. . .
For the last few weeks, I have felt emotionally exterminated by the very thought of writing. I was ready to call it quits, throw in the towel and go ‘find myself’ somewhere else besides on the stark white pages of this platform. But then I hit a wall (or a levee, maybe?) and reached new heights in my writing journey. I concluded that if I churned out one more article about how emotionally flooded I was from going through a divorce, sharing custody of my kids and how my happily-ever-after was not meant to be, I swore, this levee was gonna break.
This brings me to today’s revelation: I’m not tired of writing; I’m weary from writing about my divorce.
Hallelujah!
I knew I needed a major philosophical shift after my self-discovery. And thanks to the inspiration of
I consciously choose to leave the past where it belongs and look forward to much lighter (writing) days.
Don’t worry; there will be plenty more pieces on pain, but not today readers — not today. So, without further delay, here are my top twelve concepts I use to move through my day and toward letting go of the heaviness that haunts me.
Self Efficacy — 7 AM
I have to believe in myself and my ability to push through life’s trials and tribulations because we (my kids and I) are screwed if I don’t. Every day I get dressed, floss and brush my teeth, and get out there to navigate my day the way I need (and want) to. Every day I show my kids that: Yes, life knocks you down to the ground. And every morning, you get up from that ground because you’ve proven to yourself, over and over again, that you can.
Creativity — 9 AM
I don’t know where my writing gigs are going to take me. But I’m hell-bent on finding out. Somehow, every day, I focus my energy on writing, playing my guitar, or completing a KiwiCo (activity box) with my kids. Creativity has saved my life, and I’d like to pass on its value to my kids any chance I get.
Self Care and Emotional Regulation — between the hours of 10 AM and 2 PM
I haven’t been to the gym in three months, but that’s beside the point. Instead, I’ve enjoyed the crap out of clearing my conscience on my new (to me) bike sixty miles a week. I gain a clearer perspective on life through the polarized view of my cycling glasses, and I always feel like a million bucks afterward!
Joyful — 3 PM
By 3 pm, I am in the presence of my kids’ glorious faces, and all is right with the world. There’s no denying that being with them makes me happy from the inside out.
Mindfulness — 5 Pm and 7 PM
No matter how my day unfolds, i.e., work, no work, kids, no kids, I bring myself back to the center (of the kitchen), cook dinner, stay calm, regulated, and choose to be present with my family.
Kindness and Gratitude — 9 PM
After my parents have gone to bed, the kids and I run amok around the house smacking each other with pillows and eating whipped cream straight from the can. And I am left with an overwhelming sense of gratitude to be where I am right now despite life’s many challenges. I make the kids’ lunches for the following day, clean the cat litter, wash the dishes, and quietly tuck them away in the cabinets to do it all over again tomorrow. Even on days where life seems unkind, I am thankful for my kids having a roof over their heads, bubble baths full of hot water, and snug beds to sink into while we listen to the stormy October nights together.
Fearless and Wild — 11 PM
Dabbling in the fantastically feral world of Erotica has had many benefits. I am well on my way to healing major trauma while living vicariously through my characters. So, until I feel more emotionally sound in this world, writing risqué storylines is a safe and robust way to go about things in my humble opinion.
Resilient and Confident — 12 AM
I lie my head down at the end of the night, knowing I made it through another day. And welcome whatever life cycle comes at me tomorrow with the belief that I can handle everything with self-efficacy and beyond.
. . .
So, there you have it — a snippet of my life and the concepts I hold close to my heart on every day that ends in “y.” Also, I’d like to point out that I wrote this whole piece without mentioning my ‘ex-husband,’ ‘missing my kids,’ or ‘my merciless divorce.’ I am beyond proud of myself; my heart has an indescribable lightness to it that it hasn’t felt in years, and my soul feels squeaky clean.
“Cryin’ won’t help you, prayin’ won’t do you no good
No, cryin’ won’t help you, prayin’ won’t do you no good
When the levee breaks, mama, you got to move, ah-ooh.”
. . .
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This post was previously published on Being Known.
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