If You Want to Have Better Conversations, Apply the 43:57 Rule

Are you really listening, or just waiting to speak?

Most people aren’t good at having a balanced conversation. We tend to talk a lot about ourselves, especially when we’re trying to impress someone.

But that’s not the best strategy to win them over. If you tend to do most of the talking in a conversation, it’s time to reconsider your approach.

Stop trying to impress people with your ideas, stories, and accomplishments. If you want to become a great conversationalist, you should learn how to listen.

…

The 43:57 rule

A study from 2016 on sales calls showed the appropriate ratio of talking vs. listening in a dialogue.

The marketing director of Gong.io, a data analytics company, analyzed 25,537 sales calls using artificial intelligence and found that interactions where the salesperson spoke 43% of the time and listened 57% of the time had the highest sales performance.

This finding has come to be known as “the 43:57 rule”.

Although the study was conducted on sales calls, it can be applied to social conversations as well.

Just as a customer needs to feel like the salesperson can identify and understand their needs, in a social situation, the person you’re talking to wants to feel seen and valued.

Think about the last time someone genuinely listened to what you had to say, showing curiosity about your thoughts and feelings. How did that make you feel?

…

How’s Your Grandma?

Franklin D. Roosevelt argued that people in social affairs never actually listened to what other people said.

Rumour goes that, once, standing in a White House reception line half a mile long, Roosevelt greeted each guest and murmured, “I murdered my grandmother this morning.”

People nodded, smiled, and carried on as usual, except for a Wall Street banker, who replied, “I’m sure she had it coming.”

What a hilarious story.

Even if it’s made up, it illustrates a point: most of the time, people don’t really listen — they’re just waiting for their turn to speak.

It’s important to recognize that talking actually makes you feel good: studies have shown that talking about oneself activates the brain’s reward centers.

So, naturally, everyone wants to speak about themselves. But when we focus too much on our own narratives, we forget about a crucial aspect of human interactions: everyone wants to be heard as well.

…

Stop Pretending

As I sat across from my best friend in our favorite cafe, the weight of my emotions suffocated me.

My mom had recently been diagnosed with cancer, and I felt a mix of fear, confusion, and sadness 24/7. I desperately needed someone to talk to.

As I began expressing my feelings and describing my state of mind, I noticed my best friend’s gaze had drifted away from me; she was swiping through her Instagram feed, occasionally muttering out an “ah-huh”. I couldn’t believe it. It was as if the words I was sharing were vanishing into thin air.

After a few minutes I paused, my voice trailing off as I watched her seemingly absorbed by the screen. Once she realized I had stopped talking, her gaze finally shifted from her phone, and said, “So, the other day I met this guy…”

Damn.

Engaging in a genuine conversation isn’t just about talking; it’s about showing respect and empathy; it’s about making room for the stories of others; it’s about communicating to the other person that their words matter and that their feelings are acknowledged.

While the world may applaud the eloquent speaker, it’s the attentive listener who holds the power to create a lasting impact. The one who doesn’t just pretend to listen, but puts down their phone and offers their undivided attention when someone needs them.

Being an attentive listener isn’t just a virtue — it’s a gift you can give to those you care about.

…

Improving your own talking:listening ratio

Like any other skill, active listening can be learned and developed over time. Here are some tips to make applying the 43:57 rule easier:

Be Present: Give your full attention to the person you’re talking to; put away your phone; avoid looking around or checking your surroundings.
Stay Non-Judgmental: Listen with an open mind, even if you disagree; suspend judgment and avoid forming opinions prematurely; acknowledge the speaker’s feelings and emotions.
Avoid Interrupting: Let the other person finish before responding; avoid cutting off or finishing sentences for them; nod and provide verbal cues to show you’re engaged.
Ask Open-Ended Questions: Use questions that encourage the speaker to elaborate; avoid yes/no questions to foster a deeper discussion.
Respect Silence: Allow moments of silence for the speaker to gather their thoughts; avoid rushing to fill gaps in conversation; let them express themselves fully before offering advice.

…

Thank you for reading! For more relationship advice, tips, and stories you can subscribe to my free newsletter.

—

This post was previously published on medium.com.

***