It’s Not a Red Flag — You’re Just Sabotaging Your Relationship

Nothing is more annoying than finding out that the problem is you, not them.

I know — a hard pill to swallow.

You think you always have options. Losing a relationship is a no big deal. But then you realized you ditched someone who’s actually good for you.

Sabotaging a relationship has become easier in this current modern dating world.

Some people claimed they were in a toxic relationship while in reality, they don’t even truly understand the word “toxic”.

Just because you’ve seen it on TikTok videos, that doesn’t mean it’s true. This is you, sabotaging your relationship.

And no, it’s not a red flag.

Jealousy, jealousy, jealousy

I find it tricky to talk about jealousy.

It’s because some people have this false belief that jealousy = love.

The more jealousy you show, the better partner you’re. Umm no.

Now the hardest part is to break free from such a mindset. Because I can tell you right now that showing too much jealousy doesn’t necessarily you love your partner more.

In fact, your partner will get annoyed and see it as a warning sign that you aren’t a mature adult who can handle your emotion.

In the first year of my current relationship, I got jealous a lot. There were many stupid moments that I’m still not proud of to this day.

A hot girl passed us by on a trail? I was jealous.

A female friend acting friendly to my partner? I was jealous.

A girl said hi in our hiking trip? I was jealous.

My chronic jealousy would ruin the trip and the time I spent together with my partner — which also could lead to more unnecessary fights for the next few days.

It was awful.

It was like I didn’t have control over my emotions. I remember one day my partner sat me down and said that he was no longer sure that he could handle it.

It got to the point where it was too much and I agreed.

It was too much to always fight about the same (and stupid) things.

I realized it was me sabotaging my relationship. And if I wouldn’t do anything about it, I’d lose my partner at any time.

So maybe it’s too soon to conclude your partner is gonna cheat on you just because he was looking at another girl the other day.

Maybe it’s your jealousy and deep insecurities that you need to conquer first. It’s easy to jump into the worst conclusion but we all know it’s the fastest way to destroy what you have.

Is it your relationship or theirs?

The biggest mistake many people make is to let others dictate their love life — even as early as in the dating stage.

I get it that a romantic relationship can be very much complicated and oftentimes, it’s stressful.

Trying to communicate your needs can be stressful.

Asking someone to understand your perspective on something can be stressful.

Caring for the other person when you truly don’t want to can be stressful.

But that’s the point.

We all learn and grow to be better partners for each other. No one has the “best” recipes on how to do relationships that you can copy right away.

That’s why it’s dangerous when you ask around for relationship advice and not take their answer with a grain of salt.

This same goes for consuming too much on social media and thinking what you’ve been doing in your relationship is wrong.

Let me give you an example.

A girl I knew decided to break up with her boyfriend because he was not romantic enough (according to the social media standard she saw).

She called it a “red flag” just because he didn’t buy her flowers like, every week.

She refused to neglect the fact that he was a very caring person. He might not show his love through flowers but the man has his own love language.

So being more mindful of what you consume on the internet. Especially when you’re in the middle of making a big decision in your relationship.

It’s your first time dating someone who’s SO different (personality-wise)

I once dated someone who was very mature and emotionally stable. He didn’t cheat, lie or hurt me like other men I dated in the past.

It was peaceful but my toxic trait called it boring.

I broke up with him after only 3 months of dating. Looking back, there wasn’t anything wrong with the relationship — it was just me who got used to being in a toxic relationship.

I was surprised when I started opening up about this to my friends and my readers here.

Many people have sabotaged their relationships because they thought they should experience the same type of love.

But different doesn’t always mean a bad thing. Even if it’s hard to understand at first, some people are genuinely secure and emotionally stable.

And just because you came from a different background where you need to get hurt just to feel loved, that doesn’t mean that’s all you deserve.

It’s not a red flag when you don’t feel high in love all the time. It’s not a red flag when the communication part feels “too” healthy.

So before you look for the flaw and make it the reason to leave, why not give yourself the benefit of the doubt?

It might surprise you.

FOMO

A FOMO or Fear Of Missing Out can be real.

But here’s the thing: sometimes we forget how to appreciate the things that are in our lives.

Having a good and caring partner is one of them.

FOMO can make you feel like what you’re having isn’t enough. You might see your single friends going out and having fun at a club. Or you’ve seen cute people at the beach and wanted to say hi.

In a way, you miss your single life.

Not because your partner has been bad to you, but because you crave that freedom just by looking at other people’s lives.

So you start listing all the reasons why this current relationship that you’re in makes you feel stuck. You then go to your partner and point out what’s wrong.

Which eventually will lead to a breakup or at least, almost-a-breakup situation.

I feel like when it comes to FOMO, everyone has it at least once in a while. But being aware that it’s just a feeling that will pass can help you stay from making bad decisions.

You need to remember that each decision comes with consequences. Being single can be hard too sometimes. But which one you’re willing to put up with?

Many people will only realize that they’ve sabotaged their relationship after it ends. In reality, you can avoid a mistake like this by being aware of your emotions.

Don’t just react and make decisions right away the moment your emotion is high.

And instead of comparing yourself with other people on the internet, maybe it’s best to start counting your blessings.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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