Is Guilt Keeping You Stuck?

We are not built for guilt, and it damages our souls and personalities—even our health. ~Joyce Meyer

Confession: I have become a bit obsessed with the Reddit thread, AITA, (aka Am I The A-hole?) If you haven’t fallen down that particular online rabbit hole, it’s stories of people doing (or proposing to do) various things and asking the Reddit community whether or not they are the A for their actions. Interestingly, an analysis of 97,000 posts in 2021 found that “In only about 27% of the cases, users rendered a judgment of either YTA (You’re the A) or ESH (Everybody Sucks Here), which means almost three-quarters of the cases were judged to contain no assholery.”

This jibes with my own unscientific sense of what’s going on here. While it doesn’t necessarily tell us anything about how many As there are in the world, it might point to something about the people who ask. What I have seen is that the majority are not only NTA (Not The A), they are often doing things like setting healthy boundaries, standing up for themselves, and not tolerating abuse. Why do they want the reassurance of the online community? Generally because they feel terribly guilty about this.

I’ve also seen the role of guilt in my private coaching practice. It often is the rock that is squashing positive movement towards a life free from narcissistic abuse. Even when the person knows in their heart of hearts that the narcissist themselves seems to be incapable of feeling any guilt or remorse for the abuse they dish out, the target is still all too often are paralyzed by oppressive feelings of guilt when they assert a boundary. Or, ultimately, entertain ideas of moving on. Let’s explore the two biggest reasons for this:

ONE: Guilt trips. Toxic people and their flying monkeys (see vocabulary) are experts at the classic guilt trip, knowing it to be a powerful control device to keep targets in line. In the AITA Reddit thread you will see countless examples of people who are simply stating a boundary being bombarded with messages, phone calls, and social media posts saying how terrible they are. No wonder they get confused and find it helpful to ask the broader online community, AITA?

TWO: Super Traits. Very commonly targets of narcissistic abuse are high in traits such as loyalty and integrity. While these traits make them wonderful in healthy relationships, they can also be used for manipulation in toxic ones. For example, when someone with a Super Trait of high integrity gives a promise such as “to love and honor till death do us part,” they will generally do everything in their power to keep that promise, even if it is killing their own spirit and damaging their mental and physical health. And the toxic person generally knows this is a handy way to lay an effective guilt trip on them.

So what to do when guilt is keeping you stuck? One, recognize that the things you do for someone out of guilt tend to also bring along feelings of (generally legitimate) resentment. It can be interesting to stand in the dual discomfort of guilt and resentment, recognizing that both are crappy feelings, and that succumbing to a guilt trip doesn’t actually solve the bad feelings issue. It just gives you a different one. Processing this with a trained coach or therapist can be powerful in helping you untangle yourself from misplaced guilt. (I want to note that some professionals advise telling the person their guilt trips are creating feelings of resentment in you, but in my experience narcissists don’t care in the least about how you feel. I would say this is a waste of time and only leaves you open to more manipulation, gaslighting and being told you are simply wrong.)

Another strategy is to ask yourself is this really true? I find it helps to journal about this (or again, process with a coach or therapist) so that your mind doesn’t wander off into rumination. Make three columns: 1) what they said and/or what the guilt is you feel; 2) what is true or not true about this; and 3) what might be a reason unrelated to the issue that you are feeling this way. Column 3 might include everything from early training in your family of origin to manipulation by the toxic person.

Both strategies are not necessarily going to immediately destroy the rock of guilt, but hopefully they will help to diminish it some so that you begin to experience more and more guilt-free decision making that sets you free.

And of course, you can always ask Reddit, Am I the A-hole?

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This post was previously published on butnowiknowyourname.wordpress.com and is republished on Medium.

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