I convene a regular group of men at my house to hang out and to talk about our feelings to do with being a bloke – including any anxieties. One that comes up quite often is a shared sense of doubt about whether we’ve achieved ‘manhood’ yet – which is pretty funny when you consider that the oldest member (i.e. me) is over seventy! But in a culture with no male rites of passage, a lot of us seem to be left with sense of unease as to whether we’ve made the grade man-wise.
Thinking about it, I realise that for me now, a ‘real man’ is the kind of man who is not ashamed to be in touch with and express his emotions, and is brave enough to live in a way that’s true to his deeper self; who doesn’t worry much whether he conforms to anyone else’s ideas of what a man ‘should’ be. He accepts and respects himself as he is and has let go of any insecurities about not being ‘man enough’, and has the confidence to support, love and nurture others, – embodying strength rather than power. I’m still working on achieving this ideal – and one of the best parts of spending tie with other men who are trying to be ‘real’ is the reassurance and encouragement we give each other.
In contrast, a stereotypically ‘Alpha’ man is supposed to be domineering; to have power over others; be narcissistic; emotionally illiterate; and ready to use violence as a means to get what he wants or solve conflict. His success is measured by how much he owns and how much fear he can instil in others. This is the kind of man who was represented as the pinnacle of masculinity in most of the films I watched as a kid (the Lone Ranger and James Bond come to mind). But I’ve learned from personal experience since then that It’s a recipe for a miserable, insecure, lonely, substance-abusing, meaningless life – that will statistically be likely to end in suicide.
Sadly, many men still seem to think they should act like ‘Alphas’ – and if they don’t fit into the mythical Alpha-Male-Box, over-compensate with displays of macho excess, sometimes abusing their partners or children, or other women who may have the bad luck to cross their path. Men with something to prove are dangerous – which is tragic because at heart they are probably decent guys; and if they could have the courage to be themselves and ignore anyone telling them how they should be, everyone would be a lot happier and safer.
In our culture, too many men and boys are still taught to feel ashamed of and disconnected from their feminine nurturing side, and like someone with only one leg they become unbalanced, and dangerous because they are likely to grab onto others as they fall over and take them down too! Thankfully, with the encouragement of sites like GMP, an increasing number of men are refusing to conform to those limited norms and expectations.
If we think of ‘manhood’ as a set of rules that we have to abide by in order to succeed at ‘being a man’, it’s easy to worry that we’re falling short in some way. But the best part of being a human is that we can make up our own rules for how we want to be – define our own version of ‘manhood’ and live to those values. I think this is the bravest and most interesting thing we can do as men; and I’ve come to believing that doing what I love, and causing no harm are the only rules I need to follow to be ‘real’.
It’s hard for us adults to change the way we were taught and have learned be as men, but boys are generally more open to new ideas and ways of thinking; and more ready and willing to learn and change in a positive direction. This is why I enjoy going into schools for the U.K. organisation “Beyond Equality”, and working with groups of boys to encourage them to become aware of and question any assumptions that they’ve got about what it means to be a man – or a woman
It’s often shocking to hear the distorted stereotypes about girls (“weak”) and boys (“strong”) that some boys have already acquired at this tender age. The good news is that it doesn’t take much encouragement and explanation from us for them to see how stupid and wrong these ideas about gender differences are – and to be ready to question and abandon them.
We also show the boys how extreme versions of gender stereotypes are often used in advertising as a way of creating insecurity in the majority of us who don’t fit those ideals (which are often computer generated, anyway), and make us fall for the implied promise that with their product (cosmetics for women, perhaps a new car for a man?) we can make up for that imagined shortfall and finally feel sure that we are ‘enough’. The boys quickly catch on to this manipulation once it’s pointed out to them, and often talk about their determination not to be fooled by it in future.
It all gives me real hope that we can raise a generation of men who feel comfortable in their own skin, and can to help create a safer and happier world by offering the same kind of acceptance and respect to everyone else who is trying to be real.
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