Divorce Brings Out the Greed in People
If there’s one true thing about divorce, it’s that it reveals a person’s true colors. All those lies and half-truths come out in the end whether through free admission, or subpoena.
One of the most important things divorce reveals, or at least it has in my case, is a person’s true attitude toward money.
Generosity, or Apathy?
Charity
When we were married, my husband always erred on the side of generosity. If someone we knew needed help (and would actually accept it), we helped. Granted, I was usually the one to note the need and devise a plan to meet it, but he never turned it down.
When my uncle died and his widow was left waiting for his pension to kick in (I know, an actual pension, who knew those things still existed?), I wrote the check. When my brother and his wife were struggling as newlyweds, we were right there with our Costco card and an empty cart to fill-up. We made regular donations to the food bank and participated in Giving Tuesday.
I don’t say this to brag, it’s just something I always felt was the right thing to do given that we had more than we needed. If you see someone in need, and you can help them, you do.
I always gave my husband credit for being so generous, even though the idea to donate/contribute never came from him.
Personal
During our marriage, my husband rarely turned me down when I wanted to spend money on things we didn’t strictly need.
Vacations, books, clothes, beauty, and hobbies—if we could afford to indulge, he didn’t stint me.
I never spent money like a drunken sailor. When you grow up near and below the poverty line, you learn to pitch pennies, even when you don’t have to.
No, it was just apathy
During the last five months, (post abandonment by my husband) I have had a lot of time to reflect on finances during my marriage. I always gave my husband credit for his apparent generosity.
That was a mistake.
My husband wasn’t a generous man, just apathetic and lazy when it came to the needs/wants of others.
He never once suggested donating to charity, or people we knew who were in need. That was always my idea.
There were many birthdays and anniversaries where I had to buy my own gift because he “just couldn’t think of anything,” despite going shopping with me and having me point out things I liked to him.
Divorce reveals all
The Divorce Papers
The first indicator of his real attitude toward our money was in the divorce papers he served me with three days after Christmas. In them, he offered an amount of spousal support that my attorney said “was a joke” considering how much he makes. No judge would look at what he makes and what he was offering in spousal support and think it was fair. Apparently, after thirteen years of marriage, he thought that was all I deserved.
The Missing Money
As the first few months of the divorce dragged on, (thanks to his attorney who specializes in personal injury, and was trying to milk him for all he was worth…) money started to go missing from our joint checking account.
The first instance was his paychecks. They suddenly got much smaller. Now I know what my husband makes, so when less than half of the usual amount shows up in checking, I take notice. He was doling out the money (because we didn’t have temporary orders yet) that he thought I deserved, not based upon what I needed to maintain the house, our largest asset, but some figure he arrived at God only knows how.
The Bonus
And then there was the bonus he received from work. It was deposited into checking, and within hours, all of it had been transferred to his private account. This bonus was earned during the marriage; I was entitled to half, but my ex didn’t seem to think so.
He was wrong. And the judge at our temporary orders hearing ordered him to give me half.
And the Stock Options
As if this wasn’t enough, my husband also cashed out thousands worth of stock options a month before the hearing. My attorney and I didn’t even know about this. The judge noted it during our hearing.
Another large chunk of money earned during the marriage that was supposed to be used for our retirement was confiscated by my husband who clearly saw it as his money and not our money.
I Was Wrong About My Husband and Money
I always gave my husband too much credit. I incorrectly equated my husband’s financial ability to be generous with an actual desire to do so.
He never had a desire to be generous. Sure, he went along with my charitable inclinations, but probably only because he knew if he didn’t he’d look greedy.
In this respect, he was all about appearances when it came to how we used our money.
But when it came to supporting his wife of thirteen years who he decided to abandon during a snowstorm less than a week before Christmas? Forget about it.
Since he abandoned me and filed for divorce, my husband has shown me his real attitude toward money. All those years of pretending that the money he made while I took care of our home, was our money, was just that: pretending.
After attempting to pay a “joke” amount of alimony, hiding money, and taking marital assets, it’s clear. My husband never saw his salary as our money. To him, it was his money that he let me share. Divorce brings out the greed in people, and my story is no exception.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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