‘Is He Really Busy? Or Am I Being Ghosted?’

Let me start off this one by saying that I have no sympathy for ghosters. I just think they’re inconsiderate adults who like to take the easy way out.

Obviously, not only guys who like to ghost, girls do it too. I’m using a “he” just to make it easier here.

If you aren’t familiar with the term “ghosting,” it’s basically someone who “quit” the relationship without an explanation, so you’re left wondering what did you do wrong or are they still alive.

That’s the worst feeling someone could ever experience.

Why do people ghost in the first place?

According to research, between 13% and 23% of adults have been ghosted by a romantic partner. And that mostly happens through online dating apps such as Tinder or Bumble.

While logically, this isn’t something that responsible adults should’ve done, they still did it, and here are the reasons behind this behavior.

• The Emotional Unavailability

Being in a relationship with someone who’s emotionally available for you is very important. If he currently isn’t, then it’s better to let it go as soon as you can. You might think you can change his mind when you first meet him, maybe you’re the “special” one, but you really shouldn’t even try in the first place.

When someone doesn’t have the space (yet) for you, they will not try their best to keep you. But they might still keep you just for the backup. This is a hard pill to swallow, but you needed that wake-up call.

• The Avoidant Attachment Style

People with avoidant attachment styles fear getting too close with someone. That’s why ghosting is the right way for them to cut things off when they get overwhelmed.

It’s also their way to cope up with uncomfortable emotions because trying to break it up to you in person seems a lot harder than disappearing right away.

An article on Psychology Today also mentioned,

“People who score higher on avoidance tend to be less invested in their relationships and strive to remain psychologically and emotionally independent of their partners (Hazan & Shaver, 1994, as cited in Butzer & Campbell, 2008, p. 141).”

So if you’re being ghosted, just know that it’s not about you. This avoidant attachment style they have could be the reason.

• The Insecurities From Their End

Who doesn’t have insecurities, right? You might be too good for them, or they might feel insecure because he thinks he isn’t at your “level.” Whatever that is, insecure people tend to give up things easily rather than fight for it.

I’ve had a guy who disappeared after a couple of months talking non-stop. When I asked him two years later, he said he felt he wasn’t good enough for me and was very insecure with his financial situation to even take things further between us.

That’s upsetting to me because I didn’t think of any of that. But insecurity overall does play a role in why people ghost their potential partners.

How do you know if you’re being ghosted?

Here are some clear signs:

• He takes longer than usual to reply — and this is going on for days (if not weeks).
• He never calls or initiates any conversations anymore.
• Yet you see him being active on social media.

Many people think being ghosted means your potential partner is just disappeared out of nowhere.

But in most cases, it happens slowly. First, they start losing interest in talking to you, next they stop texting, then before you know it, you can’t reach them at all.

When you’re still madly in love with this person, it’s a lot harder to cut things off and let them go. That’s why I always recommend not investing too early, especially when you’re in the online dating pool.

You might have the best intention to be serious and love them with all your heart, but also remember that not everyone wants the same thing.

You should move on — there’s no other way around it.

When you realize you’re being ghosted, you probably want to keep chasing them and ask for an explanation.

You’re so upset, hurt, and confused at the same time. How could they do this to you, right? “I thought we had such a strong chemistry!”

But it happened. And there’s no better option than to move on.

Trust me, your life isn’t over, nor do you think you couldn’t find someone who “clicked” again in the future. Apply the “there are still many fish on the sea” perspective to go through this phase.

And most importantly, try to remember that all this ghosting they did has nothing to do with you. Just because you aren’t their cup of tea doesn’t mean someone else can’t make the relationship work with you.

It’s their loss that they give up on you and the potential that you both have.

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Previously Published on medium

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