Just Because You’re Dying…

I’ve been having a few really bad days.

I was diagnosed with a metastatic brain cancer end of April. I had a lemon sized tumor surgically removed and am going to have some spot radiation done. I’ve also got masses in my lungs.

For the most part, things are fine. I’ve been overwhelmed by the love and support of the people in my life, I’ve been making decent progress with physical therapy and I’ve got a reasonable quality of life, all things considered.

That being said — this Memorial Day weekend has been brutal. I’ve had problems with mobility, problems with focus, with balance — I stood up and almost fainted yesterday. The world just would not stop spinning and I had to cling to the wall for a while.

Friends were going to stop in and see me before going out of town. I was really looking forward to the visit but had to cancel. I just did not have the energy. I needed to rest in my cave.

Which is OK.

I need to take care of myself, so I will. Thankfully I do have enough help that it’s manageable even when I’m weak. Between my mom, neighbors, friends and home health care, it’s all good.

When people ask me how I’m doing — I’m honest with them.

So people who have checked in with me the last couple of days — I have given them the truth.

But… I’ve tried not to bring them down.

Because, here’s the thing. I need to be honest with the people who are close to me. But I don’t need to make them feel bad.

They can empathize with me and offer support and sympathy without needing to agonize. After I share what I need to, I change the subject. I ask them how they are doing.

And this makes me feel better too.

The thing is, when you’re suffering, there are two possible paths.

You can marinate in your misery. And maybe you need to do that. But do you have the right to drag anyone else down with you? If you need to drown — well, you gotta do what you gotta do. But you don’t have the right to drown anyone else.

The other path you can follow — be honest, don’t sugar coat the truth. But don’t make it all about you either.

Because it’s nice to find out that other people are in a better place.

This weekend I’ve been hiding in my cave because I’ve been so physically weak. But people still call or text or email me to see how I’m doing. Sometimes I ignore them if I’m really exhausted. But sometimes I’ll respond.

And when I do, once I give them the update — I ask them how they are doing.

This weekend I found out about one friend’s daughter’s graduation and another friend’s exciting new job. One friend briefly told me about her vacation plans and another is really happy with her new boyfriend.

All of this makes me happy.

And it serves an important purpose. It reminds me that I am just part of the stream of life. I float on a river that is teeming with life, with joy, with experiences. Even if soon my time will end, there are beginnings. There are middles. There are still lots of things going on.

When I shift my focus to all the colorful fish and plants and currents that are floating around me — I am lost in wonder instead of pain. When I focus on others instead of just myself — I see a wider view. I am part of a larger world.

That gives me hope. It makes me optimistic.

When life isn’t all about me — it’s more meaningful.

When I take the time to care about my friends and to focus more on their lives than on my own problems — my mind and heart are engaged and I can add value to others.

And my friends have told me that I have helped them. It makes me feel good.

It puts me in a place of growth and learning, of curiosity and passion. I am not isolated even though I am hiding in my cave right now. A phone call, a text — these give me just enough engagement. I am not an island.

Or, rather — I am. But I have bridges that still connect me to the wider ocean out there. Instead of drowning in a painful dark trench, I float like a sea turtle among the darting fishes and streams of light and rising air pockets. It’s peaceful and lovely. I care for myself with serenity.

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This post was previously published on Wholistique.

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