To be completely transparent, my partner (who I will ironically refer to in this post as “X” for lack of a better placeholder) is actually more than twice my age, but I won’t share the actual numbers, nor some vague mathematical model to let you guys deduce it for yourselves.
But after a certain point, who’s counting…
right?
Maybe more people than I’d like to think.
I’m Not Oblivious
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Of course I’m aware that X is much older than I am, but in all honesty, this thought doesn’t cross my mind on any given day unless it’s a specific point of conversation.
We do everything that “normal” couples do together: live together, go on dates at the park, watch our favorite shows and movies, fight, make up, etc.
So does our age gap matter to us all that much?
No.
Does it matter to virtually everyone else in my life?
Absolutely.
Fortunately, I don’t have many people in my life I consider close friends or family. I can rattle off the names of my friends on one hand, and the same goes for my immediate family.
What they all have in common is that none of them initially (or since) supported by decision to enter a relationship with someone more than twice my age.
I Didn’t Listen to Other People’s Opinions
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The first person to know was my best friend, who I told in the midst of confusion on the day my unorthodox relationship began.
He let me know without any hesitation or reluctance that he was adamantly opposed to the prospect, but supported me in my decision nonetheless.
I appreciated his candor and loyalty as a friend, instead of either misjudging our intentions and reacting angrily or blindly supporting me without any constructive criticism.
My mother was visibly disappointed when she heard it from me, as if she suspected it for quite some time but never brought it up. She was also concerned for me and interrogated me with a barrage of questions about how the relationship came about, and how I expected it to progress moving forward.
I answered her to the best of my ability, and made sure to provide her with the utmost comfort that I was making an informed and knowledgeable decision about my future and wellbeing, not just indulging in some spontaneous spur-of-the-moment chaos.
I managed to quell a substantial part of her fear, but I didn’t fare so well with my father. He was furious and frankly flabbergasted at my confession. He hurled insult after insult, screaming how I was ruining my life, but as my mom so aptly pointed out, I knew he just cared about me and was saying anything and everything he could to dissuade me from such a surprising decision.
But at the end of the day, I wasn’t swayed away from my steadfast stubbornness. I know to some degree that I inherited this attitude from my parents, so it was somewhat humorous to me that we were all so adamant in our completely opposing opinions.
Do I Regret My Decision?
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The answer is unequivocally…
no, I do not.
The amount of knowledge and wisdom I’ve gained as a direct result of my relationship surpasses any other experience I’ve had prior.
And beyond the fact that X is older than me and therefore can teach me many things about life I may not know in young naïveté, I will always be able to take comfort in the fact that, albeit my life’s unorthodox nature and dissension from so-called “normality” in more facets than one, I will always be able to say I made decisions for me, and not because I wanted to please anyone else.
No matter how this relationship turns out decades from now, regardless of where my life takes me, I am grateful that I have mustered enough courage throughout the years to defy things I don’t feel are beneficial to me.
So… What Have I Learned?
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I’ve Only Barely Begun to Live
I think most young people, including myself, have a sense of urgency about the trajectory of our lives. As we grow from adolescents into young adults, the pressure of career choices, relationships, personal development and growth, and all the other facets of a traditionally healthy life influence us to believe that we’re running out of time, or that we’re behind in the race if life compared to our peers.
But something profound I’ve learned from X is that they have lived enough experiences to equate to 10 times my own, and it’s made me realize that nothing I think or believe at this age necessarily has to hold true until the day I die.
Shit, before I met X, I had gone through a devastating breakup, and I had committed myself to never being in another relationship again, because I couldn’t fathom a reality where I loved anyone else.
And then I met X.
I’m More Resilient than I Think
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I’ve always known that my life was never exposed to any horrible tragedy or trauma, and I always considered myself very lucky, but in a very tangible sense, I was coddled as a child.
I may have sought out my own dangerous experiences as any curious kid does, but for the most part I never struggled with not having the things I needed to live a comfortable life.
I appreciate and revere my parents for providing me with that, but it also made me ill-prepared for life’s inevitable hurdles.
And when these battles came, I failed, over and over again, because in all honestly I never thought I would be subject to any extreme sort of pain.
I was trapped in the classic ivory tower for a majority of my life, and it made it so that I crumbled against even the slightest of turmoils.
But meeting X, someone who has failed for more years than I’ve been alive and still managed to overcome every single obstacle to become successful, made me realize that failure doesn’t have to be the end.
I too could accomplish just as much during the course of my life. And in fact, they helped me understand that in certain ways, I have accomplished a lot already.
- I dropped out of college when I realized it wasn’t the path I wished to pursue, consequently standing up to my parents’ wishes and believing in myself
- I entered into another relationship after being somewhat traumatized by my first, facing my fears of rejection and loneliness
- I choose to put my art into the world and try to achieve an unorthodox path for myself, learning to deal with other people’s opinions and rejection
- I moved out of my parents’ house after 4 years of staying idle in bed playing video games, forcing myself to become more independent
- I socialize with people more, conquering my debilitating introversion and anxiety
- I drive everyday now, compared to 4 years ago when I was terrified of getting behind the wheel to visit a friend or go shopping, actively engaging in activities that scare me because the end result is a net positive and slowly becoming accustomed to them
While none of these achievements may seem monumental, they’re leagues ahead of the person I used to be, and that’s the only person I could ever compare myself to.
It’s Not All Peaches and… Rainbows?
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No, dating an older person doesn’t automatically eliminate the traditional problems that most relationships face.
Our age difference means we inherently approach situations with varying lenses, with different ideas of what efficiency and success mean.
We struggle all the time with understanding each other’s preferences and being accommodating towards one another, because there isn’t a day that goes by where we don’t learn something new about the other person, or see an old aspect in a new light.
- I’m a naturally messy and disorganized person, while X is extremely organized and meticulous.
- I’m a very nonchalant and adaptive person, while X is also adaptive and malleable, but much less accepting of failure and resistance to accomplishing a task.
- I’m more passive and agreeable, while X is adept at being assertive in their desires and voicing of discontent.
I’m Not as Terrible of a Person as My Brain Says I Am
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I spent a long period of my life dwelling on my mistakes and convincing myself I was a habitual screw-up, and I was doing the world a favor by not trying to better myself or go after what I wanted anymore.
But I can confidently say I’m proud of the person I am, and that includes all my amazing and not-so-amazing qualities. I tormented myself for so long, convincing myself I did everything wrong, but X helped me understand that this way of thinking was just a clever excuse to avoid any responsibility.
For one of the first times in my life, a predominant belief system held in my brain was consciously and actively exposed. I started to feel… better about myself, and that there was no logical way my brain could be telling me the full truth about myself.
They say that in order to have a healthy and loving relationship, you have to love yourself first. And frankly, I always thought loving yourself was a bullshit concept, and the same went for self-improvement and self-development.
But in valuing X, my relationship has truly taught me to value myself in the process, and that’s a priceless gift that can never be taken away from me.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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