless) male in exchange for a hope of being loved or feeling worth something? Their features there for the whole world to see. It seems that violence is now considered mainstream and “expected” by my gender, choking during sex, smacking bottoms in a demeaning, infantilising way etc. Seriously — as we say in Ireland — “Cop On To Yourself”, it IS abuse. I am not a prude by any means, and if you both consent and have clear boundaries and an escape word, then no judgement here. (I was going to say knock yourself out, but…).

It is the normalisation of all of this and the pressure, the expectation of men that they have some right to all of this, that makes me deeply angry. Here’s the thing. We are sexual beings, and one of our primary stimuli is visual. However, it is one thing to admire another, male or female, human’s physical beauty and to feel sexual excitement, even to be turned on by porn. It is another to project expectation and manipulate to meet our desires. To the men — OWN your Insert swear word desires. You don’t have to act on any of it; they are your desires — NOT the responsibility of the object of your passion. You certainly don’t have to transfer what you see in fantasy into real life! Reframe the energy as something beautiful and a gift from the universe, and stop being so selfish. You are harming yourself and society when you minimise women; you are keeping your mind small.

To the women, I can only say sorry.

I am sorry that you feel scared and unsure as to my intent. When beginning an online chat with me, you have to make sure I am not going to ask for nudes or worry about being sent ‘dick pics’ like some adolescent Neanderthal. Not to say there aren’t many great teenagers who are profoundly disgusted by it all as well, but I am afraid that it is rampant in the education system too. Apparently, taking pictures of young girls from inappropriate angles and sending pictures of your own penis (seriously, I don’t get this at all, how would that actually work?) is rife. Not to mention all the rest of the rape culture in schools. It is all part of the same problem.

It feels like those who are actually interested in friendships, and romantic relationships are a dying minority. I have to believe that this isn’t true — indeed, all the men I counselled when I was helping Dads with post-natal depression issues were trying to be decent, if flawed, partners. This doesn’t mean that we are asexual innocents who haven’t a clue either; we simply desire mutual respect in our passions.

Today, however, I am just pissed off with men and the attitudes that create fear and hurt, dividing and alienating us from each other.

We must do better…

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This post was previously published on Equality Includes You.

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